Hiatus?

I believe i know my self personally- since i am me.

No one else can be you- they might try, they might emulate, they might come close, but they cannot even replace. Even if you feel as worthless as you've never been, you're still irreplaceable- your (un)worthiness is one of a kind.

As far as i can remember, i think i've never used the word "hiatus" in my vocabulary (perhaps i forget), never even fathom to act like i need an escape from the daily musings of work and busy schedule. In truth, it's not that i need an escape from all that. Perhaps it's that i actually am not happy with my life to begin with so much so that i need an escape from it.

Why would i need a hiatus, a pause from life, a detour from the journey of life on my way forward, take a breather and stop to think? I think and believe that that is itself a warning saying that there is something actually wrong with the current direction i am heading in my own life. Am i really going the right way?

 It's been a long time since i have written a post on this blog. It used to be a hobby, used to be for merrymaking, a medium to channel my emotions, a therapeutic way for me to experience and make sense of my thought processes and perceptions. To take what i have in my head and put it to black and white, make it real, make it existential, as solid and concrete as the buttons on the keyboard i am tapping as of right now.

Sometimes i do visit this blog time and again, reading back all these inner monologues and seeing them through very different glasses than the glasses which i used to use during those times. Time sure changes or it doesn't, depending on your flexibility to adapt and mould and grow. Am i willing to grow or will i just hold on to very rigid views from now and forever?

And right now, i have just lost my train of thought, i was not so sure what i was going to write about, all i knew was that it has been a long time, and i am possibly very different than the me i used to be a few years ago. i have grown, or i may have not, but either way, i guess i am not the same anymore. I don't know what is left of me, what is supposed to be me, what is the very definition of me or is it ever changing and requires updated versions every year or so and revision editions. All i know,

at this moment, at this point in my life, this is me:

Consideration

I try to adjust myself, to become a better person, an individual who cares, even of the strangers, who just gives and gives without expecting compensation other than the love and the mercy of my creator. 

But perhaps i haven't tried enough, perhaps i easily succumb to my habits, bad habits, my nafs, my deepest urges that are unnatural or perhaps not coinciding with the characters of a believer.

Sometimes i do feel bad, but that feeling goes away, unless i tend to think it over and over and contemplate on the issue at hand. 

Take this picture for example, it hurts my heart, makes me sad, feel bad that i am granted a good life, with all my rantings and complaints, i forget that i am those who are gifted, who are considered lucky, i get to live a life in this temporary world, at least by this life definition, a life of comfort. I seldom view other peoples misfortunes or at least less fortunate than me, and empathize and sympathize and at least do something for them. 

I forget that what i am trying to be, right now in this career path, in this direction, in medicine, to devote a long life to the health of other people, requires me to do better, learn a lot, and become better. And thus i feel bad for always staying lazy, procrastinating, and not doing better. I lack the determination and perseverence to strive and achieve the best. I lack direction and motivation, as i have always been.

But people may ask, what does the girl in the picture have to do with me? Who am i to her, she is just some other person across the world in another continent, another country, another city, with no relation whatsoever with me. 

Hence i answer with a question, what do we all have in common in this world, are we to live forever, are we not connected by one way or another, do we not see the relations? 

Pray i get to be someone useful in the community, for the people, any people who i am able to help. Allahu muqalibal qullub thabbit qalbi ala deenik. 

Roda salah

Mengimbau kembali tahun yang lalu, semakin meningkat umur, semakin aku cuba menahan diri dari berbuat dan mengeluarkan kenyataan yang melampau. Malah semakin tua, semakin aku mula berasa takut untuk berbuat kesalahan dan terlihat bodoh di mata sekeliling, apatah lagi di dalam profesi seperti ini.

Aku sedar terdapat sesuatu yang tidak kena dalam profesi ini, sesuatu yang tidak selari dengan hakikatnya sendiri, di mana pada satu sisi dia kontradiksi dengan sisinya yang lain, tidak cocok. Pada satu sisi, kita harus menjadi seorang yang rendah diri dan tidak egotistikal (baca: asshole) sedangkan pada sisi yang lain, kita harus ada sikap professionalisme, sikap menjaga batas antara kita dan yang lain, sikap menjaga imej.

Aku pernah ditegur kerana tidak menjaga imej tersebut, untungnya aku ditegur dengan baik. Namun begitu, aku sering diingatkan oleh orang-orang yang bekerja disekelilingku supaya jangan sombong. Maka dimana titik batasnya? Di mana aku harus bermula dan di mana harus aku berhenti?

Hatta dengan itu aku sedar, hidup ini tidak semuanya hitam dan putih sahaja. Ada yang bersifat kelabu seperti samar dan tak jelas. Dalam kehidupan seharian, tergantung kepada akulah untuk menggunakan akal aku sebaiknya untuk menilai sebaiknya di mana batasnya.

Tetapi sebenarnya, bukan itu yang ingin aku ceritakan, ia hanyalah sebagai pembuka cerita (baca: appetizer).

Memang benar yang sering dikatakan orang, hidup seperti roda, kadang kita dapat merasa bagaimana indahnya berada di atas roda, dan kadang pada waktu lain kita dapat merasa perihnya berada dibawah. Kadang seperti putaran, kita berakhir di suatu titik dimana ia seakan sama sahaja dengan waktu lalu yang pernah kita lalui, persis sama, mungkin cuma beza pada beberapa faktor saja.

Dan kini, aku berasa seperti aku berputar kembali 360 derajat, setelah apa yang aku lalui, kini seolah-olah aku kembali di titik yang sama waktu aku di sekolah dahulu. Zaman dimana aku sudah berjanji pada diri aku sendiri untuk tidak ulangi, hanya untuk dikenangi. Meskipun suatu zaman yang paling aku rindui, kalau aku muhasabah juga, dipenuhi juga dengan keburukan dan kesalahan yang tidak mahu aku ulangi.

Dosa-dosa yang telah aku lakukan, belum cukup waktu aku tebusi, apatah lagi kalau aku tambah lagi dengan dosa-dosa sekarang pada waktu aku berumur ini. Zaman yang lalu yang dipenuhi dengan kebodohan aku, ketidakmatangan aku, sudah cuba aku lupakan dan jadikan sebagai iktibar, namun sekarang, aku mula merasa seperti aku kembali kepadanya lagi.

Aku berharap, ia hanyalah satu fasa, disebabkan oleh pemboleh ubah yang tergantung pada titik waktu dan posisi aku sekarang.

Sungguhpun aku tidak mahu ulangi dosa-dosa aku yang lalu, aku tetap rindukan masa lalu bersama teman, bersama keluarga, dan sepertinya aku dapat menjangka masa depanku. Dalam erti kata keadaannya seperti apa, apakah aku akan dapat bersama teman dan keluarga (kerana itu yang penting buat aku) ataupun sebaliknya. Dan apa yang aku jangka, adalah sesuatu yang pesismistik.

Aku harap aku salah.

This act is getting too old.

Again i find myself caught up in the same situation that i previously have vowed to avoid. Where i feel that it is not of my doing, or lack thereof, but of someone else, that this same situation happens recurrently, but as though i am to blamed.

And again, i am the one who feels remorse, for something that is not of my doing, or lack thereof, and i am the one going the extra mile, going out of my way to cure the adverse effects has arisen.

And again and again, the aftermath of it all, i end up feeling exhausted of my feelings interchangeably turning from depression, helplessness, anger, guilty, and tiredness.

Perhaps you do not realise that it is as if you are blaming me, but do you not see yourself?

Depression and suicide

It's not that just lately i've thought about it or that it has emerged in my head due to recent events, although perhaps that i have likely pondered on the notion dating a few years back, but maybe only recently save for some incidences or lack thereof, the thinking or the pondering is exacerbated to an extent i myself am unaware of.

I remember during my teenage years in high school where i have contemplated on the matter and discussed it with myself further and did some personal reading for educational and individual gain. Although there was no conclusion on me diagnosing myself, but at least i accumulated knowlegde albeit a little amount of it.

Now, as i grow older and as the experience expands and increase in both quality and quantity, i realize that i have come full circle in the sense that i am at the same point i was during those years where i felt like i should be clinically diagnosed.

Mind you, that for the first time in my life, all i have ever wanted to experience was the moment where i get to meet the expert on the matter personally. Oh how so many times i have pictured myself how it will it go, who will i meet, what would we have been disussing and so on and so forth. Until the real second that i obtained the opportunity to actually reliving that wish, it didin't go how i imagined it in my head. Truthfully, i didn't know how it was supposed to go nor wanted it to go the way i expected it to.

During that session, the matter came to mind by being brought up by the person.

Now when i do think about it, i am having difficulties in studies, social and personal activities. I see now that I have lost some interest in routine activites where i used to enjoy doing. In addition to losing motivation in my studies and pursuing to further my education and also i have lost enthusiasm in social situations and find myself enjoying the company of my own.

Suicidal thinking have been a consistent but not constant way of passing the time, but to be fair, i have been like that since 2008 and the proof can be seen by reading my past entries. I don't know if i enjoy that type of thinking, but i have grown a liking to it eventhough it does scare me sometimes.

The problem of the matter is, even if all this is true, being that i am in the state of depression clinically, what can i do? Do i really need the acknowledgment of other people save for the opinions of experts, but even if that can be clinically proven, it's just another way of me wanting some attention, which i believe that to be true about me especially when i do crave for the diagnosis of said disorder.

In the end, i think that all this is just an excuse, i am just looking for an excuse instead of admitting that i am not perfect and incapable of doing everything and that people have better lives than me.

FYI for the future

To commemorate yesterday, the days of all days in my life so far, on the 24th year of my life, happened the total lunar eclipse.

 http://www.space.com/27358-total-lunar-eclipse-blood-moon-complete-coverage.html

http://www.timeanddate.com/eclipse/lunar/2014-october-8

Seorang Akhi

The world revolves and orbits nonstop. It doesn't stop just because something happens to you. And yet, when something so profound, so devastating, so surprising that comes at you shocking, you expect that the world has to stop, even for a moment, because you need that moment to take it all in, take the experience, absorb it slowly, digest it emotionally, to have a better understanding at what is going on. 

But then the saying emerges, the world doesn't revolve around you. And life goes on. It passes by, at its own pace, so much so, that you are just barely keeping up, that you feel like you are always getting left behind to a point where you feel like you're at the end of the line hanging by a thread waiting for the ball to drop.

Which makes you realize nonetheless, life goes on, at its own pace, without noticing your existence, making you feel insignificant, adding to the list of long insignificancies(?) you are already aware of yourself. 

You end up speechless, unable to comprehend the meaning of the timeline, eventhough you believe that there is a silver lining to every incident, believing that the All-knowing, Almighty has His plans, you still end up flabbergasted in awe of it all. 

I was very lucky to have been able to meet him, to get to know him even for a brief moment compared to those more near and dear to him. Enclosed with this post, is a picture of a dessert that i did get to enjoy stuffing myself after watching how he made it so simply yet so deliciously. This was the last dessert- perhaps in the so forgetful mind that i have- that i have been able to have shared, during the last meeting of my very latest memory i have of him.

Eating it incited in myself to try to make one of my own but i have never been able to cook up the exact replica of his, which makes it ok for me, since that made it unique and one of a kind. 

May allah forgive him, May Allah grant him the best of Jannah to have undergone a great and hard test together with his family, may Allah ease his family and their trials. He has taught me so much, when actually i thought that i should have been teaching him. It goes to show that life is where you learn and never stop doing so, that you can learn many things from many people all around you. You just have to listen and learn.

Hadith narrated by Abu Hurayra that can be found in Sahih Muslim (#1631) and al-Tirmidhi (#1376) that The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, 

“When the son of Adam dies, all his deeds come to an end, except for three: ongoing charity, beneficial knowledge or a righteous son who will pray for him.”

May your deeds still multiply in the actions and akhlaq of those hearts you have touched so softly.

And also another picture is about the last time i was with him and other brothers during our last halaqah. After the disbandment of the halaqah-in other words me having to relocate and them being passed to another more reliable murabbi- i never really got the chance to see and talk to him properly.

Although i did get a chance to see him during his stays in the hospital and i was very relieved to have had the opportunity to at least visit him face to face during his hardship.

I pray for the best.

Emily's Death in the opposite house

There's been a death in the opposite house
As lately as today.
I know it by the numb look
Such houses have alway.

The neighbours rustle in and out,
The doctor drives away.
A window opens like a pod,
Abrupt, mechanically;

Somebody flings a mattress out, - 
The children hurry by;
They wonder if It died on that, - 
I used to when a boy.

The minister goes stiffly in
As if the house were his,
And he owned all the mourners now,
And little boys besides;

And then the milliner, and the man
Of the appalling trade,
To take the measure of the house.
There'll be that dark parade

Of tassels and of coaches soon;
It's easy as a sign, - 
The intuition of the news
In just a country town.

Emily Dickinson

Stop for a moment

We're too busy and we don't have time to stop and take a breather.

Stop.

Just stop.

Take a moment, bask in the ambience.

Susah memang susah

Beribu-ribu kali berjanji dan berazam untuk berubah, namun akhirnya kecundang lagi. Mungkin tidak cukip beribu, maka diperlukannya berjuta. 

Hati yang sarat dengan dosa apatah lagi tubuh dan anggotanya yang tidak jemu melakukan maksiat akan terasa pelik bila melakukan kebaikan. Setelah sekian lama terbiasa dengan tabiat-tabiat yang mudah dan memuaskan kesenangan, apabila berdepan dengan cabaran ingin melakukan perkara yang berlawanan dengan nafsu, sangat sukar dan sulit. 

Memang fitrah manusia sukakan kepada kebaikan, kebenaran, keindahan apatah lagi yang membawa kepada ketenangan dan kebahagiaan bilamana ia mendekati tuhannya. Namun pada jiwa yang sudah jauh dari tuhannua, sudah tidak mengenali siapa tuhannya, yang sudah tidak mengenali hakikat dirinya sendiri, akan memerlukan waktu dan memerlukan tenaga yang banyak untuk meningatkan dan membangkitkan dirinya dari kelenaan dunia dan kepuasan nafsu yang bermaharajalela. 

Memang penat bila kita melawan nafsu, memang payah dan memang perit. Bayangkan seorang yang sudah ketagih dadah, mungkin dia tahu keburukan dan kejelekannya, mungkin tidak. Namun dalam satu sudut dalam dirinya, dia pasti dapat merasakan bahawa dadah apa jenis yang dia pakai atau makan atau gunakan itu membawanya ke jalan yang tidak dia sukai sekiranya dia sedar pada penghujung jalan itu adalah sesuatu yang membawa parah. Walaubagaimanapun, akhirnya diri akan kecundang kepada nafsu, akhirnya seolah-olah tidak dapat untuk dirinya mengawal diri sendiri melawan keinginan, kehendak, kebiasaan dan ketertarikan yang membuak-buak di dalam jiwanya yang menghidupkan dirinya untuk meneruskan dengan dadahnya itu. 

Kerana melawan keinginan itu sangat penat. Menahan diri sangat penat. Yang mudah dan senang adalah mengikut dan menuruti, menunduk dan mematuhi, melaksanakan dan melakukan segala printah dan kehendak nafsu, sehinggakan terpedaya dengan kesenangan sementara yang diperolehi. Sehinggakan terlupakan kepada keburukan dan marabahaya yang menanti di penghunjung jalan ini, terlena dan lalai dibuai euphoria.

Lantas, bagaimana bisa untuk kita melawannya? Sedangkan apa yang kita hadapi, apa yang kita mendepani, adalah diri kita sendiri. Musuh kita ada darah daging yang cuba kita senangi dan bahagiakan, adalah jiwa yang membisik kepada kita ketika sendirian malah dalam keramaian. 

Lantas bagaimana aku ingin melawan cerminan aku? Bagaimana aku ingin mengubah diri aku, membentuk satu permata yang berkilau dan berainar di dalam kegelapan dunia yang tenggelam di dalam kekotoran, kenodaan dan kenistaan.