Taboo (the truth).

I have always thought myself as a sissy.

Wait. I am not finished.

I have always thought myself as a sissy(not that there is anything wrong with that) when i was young. Well actually i have never thought of myself as a sissy, pansy or anything along the line. It just stuck to my head like paper glued to anything. This was all due to my "friends" who always teased me saying that i am a sissy due to my soft/gentle/kindhearted demeanour.

I'm not bragging but that is who i am. Well that is who i was, i guess, since i'm not being myself lately. But still, the term stuck to my head. It's not that i wanted to but it was because of the continuous teasing and insulting and displeasing. Soon i became more feminine(not that there is anything wrong with that) than i was supposed to. Needless to say, i already knew i was special even before all this nonsense started.

So yes, due to all my "friends' " fun and joy, i have experienced psychological and perhaps anatomical changes. I also learnt what was the meaning of friends, real friends, at a very young age.

Even you, i'm sure, would agree with me, that what kind of "friends" would call their dear nice mate a sissy? I admit that nowadays i do play pranks and joke with my friends and frequently tease them but i believe i have never crossed any line. This was now, what about then? I think they have crossed some of my boundaries, and i'm surprised myself that i even had my own boundaries when i was a kid. Nevertheless, those individuals were not the so called "friends" we overrated in this new century.

But still. Since i was a kid i didn't have that many guy friends. I lived with my mother in a place where feminine were more than the masculine. My father and brothers were far away. I had no guidance on being the traditional macho boy. So i make do with what i have. I resorted to the Power Rangers. The by-product was me.

But that wasn't enough i suppose.

I wasn't macho enough to be a real boy.

I wasn't masculine enough to be called a male.

I endured those foul words. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me. Hahaha. I laugh at that expression. To me it is a lie. Because those words will hurt forever. Those words will haunt me forever no matter how hard i try to hide my feelings. It will stick to me like how paper is glued yada yada.

Even now, when i have left those friends and turned over a new leaf. Even now when i have became another version of myself, perhaps better (i hope). Those words still haunt me.

That is the reason everytime i hear the word "pondan", "maknyah" or anything on the same line, i flinch. My heart will sink like the titanic. My feelings, crushed like how the tragedy on 9/11 occured. But perhaps none of you have noticed. I try to hide my feelings so hard that i have created a wall that gaps me between you. The wall is called trust and the more you spend time with me the more will it disintegrate. But thats another story.

If given the opportunity to rewind and begin anew. I wouldn't change a thing. Because i believe i have become wise over these sixteen years and also that being a bit more gentle and kindhearted is rewarding(not to mention all the girls that is turned on by me). I have had my fair share of victories and loss and perhaps more will come. I will be prepared.

And that is why, my friends, i am myself today. That is also the reason why those words are taboo, to me.