Sunday, 31 August 2008

For once in my life.

After watching this, i had a revelation.

I realised that, what i'm doing right here, all the poems i've written, all the stories i've imagined, i realised that it wasn't only for me.

No it was not.

All the things i've written and done, this was all for someone who doesn't exist about somethoing that never happened in a place that is not real.

It's all in my head and in my heart.

I'm still wishing for that someone to come to life and meet me. That special someone with that special stardust in her hands.

Wednesday, 27 August 2008

Monday, 25 August 2008

Taboo (the truth).

I have always thought myself as a sissy.

Wait. I am not finished.

I have always thought myself as a sissy(not that there is anything wrong with that) when i was young. Well actually i have never thought of myself as a sissy, pansy or anything along the line. It just stuck to my head like paper glued to anything. This was all due to my "friends" who always teased me saying that i am a sissy due to my soft/gentle/kindhearted demeanour.

I'm not bragging but that is who i am. Well that is who i was, i guess, since i'm not being myself lately. But still, the term stuck to my head. It's not that i wanted to but it was because of the continuous teasing and insulting and displeasing. Soon i became more feminine(not that there is anything wrong with that) than i was supposed to. Needless to say, i already knew i was special even before all this nonsense started.

So yes, due to all my "friends' " fun and joy, i have experienced psychological and perhaps anatomical changes. I also learnt what was the meaning of friends, real friends, at a very young age.

Even you, i'm sure, would agree with me, that what kind of "friends" would call their dear nice mate a sissy? I admit that nowadays i do play pranks and joke with my friends and frequently tease them but i believe i have never crossed any line. This was now, what about then? I think they have crossed some of my boundaries, and i'm surprised myself that i even had my own boundaries when i was a kid. Nevertheless, those individuals were not the so called "friends" we overrated in this new century.

But still. Since i was a kid i didn't have that many guy friends. I lived with my mother in a place where feminine were more than the masculine. My father and brothers were far away. I had no guidance on being the traditional macho boy. So i make do with what i have. I resorted to the Power Rangers. The by-product was me.

But that wasn't enough i suppose.

I wasn't macho enough to be a real boy.

I wasn't masculine enough to be called a male.

I endured those foul words. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me. Hahaha. I laugh at that expression. To me it is a lie. Because those words will hurt forever. Those words will haunt me forever no matter how hard i try to hide my feelings. It will stick to me like how paper is glued yada yada.

Even now, when i have left those friends and turned over a new leaf. Even now when i have became another version of myself, perhaps better (i hope). Those words still haunt me.

That is the reason everytime i hear the word "pondan", "maknyah" or anything on the same line, i flinch. My heart will sink like the titanic. My feelings, crushed like how the tragedy on 9/11 occured. But perhaps none of you have noticed. I try to hide my feelings so hard that i have created a wall that gaps me between you. The wall is called trust and the more you spend time with me the more will it disintegrate. But thats another story.

If given the opportunity to rewind and begin anew. I wouldn't change a thing. Because i believe i have become wise over these sixteen years and also that being a bit more gentle and kindhearted is rewarding(not to mention all the girls that is turned on by me). I have had my fair share of victories and loss and perhaps more will come. I will be prepared.

And that is why, my friends, i am myself today. That is also the reason why those words are taboo, to me.

Friday, 22 August 2008

My first kiss.

It all started when this shooting star came out of nowhere in the middle of the sky. Perhaps to you this is none out of the ordinary. Well let me tell you this, it was a shooting star flaring in the sky in broad daylight. It wasn't easy to detect but being a detail-oriented person like me, it's a piece of cake.

As i was watching the the heavenly body shooting away in mid day, other people were busy with their errands. People kept walking and passing by and some shoved my shoulders. But all of that didn't matter because i was watching one of the wonders of the universe. After a few minutes of flying in the sky, the star vanished and soon my attention of it.

Then, out of the blue. BOP! Something hard hit me on the head. The next thing i knew, i was waking up in the arms of a beautiful lady. Short curly blonde hair. The lights were bouncing off the hair, flickering on it. Lips the colour of strawberries and eyes as blue as the crystal clear ocean. Her face in front of mine. So beautiful. I see her lips moving, it seems she was saying something but i couldn't quite catch what. My head is still feeling dizzy as if i had a hangover.

So i got up to lose the nauseating feeling in my gut. I sensed my bottom was on her lap, i blushed right then and there. Immediately i squatted next to her. Finally, the bustling sounds of the traffic slowly enters my head without making it feel like it's been hit with a baseball bat. Then, i heard the most euphoric voice i have ever heard in my sixteen years of life. Twas the voice of the lady. "Are you alright?" she said. Has an angel dropped out of the heavens to help me? Realizing i hadn't answered her question and my head still feeling the dizziness from the hit, i replied with a soft "Hmmm".

My heart was beating ten times faster than usual. Perhaps it was due to her smooth gentle hand stroking my backside to relieve me of my pain. This was the first time i've felt the touch of the opposite gender, besides my mom of course. This has left me feeling uncontrollably nervous in addition to being in the presence of a beauty.

"That was a big hit. Are you sure you're alright?" her voice dancing in my ears.
"No, it's alright. I think i'm okay now".
"Well then, if you're wondering what hit you, this would probably be it".

She held out her pale skinny hand and put a big star shaped crystal-like rock in mine. The rock seemed weird to me. For some unknown reason, i was attracted to this alien object. I gazed at it as if i could see whats inside, forgetting that there was a lady next to me already on her feet brushing her clothes of debris.

"If you're alright i suggest you quickly head home. It's getting dark".

Her strawberry lips smiling as she uttered those last words and continued walking along the pavement. I glanced back at the rock she handed me. That feeling of uneasiness crept into my veins as i looked hard at the rock. It wasn't just like any ordinary rock. Seems to me that this rock is not of this world. Heck this street is made of tarmac, there should be no sticks and stones here. Still i wonder the nature of the object in my grasp.

Then it hit me. Not another rock, but something else in my head. I realized that i didn't get the chance to thank the lady. Quickly i stood up and looked around to detect her flickering hair. The long brown hair the lights bounced off, flickering. It was nowhere in sight. She was nowhere to be found. Being an immature sixteen year old boy that i am, i shouted.

"Thank you, Lady!".

Good thing there weren't a lot of people. Soon i realised that the street lamps were glowing. I glanced at my watch, the big hand pointing to seven and the little hand pointing at twelve. It was already 7:00 pm. I've got to get home or i'm done for! Holding the star shaped rock in my hand.

Monday, 18 August 2008

I want to be in the most ideal relationship. Where nothing wrong can happen, and if it did, we could get through it together.

That's why i have never been in a real relationship. It's called ideal because it never will happen. This world is full of people, imperfect. Ideal is the equivalent of perfect. Never flawed.

People who wishes for the ideal relationship is called a romantic idealist who always wishes but never romances. Perhaps because we prefer to linger in those fantasies than to be heartbroken.

Life is about facing challenges and humans be it men or women, they try as hard as they can to avoid obstacles that could end up in tears or perhaps worse, depression and suicide. But lets hope it does not come to that. Lets hope it never comes to that.

All i want is nothing out of the realm of possibilities. All i want is someone who keeps me on my toes. Keeps on surprising me as i do the same to her. Someone who understands the language my eyes without me even saying a syllable. Someone who can give me pleasure(ehem). Someone who supports me in whatever i do be it writing a novel or perhaps taking pictures of small crybabies and frail old has-beens. Someone who can read a book with me. Someone who can enjoy playing the sand on beaches and playing board games. Someone who would cook me meals as i provide other ingredients. Someone who would cook with me too.

Aaaaah. Needless to say, there are still more but maybe this is why i'm still single. Never plural.

If someone wishes to convert that into the plural form, please do so. But be prepared to be loved, be suffocated, be controlled.
Wow, how long has it been?

Three days? Four? Five?

This just goes to show that how i really depend on my computer and the internet.

You see, i am not like anyone else. Not like other boys and not like other typical teenagers. I don't watch the television. I don't like to read the newspapers and i sure as hell do not like to be made into robots. I have my own brain that helps me think for myself.

The motive for this new post is to say that i miss you bloggie. And if one day or perhaps more than that i do not return, please be patient for i have problems that need to be dealt with.

Tuesday, 12 August 2008

What is the title you give to your friend's parents?

Is it friends? Or perhaps mommy and daddy? Maybe uncles and aunts? What about mister and misses?

Well one thing is for sure, i and them, we have a bond. It is all because of our mutual ties, that is my friend and their son.

Today i just realised that i have to do this for my friend. I feel that i need to do this for him. For he will never have the opportunity to go through it. So it is up to me to go through it for him. Besides that, i feel that i am obligated to his parents. Since we know each other's parents well, it is my responsibility to them to make them happy on his behalf. And perhaps also in my behalf.

This feeling, this urge to make up for what is loss is very great. But the procrastination and the laziness and of course the depression has got hold on me far sooner than the realisation of going through this for him and his parents. Especially the depression, the urge is far greater than the feeling before.

This ends up in me going down the spiral of guilt. I think i have been in the spiral for many times and never passed it. But i believe that like Samwise Gamgee has once said, Start quote. "This darkness, it is only a passing, and a new day will come, with sun shining much more clear than before". End quote. At least that is what i think he said.

The only problem is, when will this darkness pass? When will it end? When will i get to see the clear shine? When will i get to fly away and flap my wings?

Saturday, 9 August 2008

Belated welcome back party.

Sorry that before this i just jumped into rantings and all. I reckoned that i needn't a welcome back party but since everything that is going around me, i guess i need the fun.

So this is just an appreciation to my friends for being my friends. Besides that i just want to tell the whole world that everyday i open their blogs everytime i go online and other people should too.

Hazriq - he's like the first junior i befriended in this new school of mine. i've never been that to keen to be friends with people younger and older than my age, it's not that i discriminate towards them, it's just that i feel they are not capable of understanding the dilemmas i am going through. Nonetheless, i like him and his blog.

Amirul - i met him when i was in form two, if i am not mistaken. But we just connected. i used to talk to him everyday when we were in our hostel. but since we have parted our ways, we grew apart, but still now that we have contacted each other, it just makes me so happy. i love reading his blog because the way he talks about his life makes me want to laugh. not that his life is all terrible, just the things he and his friend does. go amirul!

Zaahira - well well well, miss you know you love my blog. miss hi i'm barbie. it was always fun to talk to her. i'm just sorry that lately we haven't talked much because of our busy schedule or perhaps because of my procrastination. anyways sorry for not talking to you in a long time. but still i read your blog and open it everyday eventhough you haven't like, updated it yet. cheers to you.

Nadira - we used to be classmates in our first year of sekolah menengah. and then after that never again. it was fun being her classmate. i used to love teasing her and being her personal "pengacau". she used to like linkin park but now i don't know if she still does. anyways, i still read her blog too, it's fun reading her bm. not that i am teasing your bm or anything, tetapi ayat kamu itu macam skemaa.

Don juan - this guy here is a total dumbfounded flabbergasted asshole. but i still read his blog. enough said.

Farim - ahaha i just can't stop feeling dizzy with this girl. she keeps flipping her blogs changing from one to the other. make up your mind already. but , as stated, i read her blog to. funny and witty. pendekszzszss

anyways, i am just so boring so tag you're it. the rule is keep on updating your blogs so that i can keep on killing this feeling of boredom. that's just it. muahahaha

Tuesday, 5 August 2008

If i were to be a musician in my current state, i think, of all the possible chances , i would be in the acoustic genre or perhaps techno/new wave.

It's not something that i have thought of thoroughly, it is just a feeling i have in me. I can sense it. But of course that is if i were to be a musician. And that is a very big IF.

Do you know how hard it is for me to play the nice guy in front of people i don't like eventhough i know little by little i show a glimpse of my hatred to them. But still i show my kindness, smile when our faces meet. But deep down, oh how i want to scream i hate you. Like i said, i play the nice guy and this act is getting to me. It's seeping into my nervous system. I just can't help but think, would life be much more easier if i just air out all those emotions.

Do you know how hard it is to feel like you're not in control for your own life. Eventhough you actually know that you can be in control, you can be the leader of your life. Only that you don't have the courage, the drive, the determination to cease the opportunity that has been laying right in front of your nose this whole time. But the feeling of afraid, of probabilities, just lowers your confidence.

Do you know how hard it is to like someone who has already a someone special. To like someone who thinks you as a friend. To like someone who is already liking someone else. To like someone who belittles you. To like someone who just makes you feel the unbearable feeling of jealousy but most of all the emotion of missing. To like someone whom you miss but whom has never returned that feeling back.

Do you know how hard it is to endure all the criticism in this harsh world you call life. Do you know how ashamed it feels in order to hide the object of those criticism, you divert it to someone else's weakness. How embarrassed it is to feel to put the attention on someone else's insecurities.How guilty it is to lie, to blame and to ignore.

Do you know how hard it is to feel empathy to someone unlucky than oneself. How hard it is to cope with the fact that you cannot stop to sympathize everyone in this whole world but unable to do anything about it. But most of all, how tough it is to feel sorry for others but not sorry for oneself. To feel sorry for others whom never have felt sorry for ourself.

Do you know how hard life is? But do you know that humans are much more harder, much more flaccid. Much more tougher. Much much more.
Everyday i look myself in the mirror. It has become quite a habit for me. Sometimes i just look at my face for no obvious reason, but of course everything has its purpose. So does my lunacy.

I guess the reason i look myself in the reflection is to see how i look like. Duuuuh. For your information, that wasn't a joke. It sounded like one but it wasn't. I really want to know how i look like. Don't you have ever felt that feeling where "what does my face looks like in this kind of situation?" happens to you?

Besides, most of the time, i just practice how many insane facial expressions i can conjure up. But actually, always, i practice my smile. And that, i know why. It's because of the hypocrisy. My hypocritical oath. To show happiness where there is none. To create merry where it does not exist.

To whom this oath is made for, i do not know. All i know is, it is a lie. Smiling when you do not mean it is a very big lie. A smile can warm a thousand winters. But when it is not sincere, what happens? Does it reverse the process? If so, my bad.

But come on. It's not that much of a crime compared to all of yours. I smile because i'm too nice to say that you are definitely an Arsehole. So smile away to hasten the day.