I want to be in the most ideal relationship. Where nothing wrong can happen, and if it did, we could get through it together.

That's why i have never been in a real relationship. It's called ideal because it never will happen. This world is full of people, imperfect. Ideal is the equivalent of perfect. Never flawed.

People who wishes for the ideal relationship is called a romantic idealist who always wishes but never romances. Perhaps because we prefer to linger in those fantasies than to be heartbroken.

Life is about facing challenges and humans be it men or women, they try as hard as they can to avoid obstacles that could end up in tears or perhaps worse, depression and suicide. But lets hope it does not come to that. Lets hope it never comes to that.

All i want is nothing out of the realm of possibilities. All i want is someone who keeps me on my toes. Keeps on surprising me as i do the same to her. Someone who understands the language my eyes without me even saying a syllable. Someone who can give me pleasure(ehem). Someone who supports me in whatever i do be it writing a novel or perhaps taking pictures of small crybabies and frail old has-beens. Someone who can read a book with me. Someone who can enjoy playing the sand on beaches and playing board games. Someone who would cook me meals as i provide other ingredients. Someone who would cook with me too.


Aaaaah. Needless to say, there are still more but maybe this is why i'm still single. Never plural.

If someone wishes to convert that into the plural form, please do so. But be prepared to be loved, be suffocated, be controlled.

What is the title you give to your friend's parents?

Is it friends? Or perhaps mommy and daddy? Maybe uncles and aunts? What about mister and misses?

Well one thing is for sure, i and them, we have a bond. It is all because of our mutual ties, that is my friend and their son.

Today i just realised that i have to do this for my friend. I feel that i need to do this for him. For he will never have the opportunity to go through it. So it is up to me to go through it for him. Besides that, i feel that i am obligated to his parents. Since we know each other's parents well, it is my responsibility to them to make them happy on his behalf. And perhaps also in my behalf.

This feeling, this urge to make up for what is loss is very great. But the procrastination and the laziness and of course the depression has got hold on me far sooner than the realisation of going through this for him and his parents. Especially the depression, the urge is far greater than the feeling before.

This ends up in me going down the spiral of guilt. I think i have been in the spiral for many times and never passed it. But i believe that like Samwise Gamgee has once said, Start quote. "This darkness, it is only a passing, and a new day will come, with sun shining much more clear than before". End quote. At least that is what i think he said.

The only problem is, when will this darkness pass? When will it end? When will i get to see the clear shine? When will i get to fly away and flap my wings?

Do you know how hard it is for me to play the nice guy in front of people i don't like eventhough i know little by little i show a glimpse of my hatred to them. But still i show my kindness, smile when our faces meet. But deep down, oh how i want to scream i hate you. Like i said, i play the nice guy and this act is getting to me. It's seeping into my nervous system. I just can't help but think, would life be much more easier if i just air out all those emotions.

Do you know how hard it is to feel like you're not in control for your own life. Eventhough you actually know that you can be in control, you can be the leader of your life. Only that you don't have the courage, the drive, the determination to cease the opportunity that has been laying right in front of your nose this whole time. But the feeling of afraid, of probabilities, just lowers your confidence.

Do you know how hard it is to like someone who has already a someone special. To like someone who thinks you as a friend. To like someone who is already liking someone else. To like someone who belittles you. To like someone who just makes you feel the unbearable feeling of jealousy but most of all the emotion of missing. To like someone whom you miss but whom has never returned that feeling back.

Do you know how hard it is to endure all the criticism in this harsh world you call life. Do you know how ashamed it feels in order to hide the object of those criticism, you divert it to someone else's weakness. How embarrassed it is to feel to put the attention on someone else's insecurities.How guilty it is to lie, to blame and to ignore.

Do you know how hard it is to feel empathy to someone unlucky than oneself. How hard it is to cope with the fact that you cannot stop to sympathize everyone in this whole world but unable to do anything about it. But most of all, how tough it is to feel sorry for others but not sorry for oneself. To feel sorry for others whom never have felt sorry for ourself.

Do you know how hard life is? But do you know that humans are much more harder, much more flaccid. Much more tougher. Much much more.

Happy happy!

Happy 150th post Awanism!

Looks like you have posted loads of entries since you started this blog. And now you're stopping?

Yeah i am. Sorry friends and foes, I can't get pleasure out of expressing myself this way. No i just cannot.

How come you say that? Seems to me that you're having a very good time writing about all those stuff. Why stop now when you're getting famous?

Well, it seems to me that there is no pleasure in just complaining about my wretched life and doing nothing about it. Plus, my life is a wreck with all the bullshit around me.

Oh come on, whatever happens to "don't let the world win"?

Well looks like it is, don't it? Besides, the world has just won the battle, not the war. I will come back, with much more strength and morality and charisma and mentality. You'll see.

We will miss you. Eventhough you thought that no one will.

Thank you. It means so much to me that you lied. Thank you very much.

Part 1

There is so much i want to tell you but i don't know where to begin.

Lately, nowadays, oftenly now,

I get angrier and angrier by the minute. It's like i can't control my temper. I think i am losing my sanity for some reason. I would not be surprised if in the future you might find me in some mental institution being strapped and locked up in a comfy room, you know, like the room in the movies. Of course this is all in my head as usual. My friends have not yet seen the riled up side of me. I am still trying to keep it under caps, whatever the phrase is.

Sometimes the little things that makes me tick just flips me off. The little things that i noticed but no one do makes me unbearable. Even my grammar is getting wronger by words.


no in the mood. i'll continue later.

Sometimes,

I wish to be the guy who was always there when you need him. The guy who would not say protest his friends but support them to the end even if they're wrong.

Sometimes,

I wish that they would remember me much, like how i remember them all day. Like how i think of them constantly and yearns to be with them eternally.

Sometimes,

I wish that you knew everything about me like how i want to know everything about you. I want to get close to you more than anyone has ever before. And how i want you to get close to me like no one has ever before.

Sometimes,

I wish to be the quiet one. Has a very low profile whom no one recognizes. Whom someone wants to befriend.

Sometimes,

I wish i was a vampire.

Sometimes,

I wish that i have a lover who i can go to when i need her. Whom i can tell everything until there is nothing to tell. Whom i can share silences with by being in the presence of one another. Whom i can hold in this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death do i part.

Sometimes,

I wish i happy. The true happiness you see like when cats are stroked and they purr. Like dogs feel when they pee. Like monkeys when a banana is in their possession. Like a mouse finding cheese. Like a rabbit and a carrot. Like me and my shared feelings to another human being.

Sometimes,

I just want to faint or be overdosed. Just sometimes.


just sometimes.

THE ONLY REASON I AM SHORT IS BECAUSE I AM AFRAID OF HEIGHTS.


IF YOU ARE THAT STUPID, JUST KEEP ON ASKING ME WHY I AM SHORT AND MAYBE YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW SHORT I AM, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. daft bastard

I've got to get over myself damn it!

That part of my life is over. I have moved on now. Having said it is over doesn't mean it didn't happen.



On a lighter note, I am a vampire.

I remember.


I was the supporting character, although my role was not that important but it was important to me. I was the "official assistant to the Sultan". it was fun. it was at camp when i did that performance with my group during culture night. Everybody laughed including me. it was the first time i felt so excited with entertaining people. it was when i realized that i felt happy making people laugh and smile.



well now i'm just bent on making my life a misery.

I really hate school. ahaha they're making me hate the holidays. look what my plans are for this holiday. emmm school, study, work, homework and of course tuition. i hate the holidays. can i just slit my wrist, at least that'll be more fun.

I am a self absorbed, self-centered, narcissistic, egotistical person. thank you very much.

anyone know any cure for depression cause i'm in a rut. a very big gigantic magnanimous rut. i have lots of agendas here. i need a heart a brain and some courage. maybe i just need one of them ruby slippers. and i'll be on my way following the yellow brick road. i'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of oz.

I'm most happy when i am miserable. misery loves company like the song. but i guess i love misery as company. what's fun in life if there's no challenges, no boundaries to cross, no rules to break, no time of sadness. it's no fun on being happy all the time. laughing and smiling. that's no fun anymore.


oh god, i'm on my way to being an EMO? ewwwww. shoot shoot bang bang.

Lately i have been having these weird dreams that i cannot understand their true meaning. I believe there's something wrong and i'm getting to the bottom of this.

i've got the world on a string.

The sad part about me, i get pissed off for no fcuking reason or for just one small teeny weeny mistake. and for that people around me has to pay. i'm sorry guys but this is how i punish myself. perhaps it would seem that i am punishing you but it's not, i'm trying to make my life miserable but it sure is very stubborn.

oh god i think i am going to flunk every paper i take. uuurgh

Well so far today is good. I didn't go to school today cause i don't have the mood. I didn't ate anything yet in the morning so i ordered pizza for breakfast. it was gooooood. :D it be the first time i ordered take out for breakfast on a "skipping school day". i feel goooooood. and tomorrow begins the pain. the annual mid year exams. AAAAAAAA!

I'm not fun anymore. before this i promised myself not to change but it did and i did. i change to become a very dull person and very aggressive one too. i will constantly mock people about their nature, and laugh at people. i can't help it, you people are funny and i'm just a dumb sixteen year old boy who looks like a fat bastard and talks like there's no off switch. and here i am writing a blog about myself. how pathetic can i get?

i talk jibberish, outlandish, foreign, alien language.

I'm trying not to be a hypocrite. woooptidooo