Wednesday, 19 March 2014

Having a guilt trip.

I can see in their eyes that they're blaming me for the things i did. I can see that they are not satisfied for what has happened, because of me. I can feel the fingers, mentally, non-existently real, pointing at me, and it is as if that nothing can change that, an irreversible err in my long list of errs.

It is my fault. God knows that i am living with the consequences, with the guilt, with the depression, the inconsistent irreplaceable nonexistant confidence that i have lost in myself. Heck i even have lost the trust that i have in myself, to the point where i don't believe i can do it anymore, where i always and am in an infinite constant doubt of my own capabilities as to the neverending being reminded of my mistakes.

God knows how i beat myself up for it, and sometimes i just feel like i don't need the added pressure of your condescending and "holier than thou" attitude, blaming me for my errors in the past. It is not helping anybody, whatsmore going to help the goals that we are trying to achieve and aspire.

I know it's my fault. What else do you want me to do or say? Or perhaps i haven't said it enough(out loud).

But i guess it is human nature to blame someone for something that actually in truth we cannot control. As it is human nature for me in self-defense to remark on your faults and disadvantages that makes you nonetheless equipped or having the right to judge me so.

In the end, all this politics is bringing us nowhere when we have so much to do.

It won't right the wrongs, heck it won't even make things better. What it will do is only create more conflict and strife between people. Which in the long run, won't get us anywhere on a local scale and even a global agenda.

For too long, have i reminisced on my mistakes. For too long have i kept myself in the fortress of solitude, perhaps condemning myself, perhaps as a way to punish myself or seeking for my own retribution nor salvation, whatever it may be, it needs to stop. Before i stop altogether.

And i believe i wouldn't want that, to stop altogether. When i think about that notion, i just go blank unable to picture myself without a sense of purpose, living nomadically searching for a reason that could make me stay, istiqomah.

I know that anything i do or will try to do, will never change the fact that i did those errors, i made mistakes. But to be living with them is just not that gratifying nor will it lead to better conditions. I need to make myself known to the fact that i need to move on, and perhaps they should too. I cannot control what i cannot control.

Verily the hearts of humans are in the grasp of Allah. He is the One capable of doing so.

O turner of the hearts, make my heart firm upon Your religion.