Sunday 29 August 2010

Memang waktu yang pathetic.

Lagu yang berkumandang dari speaker laptop:

Boneca - Tunjukkan Aku.

Memang lagi buat aku rasa nak "bercengkerama" sangatlah.

What you can give me.

What i would really like from you is something that cannot be seen by the naked eye. Something that cannot be touched, heard or tasted. Something immaterial, something inanimate. It is not an object and yet it is something altogether. But it could be a gift, especially for me. It's called friendship, and i would like you to nurture it not with watering, or decorating it, but just with prayers and with love. that's all i ask.

Just like before.

Like always, if there is a beginning, there must be an ending. But in my perspective, nothing really ever end, unless it is REALLY "the end". But even it is the end, it continues. So basically we are back at square one where there is no end, it just continues on and on and on. I don't know what i am rambling about but perhaps this and this can be an introduction to the following:









Even if it took second thoughts to come here, it took more than that to leave this place. Thank you everyone. Grateful for the experience and the teachings.

Friday 27 August 2010

Seperti budak popular yang sertai Glee.

I hate to admit it but i like being in Gamelan. It's the best part of my day. It's what i am looking forward to.

Apa boleh buat.

Haruslah tabahkan hati, tebalkan muka, kuatkan semangat, dan ikhlaskan niat.

Thursday 26 August 2010

In the near future.

The nearest future, i am very sick and have a running nose that irritates me so.

The nearer future, i will be performing in a show. Should be fun.

The near future, i will be going back home, only to go further away from home to further my studies.

Ahh, this is the life.

Wednesday 18 August 2010

What i've been trying to avoid all along.

Sudah biasa membela harapan tinggi dalam hati ini, untuk akhirnya pecah, kecewa dan sedih, sebak di penghujungnya.

This is a first. Rasa nak give up serta-merta.

Tuesday 17 August 2010

Who am i?

Aku ni apa bagi kau? Aku ini siapa bagi kau?

Adakah sebab bilangan tidak cukup, maka, termaktublah dalam peraturan halimunan akta mengarut bahawa sudah menjadi tanggunjawab aku untuk menjadi hamba abdi kau, untuk mengisi ruang kosong. Niche. Baru sahaja nak kenal, cool-cool, buat pe'el pula. Kau ingat aku ni apa?

Aku tak nak lah cakap banyak, tapi kalau macam ini perangai kau, kau tak rasa ke memang padan dengan apa yang kau dapat sebagai balasan? Bukan aku yang bagi balasan itu. Balasan itu datang secara naturally. Bukan salah aku.

Aku rasa macam kau, atau kau orang ini, expect sesuatu daripada aku. Tapi sepatutnya, orang yang kau, atau kau orang perlu expect adalah diri sendiri. Bukan orang lain. Kenapa pula aku kena capai standard kau? Kenapa pula aku kena puaskan hati kau sedangkan hati aku pun tak puas lagi.

Seriously main point aku sekarang ni, kau siapa, apa kau nak daripada aku, perlu dan wajib ke aku sediakan keperluan tersebut, tak ada orang lain ke selain aku, kalau aku tak laksanakan tugas itu maka aku sahaja yang bersalah, berdosa dan aib?

Sakit hati juga dibuatnya, kenapa pula kau yang sensitif berlebihan. Aku tak berhak ke nak rasa sensitif juga? Semua ini bukan salah aku atau kau, semua ini situasi, tetapi kau serta-merta anggap aku yang buat masalah.

It won't be long.

It's like there is a whole new life waiting for me out there, but instead i am asked, hoped, to be as patient as i can, and wait it out.

I know i have to be patient, now of all times. But somehow, it's like i am in the middle. It's like i am in Limbo. I am in a place where it is not a place. It is a transition. It's like i am just waiting for something to happen, to kickstart another life.

How am i supposed to do that, to stay static, in one place, when my very existence was shook with the news that would change my life and other peoples lives' that intersects with it. I can't just ignore it, pretend like it didn't happen, because it did. I can't just act like i don't want this but in reality, i really want this now. Eventhough at first there were hesitations, but now when i still have the spirit and enthusiasm, i think i should reap the benefits of it while it lasts. Because God knows how easy i get astray and distracted by other things.

Another problem is, what the hell am i supposed to do now, while waiting. My life starts on the other side, but somehow i am stuck in this side, and somehow i have to go on with this life right now, go on to the finish, only to come out in the end, to go on the other side. What's the use? What will all this mount up to?

Ya Allah, tolonglah beri aku kekuatan dan petunjuk.

Saturday 14 August 2010

Nak jakun sekejap.


Makes me feel like Amelie Poulain. I like the part where i was said to be like  a seasoned-pro. Looks like all those presentations in school mount up to something at least. Although, it seems i still have a long way to go about writing reports( I suck at proofreading). Overall, Alhamdulillah.

I realize, i have no pictures of my family. The pictures i do have are exploits of my adventures.

Difference.

A lecturer asked me, "Is there any difference between this place than the place before?".

I told him, there are differences, but they don't affect me. I don't feel any difference. I really don't. Especially when my wardrobe used to look like this:

And my wardrobe now, well let's just say it's better than before since. I'll leave it at that.

Wasiat orang berpengalaman.

Bersyukurlah wahai anak-anakku. Bersyukur dengan apa yang telah dikurniakan kepada kamu. Sedarlah betapa bertuahnya kamu ini kalau dibandingkan dengan orang lain yang tidak bernasib baik. Kamu kena juga bandingkan dengan orang-orang seperti itu supaya kamu sedar, setiap hari itu satu hadiah yang diberi kepada kamu. Setiap hari itu kamu diberi peluang untuk berbuat pelbagai perkara.

Wahai anak-anakku, berhentilah merungut. Belajar menerima keadaan. Bukakan hati kamu itu. Bukakan minda kamu itu. Kamu masih lagi muda. Sepatutnya kamu dahaga ilmu, lapar pahala. Maka janganlah tutup peluang kamu itu untuk berbuat perkara-perakar sedemikian. Belajar cinta akan sesuatu atau seseorang itu walaupun pada awalnya kamu tiada apa-apa perasaan yang baik pun terhadapnya.

Belajarlah berdikari, bersabar dan sebagainya. Sesungguhnya suatu hari akan datang di mana kamu akan rasa bersyukur sangat kamu sudah belajar bab-bab tersebut di dalam subjek hidup ini. Ingatlah bahawa kamu bukanlah lagi budak kecil, kamu bukanlah lagi anak yang dibelai sehingga tidur, disusu sehingga sendawa, disuap sehingga kenyang. Kini, itu semua kamu kena buat sendiri.

Tetapi kamu bukan bersendirian. Kamu kena sedar ramai lagi di sisi kamu yang sanggup membantu kamu, Ramai di sisi kamu yang memerlukan pertolongan kamu. Belajar percaya antara satu sama lain. Belajar menyayangi orang lain, orang baru, orang yang tak mungkin kamu pernah terfikir untuk mengenali. Sesungguhnya, apa yang kamu buat itu, kelak akan berbuah dan berbunga. Kamu juga yang akan mendapat manfaatnya.

Sementara kamu bergelar pelajar, maka janganlah kamu tutup minda kamu, kecilkan skop pelajaran kamu. Fahamkan bahawa walaupun kamu sedang belajar sesuatu yang spesifik, tetapi tidak bermakna, kamu tidak perlu belajar, atau tidak boleh belajar benda lain. Jangan kolotkan pemikiran kamu. Do not be so narrow minded. But do not be so open-minded as well, especially to things that will not have any good significance.

The world is your playground. Start playing little child. Play your best.

Friday 13 August 2010

Agak sukar nak berdwibahasa. Apatah lagi tri.

Aku memang tidak dapat lari lagi daripada menggunakan bahasa melayu. Bukan aku tak suka atau tak nak atau anti bahasa melayu, cuma aku nak praktiskan berkomunikasi berbahasa inggeris memandangkan bahasa inggeris menjadi bahasa perantaraan di institusi pelajaran tinggi. Mostly anyways.

Tapi akhirnya, aku akan berbalik kepada bahasa melayu juga. Aku sudah suka berbahasa dalam bahasa native aku. Tiada salahnya kan.

Motif sebenar aku ingin tulis entri ini adalah aku nak cakap yang aku dah bagaikan hidup seperti orang-orang nomad. Hidup di suatu tempat untuk jangka masa yang lama tapi tak lama. If you know what i mean. Semakin besar, semakin jauh aku berada, in relation to home.

Sebelum ini aku tak fikir sangat, malah tak nak fikir sangat pasal balik rumah. Aku tiada keinginan pun untuk pulang. Tapi sekarang, sejak diberi peluang, aku rasa tak sabar nak pulang dan jumpa keluarga. Aku sedar, keluarga itu suatu institusi sosial yang penting dan patut dijaga.

Satu insiden yang membuat aku terfikir dan rasa sedih dan sedar betapa pentingnya ada relationship, especially ikatan yang berlandaskan darah dan genetik, adalah apabila lecturer aku tanya soalan yang mendalam sewaktu minit-minit akhir kuliah:

"Sempena esok puasa ni, saya ucapkan selamat berpuasa. Dah telefon mak ayah kamu? Bagi sesiapa yang masih ada mak ayah tu telefon lah".

Aku sentap sejenak. Maka, serta-merta selepas keluar dewan kuliah tu, aku telefon ibu aku. Sedap hati dengar suara yang familiar itu berkumandang di speaker telefon bimbit aku. Walaupun untuk sementara waktu sahaja tempoh sesi telefon itu, aku rasa tenang sepanjang hari.

Jurnal Puasa 2010.

Entri pertama.
Sahur pada hari pertama: Biskut tin chop Khong Guan.
Sahur pada hari kedua: Cadbury Bytes. Satu paket.
Sahur pada heri ketiga: Roti canai sekeping yang dibeli dan disimpan sejak berbuka puasa, dan dua kotak kecil honey stars.

Alhamdulillah, tiada gastrik whatsoever.

Wednesday 11 August 2010

Aku sedih.

Perkara-perkara yang boleh mengubah dunia, sedang dijalankan, namun aku bukanlah sebahagian daripadanya. Macam mana aku nak rasa berguna, kalau apa aku buat seperti tidak ada apa-apa impak perubahan.

Tuesday 10 August 2010

For a beginner.

I think i did it pretty well.

#include
#include
main ()
{
clrscr()
int a,b,c,d,e,f;

printf("Please enter first value. \n");
scanf("%d", &a);
printf("The first value you entered is %d.\n",a); /*first value entered*/
printf("Please enter second value. \n");
scanf("%d", &b);
printf("The second value you entered is %d.\n",b); /*second value entered*/

c=a+b; /*sum of the two values*/
d=a-b; /*subtraction of the two values*/
e=a*b; /*multiplication of the two values*/
f=a/b; /*division of the two values*/

printf("The sum of the two values is %d, the subtraction of the two values is %d, the multiplication of the two values is %d and the division of the two values is %d.\n",c,d,e,f);
getch()
}

Monday 9 August 2010

Sometimes it happens.

Kadangkala itu, salah faham itu tentu akan berlaku. Maka dimohon janganlah bertindak terburu-buru. Bukan sengaja. Sesungguhnya tidak. Seikhlas hati, tidak berniat untuk berbuat demikian. Harap diampunkan, jikalau terguris hati. Biasalah kan, awal-awal lagi dalam debit-debit persahabatan. Masih lagi dalam fasa mengenali hati masing-masing.

Percayalah orang lain jikalau nak orang lain percaya kita. Hormatlah orang lain jikalau kita nak orang hormat kita. Sayanglah orang lain jikalau nak orang lain sayang kita.

Kalau semua itu tidak menjadi juga, itu lain cerita.

Sunday 8 August 2010

Terrified.

After hearing details of how it was and experiences from the experienced, i am fucking scared. This is not for the faint of heart and my heart is just one inch away from non-beating.

No point of origin.

It's not that i have just noticed this. But its time, i think that i should stop putting a blind eye about it. Trying to ignore what i am feeling, ends up making me feel nothing. Numbness. Although that is a feeling in its own right.

I feel like everything, or the world to be exact, does not revolve around me, and that is hard to accept and live by. Something huge has happened to me in the past two years, lifestyles changes from living permanently in one place to becoming a nomad; age increase but the way of thinking, maturity, is still at a halt; and a friend, nearly forgotten.

That is what bugs me. What made me feel bad and guilt and ashamed. When my friend went away, i was the only one, i felt, sad. Other people around me, some were sad, but others, the people, the masses in general, they were living their lives as if noting huge has happened. As if any tragedy happened to me didn't matter to them. And yes, it did not matter to them. And that is what bugs me.

Here i was, having a breakdown, in the room all alone crying out loud in my mind, while other people just went on with their lives, most of them not even having a clue as to who went away or why did that person went away. It was written in the newspaper, but it was in a small column, as if it did not have any importance at all.Other stories, more juicier, more unimportant to me, got the big spread, the front page while a phase in my life, acted as an incident that was to fill an empty space in the media. A slot that at that time had no other occupant.

And i don't know why now, it has resurfaced, the feeling of dread and miss, has come back to haunt me in short periods of times in small intervals.

Perhaps, i feel that important things are happening in my life right now that have no importance to the human kind in general. We've been living a lie thinking that we are the vortex, of the universe, sucking everyone in our big meaningless life, making us feel that we are the center of the hole, center of the universe. We, i especially, was just way in over my head. I was kidding myself thinking that i mattered. But no. Somewhere on the other side of the world, some kid is starving due to a war that leads to nowhere, does not revolve around the idea of me given a choice to make. An opportunity to take.

The reason i've been trying to keep it a secret was that i don't want to jinx it. But that's just superstition. A belief that is not valid. I actually, in reality, wanted to shout out loud, scream to the whole world of my decision, after seriously consulting various people. But i thought it through, feeling like other people would perceive me as someone who wants to show off, like he is as important as them in their own lives. Who was i kidding myself. I am not.

I was really afraid of getting high hopes and  then getting let down. Because i have been there, i know and remember how it feels. It feels horrible and i pray that one day i will never feel that way again.

Even if i am no more, life goes on. People move on. They cannot stay at one emotional point in their life for the rest of it. And at one point, i am no longer the person who laughed beside them, who went through thick and thin, tall or small, with them from start to the middle. Because, in the end, i was not there to share the glory, bask in the victory with them, i had my own ending, somewhere else, with some other individuals.

I just wish you well. I just want to wish you better than that, if i could, but i think i am going to need it more. Because in the end, the center of the universe in your life, is you, not anyone else.

Thursday 5 August 2010

Two important decision at the same time.

My brain just exploded and my emotional capacity has reached its pain threshold.

KUATKAN SEMANGAT!

Ya Allah tolonglah berikan aku kekuatan untuk belajar keranamu ya Allah.

Tuesday 3 August 2010

A lot has changed.

A lot.

Now i can really say that i am not the person i used to be. I believe i have changed. I have to believe change is good and i have to change for the good.

Unfortunate fortune.

Not all opportunities that are presented to us, we can grab it in an instant.

And yet not all opportunities yield instant results.

We cannot expect everything to turn out instantly. There will be no satisfaction in that. No sirree. All we can do, i can do, is be thankful for what is given to me and what i have right now. Be grateful that i am awarded with numerous gifts, for example the biggest gift of all, the gift of life.

For the first time in a couple of months.

I have the desire to watch a movie, namely: