The tell-off.

Here is part one.

"Where have you been?! I was worried sick! You should have been here by six and look at the clock now. It's half past seven!" said mum, her face lit up with anger and her cheeks all pink. Perhaps it is her complexion that makes it easy to detect whether she's blushing or angry, and i always use this to my advantage.

"I'm sorry but i was stuck in traffic" i answered sarcastically.

"What traffic?! You walked home!"

I could see from her face that she was dead serious. Not that i wanted to provoke her any more than i should have but i was tired and in need of a good rest and a hot bath. With depressed enthusiasm i lied and said that i bumped into an old friend and chatted away until i lost track of time. I assured her that it was all involuntarily done.

"An old friend eh? Okay, just as long as you're alright, that's fine by me. Next time try not to forget your curfews. Oh and you're grounded. For two weeks" said she, sternly.

With a grunt i said "Whatever". I'm too antisocial to even be outdoors, the grounded thing will be a piece of cake for me. Quickly i untied my shoelaces and took my red worn out converse sneakers off. It was my first pair of shoes that i bought three years ago and has been my constant companions since. I would wear them everytime i went out for a stroll or just an outdoor activity. Regularly i just wear them without socks because they make my feet all sweaty and uncomfortable.


But perhaps by and bye, when on soft wet green grass, i prefer to be barefooted. It is such a wonderful feeling to feel the grass sliding between your toes, tickle the funny bone out of you. After taking the shoes off i threw them on the floor and got up and i was headed to the stairs until my mother stopped me and inquired whether i'd like to have my dinner heated up in the microwave. My stomach was already rumbling like a rock band, so i said yes.

Then i continued to walk quickly up the stairs and into the heartwarming sensation of the solitude of my room.

"Hmphhh" i sighed with great satisfaction after i jumped myself on my bed, staring into the glow in the dark stickers that had always given me the security i needed when i was a boy who was afraid of the dark. Now they're just regarded as decoration to amuse myself in times of boredom and sometimes when my head is flowing with limitless imagination. Mom always said to peel them off and just paint the whole room. But i resented it and asked for my freedom in decorating my own room.


Then i remember the previous encounter with the foreign lady and concerning about the unusual rock that aroused my attentions. I reached my left hand in my left jeans' pocket and took the rock out. Somehow the rock has a weird effect on me, making me feel drowsy and sleepy.


I can see stars glowing in the ceiling and moons lighting up the room. The universe seems so vast and huge, which in turn condescends me to feel insignificant. Makes me feel small and unimportant. But then i noticed that there is something moving in the sky, moving with great speed. I can see it, it is a large star, or perhaps a meteor, with a distinct green crystal-like glow, speeding through the galaxy leaving a trail of dust and small particles behind. I felt a shiver down my spine, watching the meteor pass above the skies of earth, nearly entering it's atmosphere. Is this a dream? How can i see such an occurrence? Then, out of the blue, after making a distance away from earth, the meteor, in all it's glowing glory, flashed brightly than before and poof, it just vanished. It was just how i witnessed it in the sky this evening, only from a different angle and persona. Everything seemed so dark and cold. Like lifeless. Quiet, an eternal bliss covered the space.

"Strawberry, strawberry. Wake up. Your dinner's getting cold."

The sound of someone familiar entered my ears. I opened my eyes and there she was, the lady with the strawberry lips and short curly blonde hair, lights bouncing off of them. I was shocked.

Taboo (the truth).

I have always thought myself as a sissy.

Wait. I am not finished.

I have always thought myself as a sissy(not that there is anything wrong with that) when i was young. Well actually i have never thought of myself as a sissy, pansy or anything along the line. It just stuck to my head like paper glued to anything. This was all due to my "friends" who always teased me saying that i am a sissy due to my soft/gentle/kindhearted demeanour.

I'm not bragging but that is who i am. Well that is who i was, i guess, since i'm not being myself lately. But still, the term stuck to my head. It's not that i wanted to but it was because of the continuous teasing and insulting and displeasing. Soon i became more feminine(not that there is anything wrong with that) than i was supposed to. Needless to say, i already knew i was special even before all this nonsense started.

So yes, due to all my "friends' " fun and joy, i have experienced psychological and perhaps anatomical changes. I also learnt what was the meaning of friends, real friends, at a very young age.

Even you, i'm sure, would agree with me, that what kind of "friends" would call their dear nice mate a sissy? I admit that nowadays i do play pranks and joke with my friends and frequently tease them but i believe i have never crossed any line. This was now, what about then? I think they have crossed some of my boundaries, and i'm surprised myself that i even had my own boundaries when i was a kid. Nevertheless, those individuals were not the so called "friends" we overrated in this new century.

But still. Since i was a kid i didn't have that many guy friends. I lived with my mother in a place where feminine were more than the masculine. My father and brothers were far away. I had no guidance on being the traditional macho boy. So i make do with what i have. I resorted to the Power Rangers. The by-product was me.

But that wasn't enough i suppose.

I wasn't macho enough to be a real boy.

I wasn't masculine enough to be called a male.

I endured those foul words. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me. Hahaha. I laugh at that expression. To me it is a lie. Because those words will hurt forever. Those words will haunt me forever no matter how hard i try to hide my feelings. It will stick to me like how paper is glued yada yada.

Even now, when i have left those friends and turned over a new leaf. Even now when i have became another version of myself, perhaps better (i hope). Those words still haunt me.

That is the reason everytime i hear the word "pondan", "maknyah" or anything on the same line, i flinch. My heart will sink like the titanic. My feelings, crushed like how the tragedy on 9/11 occured. But perhaps none of you have noticed. I try to hide my feelings so hard that i have created a wall that gaps me between you. The wall is called trust and the more you spend time with me the more will it disintegrate. But thats another story.

If given the opportunity to rewind and begin anew. I wouldn't change a thing. Because i believe i have become wise over these sixteen years and also that being a bit more gentle and kindhearted is rewarding(not to mention all the girls that is turned on by me). I have had my fair share of victories and loss and perhaps more will come. I will be prepared.

And that is why, my friends, i am myself today. That is also the reason why those words are taboo, to me.

My first kiss.

It all started when this shooting star came out of nowhere in the middle of the sky. Perhaps to you this is none out of the ordinary. Well let me tell you this, it was a shooting star flaring in the sky in broad daylight. It wasn't easy to detect but being a detail-oriented person like me, it's a piece of cake.

As i was watching the the heavenly body shooting away in mid day, other people were busy with their errands. People kept walking and passing by and some shoved my shoulders. But all of that didn't matter because i was watching one of the wonders of the universe. After a few minutes of flying in the sky, the star vanished and soon my attention of it.

Then, out of the blue. BOP! Something hard hit me on the head. The next thing i knew, i was waking up in the arms of a beautiful lady. Short curly blonde hair. The lights were bouncing off the hair, flickering on it. Lips the colour of strawberries and eyes as blue as the crystal clear ocean. Her face in front of mine. So beautiful. I see her lips moving, it seems she was saying something but i couldn't quite catch what. My head is still feeling dizzy as if i had a hangover.

So i got up to lose the nauseating feeling in my gut. I sensed my bottom was on her lap, i blushed right then and there. Immediately i squatted next to her. Finally, the bustling sounds of the traffic slowly enters my head without making it feel like it's been hit with a baseball bat. Then, i heard the most euphoric voice i have ever heard in my sixteen years of life. Twas the voice of the lady. "Are you alright?" she said. Has an angel dropped out of the heavens to help me? Realizing i hadn't answered her question and my head still feeling the dizziness from the hit, i replied with a soft "Hmmm".

My heart was beating ten times faster than usual. Perhaps it was due to her smooth gentle hand stroking my backside to relieve me of my pain. This was the first time i've felt the touch of the opposite gender, besides my mom of course. This has left me feeling uncontrollably nervous in addition to being in the presence of a beauty.

"That was a big hit. Are you sure you're alright?" her voice dancing in my ears.
"No, it's alright. I think i'm okay now".
"Well then, if you're wondering what hit you, this would probably be it".

She held out her pale skinny hand and put a big star shaped crystal-like rock in mine. The rock seemed weird to me. For some unknown reason, i was attracted to this alien object. I gazed at it as if i could see whats inside, forgetting that there was a lady next to me already on her feet brushing her clothes of debris.

"If you're alright i suggest you quickly head home. It's getting dark".

Her strawberry lips smiling as she uttered those last words and continued walking along the pavement. I glanced back at the rock she handed me. That feeling of uneasiness crept into my veins as i looked hard at the rock. It wasn't just like any ordinary rock. Seems to me that this rock is not of this world. Heck this street is made of tarmac, there should be no sticks and stones here. Still i wonder the nature of the object in my grasp.

Then it hit me. Not another rock, but something else in my head. I realized that i didn't get the chance to thank the lady. Quickly i stood up and looked around to detect her flickering hair. The long brown hair the lights bounced off, flickering. It was nowhere in sight. She was nowhere to be found. Being an immature sixteen year old boy that i am, i shouted.

"Thank you, Lady!".

Good thing there weren't a lot of people. Soon i realised that the street lamps were glowing. I glanced at my watch, the big hand pointing to seven and the little hand pointing at twelve. It was already 7:00 pm. I've got to get home or i'm done for! Holding the star shaped rock in my hand.

I want to be in the most ideal relationship. Where nothing wrong can happen, and if it did, we could get through it together.

That's why i have never been in a real relationship. It's called ideal because it never will happen. This world is full of people, imperfect. Ideal is the equivalent of perfect. Never flawed.

People who wishes for the ideal relationship is called a romantic idealist who always wishes but never romances. Perhaps because we prefer to linger in those fantasies than to be heartbroken.

Life is about facing challenges and humans be it men or women, they try as hard as they can to avoid obstacles that could end up in tears or perhaps worse, depression and suicide. But lets hope it does not come to that. Lets hope it never comes to that.

All i want is nothing out of the realm of possibilities. All i want is someone who keeps me on my toes. Keeps on surprising me as i do the same to her. Someone who understands the language my eyes without me even saying a syllable. Someone who can give me pleasure(ehem). Someone who supports me in whatever i do be it writing a novel or perhaps taking pictures of small crybabies and frail old has-beens. Someone who can read a book with me. Someone who can enjoy playing the sand on beaches and playing board games. Someone who would cook me meals as i provide other ingredients. Someone who would cook with me too.


Aaaaah. Needless to say, there are still more but maybe this is why i'm still single. Never plural.

If someone wishes to convert that into the plural form, please do so. But be prepared to be loved, be suffocated, be controlled.

Everyday i look myself in the mirror. It has become quite a habit for me. Sometimes i just look at my face for no obvious reason, but of course everything has its purpose. So does my lunacy.

I guess the reason i look myself in the reflection is to see how i look like. Duuuuh. For your information, that wasn't a joke. It sounded like one but it wasn't. I really want to know how i look like. Don't you have ever felt that feeling where "what does my face looks like in this kind of situation?" happens to you?

Besides, most of the time, i just practice how many insane facial expressions i can conjure up. But actually, always, i practice my smile. And that, i know why. It's because of the hypocrisy. My hypocritical oath. To show happiness where there is none. To create merry where it does not exist.

To whom this oath is made for, i do not know. All i know is, it is a lie. Smiling when you do not mean it is a very big lie. A smile can warm a thousand winters. But when it is not sincere, what happens? Does it reverse the process? If so, my bad.

But come on. It's not that much of a crime compared to all of yours. I smile because i'm too nice to say that you are definitely an Arsehole. So smile away to hasten the day.

Aku paling tak suke la kan, bila orang tuh panggil aku ni anti-melayu. Tunjuk kat aku sikit apa bukti ko panggil aku bukan anak malaysia.


1.Aku dengar lagu orang barat?
Alahai, itu je ke alasan kau yang boleh kau cari? Come on-la wei. Budak melayu lain pun dengar lagu orang putih la. Kau pun sama dengar. Jadi adakah itu bermakna kau itu bukan anak melayu? Tuhla, lain kali guna otak sikit.


2.Kau cakap aku anti-nasionalis sebab bila aku bertutur dalam bahasa barat loghat aku lain eh?
Siapa suruh kau tak belajar bahasa barat dengan betul. Takkan aku nak cakap dalam broken english kot. I want to break our connection, you play wood three. Tak ke bodoh.

3.Aku pakai baju yang bukanlah kemelayuan?
Aku pergi sekolah pakai songkok, pakai tali leher. Siapa yang kelihatan tidak bertamadun di sini? Aku ke ataupun kau yang tidak tuck in baju lepas tuh dah la tak ada tanda nama dengan lencana. Aku bangga pakai tanda nama, siap ada nama bapak aku la weih.

4.Aku sukakan perempuan putih?
Aku nak tanya kau satu perkara la kan. Ko tengok video lucah orang putih ke orang melayu. Mestilah putih kan. Tahu pun.

5.Fikiran aku berbahasa inggeris?
Bila aku sudah dewasa nanti aku nak kerja luar negara, jauh dari negara yang korupt dan berbentuk berat sebelah. Aku nak kerja di negara yang berbahasa inggeris jadi ini memerlukan aku fasih berbahasa ingeris. Kau pun sama kan nak kerja masyuk je. Orang kerja bergaji tinggi pandai bercakap dalam bahasa inggeris.

6.Kau cakap aku sokong penjajah?
Alamak. Alamaak. Bodoh ke kau ini? Sekarang nie sudah moden. Tiada bentuk penjajahan dah zaman sekarang ini. Biarlah aku nak berpihak kepada penjajah daripada engkau itu, sokong liverpool, man.u, arsenal, newcastle, apatah lagi pasukan bola sepak. Tak ke penjajah tuh? Kalau pasukan malaysia jangan kata nak pergi stadium sokong, tengok dalam astro pun tak nak. Tengok aku nie, aku tak suke bola sepak sebab bola sepak itu permainan orang barat yang menunjukkan kita tiada akal. Sepak bola merata-rata. Aku lagi suka batu seremban la wei. Walaupun selalunya perempuan main, tapi permainan melayu la. Adat-istiadat zaman dahulu.

7.Aku tengok filem orang putih?
lebih baik tengok cerita Catwoman yang entah apa-apa daripada tengok S-E-P-I. Tetapi pengecualian cerita P. Ramlee la, itu kau pun tak boleh lawan.

8.Aku blog bahasa inggeris?
Sebab aku blog bahasa inggeris kerana aku tak nak orang macam kau ini faham apa aku fikirkan.
Kau bukannya faham apa maksud superfragilisticexpialidocious kan?


Padan muka ko, pergilah google perkataan tuh. Google dah la orang barat. Internet pun orang barat. Teruskan usaha anda memanggil aku anti-melayu. daft arseswipe.