Sunday, 18 September 2016
No one else can be you- they might try, they might emulate, they might come close, but they cannot even replace. Even if you feel as worthless as you've never been, you're still irreplaceable- your (un)worthiness is one of a kind.
As far as i can remember, i think i've never used the word "hiatus" in my vocabulary (perhaps i forget), never even fathom to act like i need an escape from the daily musings of work and busy schedule. In truth, it's not that i need an escape from all that. Perhaps it's that i actually am not happy with my life to begin with so much so that i need an escape from it.
Why would i need a hiatus, a pause from life, a detour from the journey of life on my way forward, take a breather and stop to think? I think and believe that that is itself a warning saying that there is something actually wrong with the current direction i am heading in my own life. Am i really going the right way?
It's been a long time since i have written a post on this blog. It used to be a hobby, used to be for merrymaking, a medium to channel my emotions, a therapeutic way for me to experience and make sense of my thought processes and perceptions. To take what i have in my head and put it to black and white, make it real, make it existential, as solid and concrete as the buttons on the keyboard i am tapping as of right now.
Sometimes i do visit this blog time and again, reading back all these inner monologues and seeing them through very different glasses than the glasses which i used to use during those times. Time sure changes or it doesn't, depending on your flexibility to adapt and mould and grow. Am i willing to grow or will i just hold on to very rigid views from now and forever?
And right now, i have just lost my train of thought, i was not so sure what i was going to write about, all i knew was that it has been a long time, and i am possibly very different than the me i used to be a few years ago. i have grown, or i may have not, but either way, i guess i am not the same anymore. I don't know what is left of me, what is supposed to be me, what is the very definition of me or is it ever changing and requires updated versions every year or so and revision editions. All i know,
at this moment, at this point in my life, this is me:
Thursday, 21 January 2016
Aku sedar terdapat sesuatu yang tidak kena dalam profesi ini, sesuatu yang tidak selari dengan hakikatnya sendiri, di mana pada satu sisi dia kontradiksi dengan sisinya yang lain, tidak cocok. Pada satu sisi, kita harus menjadi seorang yang rendah diri dan tidak egotistikal (baca: asshole) sedangkan pada sisi yang lain, kita harus ada sikap professionalisme, sikap menjaga batas antara kita dan yang lain, sikap menjaga imej.
Aku pernah ditegur kerana tidak menjaga imej tersebut, untungnya aku ditegur dengan baik. Namun begitu, aku sering diingatkan oleh orang-orang yang bekerja disekelilingku supaya jangan sombong. Maka dimana titik batasnya? Di mana aku harus bermula dan di mana harus aku berhenti?
Hatta dengan itu aku sedar, hidup ini tidak semuanya hitam dan putih sahaja. Ada yang bersifat kelabu seperti samar dan tak jelas. Dalam kehidupan seharian, tergantung kepada akulah untuk menggunakan akal aku sebaiknya untuk menilai sebaiknya di mana batasnya.
Tetapi sebenarnya, bukan itu yang ingin aku ceritakan, ia hanyalah sebagai pembuka cerita (baca: appetizer).
Memang benar yang sering dikatakan orang, hidup seperti roda, kadang kita dapat merasa bagaimana indahnya berada di atas roda, dan kadang pada waktu lain kita dapat merasa perihnya berada dibawah. Kadang seperti putaran, kita berakhir di suatu titik dimana ia seakan sama sahaja dengan waktu lalu yang pernah kita lalui, persis sama, mungkin cuma beza pada beberapa faktor saja.
Dan kini, aku berasa seperti aku berputar kembali 360 derajat, setelah apa yang aku lalui, kini seolah-olah aku kembali di titik yang sama waktu aku di sekolah dahulu. Zaman dimana aku sudah berjanji pada diri aku sendiri untuk tidak ulangi, hanya untuk dikenangi. Meskipun suatu zaman yang paling aku rindui, kalau aku muhasabah juga, dipenuhi juga dengan keburukan dan kesalahan yang tidak mahu aku ulangi.
Dosa-dosa yang telah aku lakukan, belum cukup waktu aku tebusi, apatah lagi kalau aku tambah lagi dengan dosa-dosa sekarang pada waktu aku berumur ini. Zaman yang lalu yang dipenuhi dengan kebodohan aku, ketidakmatangan aku, sudah cuba aku lupakan dan jadikan sebagai iktibar, namun sekarang, aku mula merasa seperti aku kembali kepadanya lagi.
Aku berharap, ia hanyalah satu fasa, disebabkan oleh pemboleh ubah yang tergantung pada titik waktu dan posisi aku sekarang.
Sungguhpun aku tidak mahu ulangi dosa-dosa aku yang lalu, aku tetap rindukan masa lalu bersama teman, bersama keluarga, dan sepertinya aku dapat menjangka masa depanku. Dalam erti kata keadaannya seperti apa, apakah aku akan dapat bersama teman dan keluarga (kerana itu yang penting buat aku) ataupun sebaliknya. Dan apa yang aku jangka, adalah sesuatu yang pesismistik.
Aku harap aku salah.
Thursday, 26 February 2015
And again, i am the one who feels remorse, for something that is not of my doing, or lack thereof, and i am the one going the extra mile, going out of my way to cure the adverse effects has arisen.
And again and again, the aftermath of it all, i end up feeling exhausted of my feelings interchangeably turning from depression, helplessness, anger, guilty, and tiredness.
Perhaps you do not realise that it is as if you are blaming me, but do you not see yourself?
Tuesday, 18 November 2014
It's not that just lately i've thought about it or that it has emerged in my head due to recent events, although perhaps that i have likely pondered on the notion dating a few years back, but maybe only recently save for some incidences or lack thereof, the thinking or the pondering is exacerbated to an extent i myself am unaware of.
I remember during my teenage years in high school where i have contemplated on the matter and discussed it with myself further and did some personal reading for educational and individual gain. Although there was no conclusion on me diagnosing myself, but at least i accumulated knowlegde albeit a little amount of it.
Now, as i grow older and as the experience expands and increase in both quality and quantity, i realize that i have come full circle in the sense that i am at the same point i was during those years where i felt like i should be clinically diagnosed.
Mind you, that for the first time in my life, all i have ever wanted to experience was the moment where i get to meet the expert on the matter personally. Oh how so many times i have pictured myself how it will it go, who will i meet, what would we have been disussing and so on and so forth. Until the real second that i obtained the opportunity to actually reliving that wish, it didin't go how i imagined it in my head. Truthfully, i didn't know how it was supposed to go nor wanted it to go the way i expected it to.
During that session, the matter came to mind by being brought up by the person.
Now when i do think about it, i am having difficulties in studies, social and personal activities. I see now that I have lost some interest in routine activites where i used to enjoy doing. In addition to losing motivation in my studies and pursuing to further my education and also i have lost enthusiasm in social situations and find myself enjoying the company of my own.
Suicidal thinking have been a consistent but not constant way of passing the time, but to be fair, i have been like that since 2008 and the proof can be seen by reading my past entries. I don't know if i enjoy that type of thinking, but i have grown a liking to it eventhough it does scare me sometimes.
The problem of the matter is, even if all this is true, being that i am in the state of depression clinically, what can i do? Do i really need the acknowledgment of other people save for the opinions of experts, but even if that can be clinically proven, it's just another way of me wanting some attention, which i believe that to be true about me especially when i do crave for the diagnosis of said disorder.
In the end, i think that all this is just an excuse, i am just looking for an excuse instead of admitting that i am not perfect and incapable of doing everything and that people have better lives than me.
Thursday, 9 October 2014
Thursday, 25 September 2014
You end up speechless, unable to comprehend the meaning of the timeline, eventhough you believe that there is a silver lining to every incident, believing that the All-knowing, Almighty has His plans, you still end up flabbergasted in awe of it all.
There's been a death in the opposite house
As lately as today.
I know it by the numb look
Such houses have alway.
The neighbours rustle in and out,
The doctor drives away.
A window opens like a pod,
Somebody flings a mattress out, -
The children hurry by;
They wonder if It died on that, -
I used to when a boy.
The minister goes stiffly in
As if the house were his,
And he owned all the mourners now,
And little boys besides;
And then the milliner, and the man
Of the appalling trade,
To take the measure of the house.
There'll be that dark parade
Of tassels and of coaches soon;
It's easy as a sign, -
The intuition of the news
In just a country town.