Friday, 31 October 2008

Tolonglah ampunkan kesalahanku.

Aku dari dulu lagi memang tak suka rasa sakit hati. Memang cukup benci terhadap perasaan itu. Lebih-lebih lagi apabila aku berasa sakit hati terhadap kawan aku sendiri. Aku rasa perkara sebegitu memang tidak patut ada dalam isi hati aku kerana kawan kita, adalah kawan kita. Tetapi kini aku sedar dalam setiap perhubungan, walaupun betapa dalamnya atau rapatnya ikatan itu, tetap akan ada pahit manis masam payau. Di bumi mana yang tidak ditimpa hujan, kan?

Okay, aku tahu aku punya peribahasa aku low, mampus sama kau.

Satu sebab aku tidak suka mengalami perasaan sakit hati ini adalah kerana fikiran aku akan menjadi tidak waras. Memang benar apa yang aku cakapkan ini. Fikiran aku akan melayang ke entah hidup mana di galaksi mana pun aku tidak tahu. Apa yang aku tahu, aku tidak boleh memberi tumpuan sepenuhnya kepada sesuatu kerja, terutamanya pembelajaran.

Apatah lagi dengan kehadiran orang yang menyakitkan hati aku tersebut berada dalam lingkungan beberapa meter sahaja dengan jasad aku setiap masa.

Lantaran itu aku telah cuba sedaya upaya aku untuk melupakan dan memaafkan kesalahan yang dilakukan sepertimana aku memohon maaf atas kesalahan yang aku pernah lakukan. Malangnya, aku boleh maafkan tetapi tidak boleh melupakan. Itu masalahnya. Walaupun aku sudah memaafkan, perkara yang menyakitkan hati aku itu akan mendiami otak aku. Bagaikan mereka sudah membeli hartanah di sesuatu sudut di dalam minda aku ini. Mereka berada di situ buat "permanently".

Masalah lain yang timbul, aku akan bertambah benci terhadap orang itu. Seperti dalam cerita Star Wars, Master Yoda berkata bahawa Ketakutan membawa kepada Kemarahan, Kemarahan membawa kepada Kebencian, Kebencian membawa kepada Kematian, kalau tidak silap aku lah. Tetapi harap-harap perkara remeh-temeh sebegini tidak akan berakhir dengan kematian lah. Kawan kot.

Demikianlah dilema aku setiap hari. Selalu fikir pasal masalah sebegini sampai timbul kerut di dahi walaupun aku tidak mengerut pun dahi itu. Sampai kawan aku berkata:

Kawan: Wan, kau banyak fikir eh?
Awan: Emm, entahlah. Kenapa?
Kawan: Boleh nampak kerut kat dahi kau tuh.
Awan: Eh, ye ke? Aku tak kerut pun.
Kawan 2: A'a lah, boleh nampak.

Nampaknya selepas ini aku kenalah baut pembedahan plastik, eh chop. Pembedahan kitar semula sebab plastik itu memudaratkan alam sekitar. Aku minta doktor buat pembedahan pada muka aku untuk menukar wajah aku daripada muka berkerut, tua dan menipu kepada muka yang selalu senyum dan muda.

Dengan itu tidak susahlah untuk aku menipu kawan aku lagi. Senanglah untuk aku senyum sentiasa dan tidak menunjukkan muka menyampah dan benci aku. Aku maafkan kau, cuma aku tidak boleh melupakannya.

Nampak sangat aku tak boleh lupakannya sebab sekarang sudah penghujung tahun dah.

Kesimpulannya, aku berdendam eh?

#tambahan: entri ini diinspirasikan dengan satu teknik yang bernama Free-association writing. Cubalah!

I always want to be on top.(Duuuuh)

#Correction:i did a few corrections in the "types of girls i adore".

Gembiranya saya di-tag. Lebih-lebih lagi oleh budak kecik ini.
Baiklah mari kita mulakan.

My Top 10 Most Favorite Foods;
1) Spaghetti meatball bolognese.
No wonder italy looks like a boot, because their food kicks ass.

2) Nasi lemak masakan nenek Khairul Amir bin Zaidan(a/l Zinedene Zidane).
The sambal is to die for, really, if you eat a spoonful of it, you can just drop dead, gorgeous.

3) Veggie lover from Pizzahut.
Saya part-time vegetarian, tak tahu ke?

4) Of course the Super Star of Carl's Junior.
There's nothing like a big fat juicy burger to make you go horny after berbuka puasa.

5) Mcshit.
Ini bukan produk badan kita eh. Tolonglah jangan fikir bukan-bukan.

6) Nasi Paprik Campur di Kedai Bujang.
Kedai ini khas buat orang-orang cool dan bujang sahaja.

7) Chocolate cake with nuts from secret recipe.
Walaupun mahal nak mampos sampai hidup balik mampos balik, tapi sedap nak mampos sampai hidup balik mampos balik. Don't you just go nuts over the nuts?

8) Mashed potatoes courtesy of yours truly.
Apa kau ingat aku tak reti masak ke?

9) Chocolate sundae with extra chocolate on it.
Damn, no wonder i'm getting more thick.

10) Popcorn with a pinch of coke and a spoonful of a good nice movie.

10 Things I Love Doing;
1)Surfing the internet.
All you pro-surfers out there beware cause there's one surfer here that is about to rule the waves. Electromagnetic waves that is.

2) Taking candid pictures.
Before this i used to like taking pictures of people posing, of myself posing. I also used to love editing pictures but after the Awanism epiphany, now i just take pictures of people being themselves. Pictures of people showing who they really are. "Candidation" is all that i need right now.

3) Watching this.

4) Moviemania!
People who know me knows this. Well, duuuh.

5) I like to watch those touch-in-the-heart Petronas advertisements in the television.
They just make me feel jealous for being that creative to come up with something like that.

6) Reading other people's blogs.
Especially this one. Seriously, you have got to read it from the start.

7) Sarcasm.
Without it, we are lost in this world.

8) I am so over Myspace.
Facebook is the new social interaction whatever.

9) Trying to get a higher score that i got at the IQ test.

10) Read Spud all over again.

Things I Love Doing When I'm EMO;
1) Listen to music.
2) Berzikir (tipu jee)
3) Watch Armageddon or Bridge to Terabithia.
4) Let John Dorian and the Sacred Heart Hospital doctors cheer me up.
5) When i'm really EMO, you better not make me go all YODA ON YO ASS!

5 Types of Girls I Adore;
1) Penny lane from Almost Famous.
2) DG from Tin Man.
3) Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter.
4) Carla from There's a boy in the girl's bathroom.
5) Anna Stern from The O.C.

6) Daisy Bell from:

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do
I'm half crazy, all for the love of you,
It won't be a stylish marriage,
I can't afford a carriage,
But you'll look sweet,
on the seat of a bicycle made for two.

7) Elizabeth Bennet from Pride and Prejudice.

5 Things I Love Doing When I'm Happy;
1) Write a poem.
2) Dance my perfectly formed arse off.
3) Listen to the songs i am most addicted to and sing along them very loudly.
4) Eating my top favourite foods.
5) Kill myself. Only if i am really, magnificently, powerfully, inexhaustingly, unlimited, infinitely happy.

5 Things I Wish To Happen;
1) Get married first and then fall in love and have kids and whatnot
2) Go to one of Michael Buble's concerts
3)Get this t-shirt:

4) My eternal happiness.
5) Like everyone else, straight A's.

My Top 10 Most Addicted songs;
1) Polysics - Boys and girls
2) Joshua Radin - Star mile
3) Joshua Radin - Closer
4) Joshua Radin - Winter
5) Joshua Radin - What if you
6) Bodyrockers - i like the way you move
7) Jason Mraz - I'm yours
8) Mike - Billy Brown
9) Elvis Costello - Never fall in love
10)Michael Buble - For once i my life

5 Persons I Wish To tag;
1) Afiqah
2) Amirul
3) Hazriq
4) Zaahira
5) Don Juan

I don't know.

Afiqah: Wan, kau nak masa berlalu dengan pantas ke atau dengan perlahan-lahan?
Awan: Aku nak slow, sebab aku tak nak habis sekolah lagi.

I don't know why i don't feel scared or about to crack. All my friends seems to already be in a state of panic but not me. I wonder why.

Don't get me wrong, of course i don't want to feel panic but i just feel like left out, like something that i don't get but others do. I feel like i'm blind and stupid at the same time to not try my best. I wish i could blame on depression, but even if i had a session and diagnosed with something like depression or personality disorder, that still will be an excuse for me to not try harder.

I think all i'm looking and waiting for is an excuse for me not trying hard enough. Eventhough i know i can do better, i just don't want to. The reason for that is still a a question like the mystery of the bermuda triangle. All my life up until now i've never felt like i have achieved something, on my own.

The awards i got, the medals and certificates, i feel like i don't deserve any of them but i can't let them go because i know that all of them are worth something. i am too greedy and selfish. And stubborn and blind.

I just feel that everyone is acting like this is the last time, like this is the last chance, like this is the only, let me repeat that, the only, oppurtunity we will get to prove ourselves. And that just makes my confidence sink lower that it already is. It makes me feel like after this, i will never get this once in a lifetime oppurtunity, like there will never be any other chances that will come into our lives after we finish school.

And that just makes me go into a spiral of depression. I'm spinning in this spiral of depression, not knowing who i am, who i want to be and what i want. Not having the realisation that i have the power to change my life and make something of it but too blind(yeah, i know) and stupid to see it.

It's not that i don't want to change. I want to, but i feel like taking this step, this small step that has a giant footprint, will change every aspect of my life that i am starting to get used to. Like i always say, we are afraid of change be it for the better good or the other way around. We try to stave it off and distance ourselves from it as long as we can but in the end, like all other things in this world, it is inevitable.

Time waits for nobody. In order to achieve, you must wait for time.

Perhaps this is me freaking out. i guess i better go and read something.

Saturday, 25 October 2008

Big green monster.

Sometimes i envy those people who idolises rock bands like The Who, The Ramones, Red Hot Chili Peppers and so on so forth. Not to mention those indie kids who loves those indie bands. I always wanted to be like them, not in the fanatic way but, the admiration part.

What i mean is, i envy their admiration, their love for their pop/rock band/singer. I always see in the tabloid, their favourite performer did a great cool looking concert in (insert name of place, state, country). THe pictures all turned out great and the feedbacks seems endless. My friends would talk about the performance non-stop, even if a month had already passed.

I envy them. All i have is Michael Buble, but he is not cool, he is not hip. He's just the guy in a suit singing some old crappy songs.

Well one thing is for sure, eventhough i do envy the punk/rock/indie/pop culture, i always depend on the jazz and classical as a pick me up. It always turn my mood around, when i needed them to be turned around. I never did care about the trends and the society's "norm" perspective. I only have my perspective and my social norms.

So i don't care about my idol being uncool, not hip, so not a rocker. At least he's not on drugs and alcohol. At least he is not in some hotel suite having free unprotected promiscous sex. He does them all in the backstage of his concert.

Now that is way cooler.

Thursday, 23 October 2008

I fucking love my new converse sneakers.

The idea came to me when i was bored surfing the internet. It was March 2008 if i was not mistaken and it was injected into my head in a from of images that i thought would change everything. And it did. Instantly, i straight away did all the preparations. The end result was this.

The pictures i took was to emphasize on the main aspects of my life this year. At first, to me there were loads of aspects in my life that i thought was important, but after serious thinking(a combination of sleeping and eating) i concluded that there were three significant aspects in my current life.

One of them was education. Most of you who are born on 1991 are currently undergoing the same problems i am facing this year. The major examination, the most important test in our life. That was what my teacher said to me, no pressure eh. This year is quite hard and difficult. I had to rush everything and my mind was constantly occupied by the thought of the "big kahuna". It never slipped my mind for more than two hours, but of course i'm much of a procrastinator to do something about it. My parents, brothers, teachers, and myself depend on me on getting straight A's. Royal flush, whatever the term is. Sometimes i just think that what i'm doing is not for my future, but for pleasing my family. Although the result of pleasing my family will make a bright future for me, i just feel that it is not something that i am ready for and desire, yet.

The A's, B's, and C's represent all the grades of the exams that i have had and will get. No need for the explanation on the expression.

Another important aspect in my life is love. For years i have tried to perfect my skills in the art of seducing and charming females to do my bidding but still in the end it comes back to me being alone and feeling unwanted. I trust that there is someone out there for me, just for me, not anyone else, it's just she's too shy and i'm too lazy. I have never been in love, i don't trust that feeling because my mind is based on logic and love is something unfamiliar for me so that is why it is difficult for me to trust anyone and love. And perhaps that is the reason why i'm not getting any of that.

The love shape symbolises love, eventhough it does not look like a heart. And the absence of my face represent the stupidity of my intelligence in the art of love and how i am clouded by judgements, idiot ones, to recognise love.

The next aspect in my life is hypocrisy. It is actually not an important and significant role in my life but i have come about in perfecting this art. I have become quite the prodigy in this subject and that is why it is shown here. At the end of last year and the beginning of this year, i faced many events that proved to be the most important evens in my life. These occurrences showed to me that life is hard and surprisingly improperly planned and no matter what we do, sometimes things do go as we want them too. Another lesson i learnt was that people are double faceted(just trying out a new word). The duality of man. We cannot really understand the feelings and emotions of another because we are created differently and we were raised differently. From this i learned that sometimes we cannot trust people because they lie to get out of problems, the choose the easy way out.

The smile represents the hypocrite who smiles on the outside but insiduously swears to people on the inside.

And this, this is just me trying to be cute and it is just used as a stamp/logo for awanism.

The Awanism campaign.

The ongoing campaign that will sweep the nation by their stomachs. I will be adding more images in the future. Just you wait and see.

Sunday, 19 October 2008


Baiklah, pertama sekali saya ingin jelaskan apa sebabnya saya bertukar bahasa. Kamu pun mestilah sudah perasan bahawa sekarang ini saya menggunakan bahasa ibunda kan sebagai bahasa pengantaraan saya dalam blog ini. Saya tahu kamu tidak tertanya-tanya, tetapi untuk memuaskan nafsu dan ego saya yang fikir saya ini ada peminat(*batuk kuat-kuat sampai berdarah), saya ingin jelaskan sebab saya menggunakan bahasa Melayu.

SPM. terima kasih.

Tetapi ini tidak bermakna saya tidak akan gunakan bahasa kegemaran saya, English, oh tidak. Apabila saya tidak tahu sesuatu perkataan bahasa melayu, mungkin saya akan gunakan termnya dalam English.

Kedua, sebab saya senyap pada masa ini, sebenarnya banyak sebab. Dan sebenarnya bukan senyap ataupun sudah lama tidak online walhal banyak entri yang sudah saya mulakan, tetapi memandangkan saya ini seorang yang procrastinator, saya tidak dapat siapkan post tersebut lantaran jadilah draft. Sebabnya adalah berikut:

SPM. terima kasih.

Tetapi ini tidak bermakna saya tiada idea atau buah fikiran, oh tidak, cuma saya tak sempat(kononnya) untuk menyiapkan entri yang sudah menjadi draft.

Ketiga, sebab saya bagai tidak online di myspace adalah kerana banyak sebab. Baiklah, saya tipu, sebabnya dua sahaja. Sebab pertamanya kamu boleh merujuk kepada sebab-sebab di atas. Sebab keduanya, adalah kerana benda alah bawah ini:

Azuan Ayob's Facebook profile

Friday, 17 October 2008


Secara rasminya saya tidak tahu apa yang hendak saya tulis.

Nak kata saya masih sakit hati dan kecil hati pada rakan-rakan lain, semua itu sudah lepas dan sudah saya melupakannya.

Nak kata saya bosan dengan hidup, memang pun tetapi saya percaya hidup akan bertambah lagi bosan atau sebaliknya selepas SPM.

Nak kata saya mahu bunuh diri, betul, tetapi saya akan mendapat dosa besar dan saya tak nak dosa besar. Jadi katakan tidak kepada bunuh diri, tetapi ya kepada dadah, rokok, arak, seks rambang dan lain-lain.

Nak kata saya malas belajar, sudah 11 tahun saya belajar secara formal, dan bertahun-tahun saya belajar secara tidak formal. Jadi tiada apa yang akan menjadi halangan kepada saya daripada belajar kerana setiap hari kita belajar sama ada kita mahu ataupun tidak.

Nak kata saya rindu segalanya walaupun belum tepat pada masanya untuk rindu, memang pun. Saya ini kira lebih sensitif dari perempuan yang sensitif. Kalau dibandingkan dengan isteri yang sedang mengandung dan beremosional kerana hormonnya yang memang out of balance, saya lagi sensitif. Tetapi saya tak bangga pun sebab susah hidup kalau sensitif teramat, kan.

Nak kata susah nak senang dan senang nak susah, saya setuju. Saya percaya kamu semua pun setuju, kan. Kalau tak tuh, kamu bodoh rupanya.

Nak kata apa lagi, sudah tiada apa nak dan boleh dikata sekarang. Sekarang inilah masanya untuk bertindak, bukan berfikir dan berbual. This is the time to act not lounge around and still think there's time. Tetapi itulah masalahnya, saya bodoh kerana tak bertindak tetapi pandai kerana sedar sekarang masanya untuk bertindak. What does that make me?

Bodoh pandai lah.

Wednesday, 8 October 2008


Oh my god i got tagged. By her. My name is the last one on her tag list. Hahaha.

Actually i was bored so i wanted to do this thing.

I am a very phobic person. I am afraid of loads of things like being in an elevator, consuming prescription medicine especially the pills, when the whole neighbourhood has blacked out, and the vast infinite limitless space devoured by water that is the dark and deep ocean. I also have more phobias but i won't tell them since i am a man now.

If you noticed, mostly and usually all of my comments, messages, testimonials and so on oftenly starts with a laugh. For example,

Person A: What's your name?
Me: Hahaha, Awan.
Person A: Age please?
Me: Haha, emm 17.
Person A: Sex?
Me: Haha, yes please!

This"start a laugh in every sentence" gag only happens in comments, messages, testimonials and so on. Not in real life.

I hate roadtrips. I could list a million things why i hate them but i have no time so i'll just write the following:
  • I don't know what to bring
  • I get bored in the car
  • The car is cramped
  • When i feel like going to the loo, it's just inconvenient
  • The R&R that we stop at are unhygienic
  • No fcuking good music on the radio
  • I get nausea and feel like throwing up
  • My parents will talk and talk and i listen to their boring gossip
Well there's more but whatever.

I am a very antisocial, very introverted, very shy person. Though most of the time you see me as an extroverted and sort of very social kind of person but actually i am not. I like to be alone, mostly. I like to think rather than talk. I hate huge groups and prefer to be in the company of at most three people. I love to watch people's behaviour rather than jumping myself into a large group and being the center of attention.

I also hate big groups or special holidays/occasions. For instance Hari raya, Weddings, Engagements and anything along the line that has me going to a big party where there are lots of people and relatives and where i have to talk and say hello and introduce myself. It's just to much of a burden since i am very introverted and shy.

I hate being bored. Really, boredom do kill people. Let me show you how with me as an example. I get bored easily since life is so boring. When i get bored i eat. When i eat i get fat. When i get fat i lose my confidence. When i lose my confidence, people will look down on me. When people will look down on me i have no friends. When i have no friends i feel worthless. When i feel worthless i eat more. When i eat more i become more fatter. When i become the fattest person in the universe who is a lonely friendless worthless fat full of fat, i kill myself. Even if i don't kill myself, which is highly impossible, cancer will or the sheer fat of my body will.

I love languages. I really do. But of course my favourite is English but i would love to master Melayu, French, Russian, Japanese,German, Australian and Ireland. If possible.

I love to eat. Who doesn't? You know the saying eat to live not live to eat. Well i say both. We eat to live and sometimes we need to live to eat. What's the harm about that? Ok perhaps the above mentioned death but other than that there's nothing bad about eating, kan?

I am a nerd. I wear a tie and i tuck in my shirt. I play games like Final Fantasy and i read story books. I go online and look for info on many stuff. I don't read newspapers or magazine. I'd love to wear glasses and have braces but i'm to nerd to become a cool nerd. I collect comic books, well Malaysian comic books, not those fancy shmanchy American DC/Marvel comics.

I'm into porn although i've never watched a full length one. True story.

I don't know how to count more than ten in Russian.

I love movies. I love the cinema. But most of all i love popcorn and coke.

If it smells like poetry i go here for solitude. But if i just don't give a shit anymore i will take refuge here. If i feel like a fashionista i will institute myself at this school. If i feel like George Bush i go here. If i feel like sucking my thumb i go here. And if i feel like being creative i go here.

I fcuking hate fake people. Identity-less people. People who wants to look and be "cool" or "indie". Copycats. Cheapskates. Gay (as in happy you idiots) people. Overbearing people. Hot-tempered. Smokers. Rempits. And so on.

I would love to live happily.

I want to tag:
and all of those who are in the bloglist. Except those who have already did it of course.

Infinite thanks.

Thank you so much for the kind gestures and the nice and warming wishes. Also a very huge thanks for the cake and the clothes and the love. Thanks to the power of infinity.

Also thank you to Mr. Phoenix for this.

Saturday, 4 October 2008

The tell-off.

Here is part one.

"Where have you been?! I was worried sick! You should have been here by six and look at the clock now. It's half past seven!" said mum, her face lit up with anger and her cheeks all pink. Perhaps it is her complexion that makes it easy to detect whether she's blushing or angry, and i always use this to my advantage.

"I'm sorry but i was stuck in traffic" i answered sarcastically.

"What traffic?! You walked home!"

I could see from her face that she was dead serious. Not that i wanted to provoke her any more than i should have but i was tired and in need of a good rest and a hot bath. With depressed enthusiasm i lied and said that i bumped into an old friend and chatted away until i lost track of time. I assured her that it was all involuntarily done.

"An old friend eh? Okay, just as long as you're alright, that's fine by me. Next time try not to forget your curfews. Oh and you're grounded. For two weeks" said she, sternly.

With a grunt i said "Whatever". I'm too antisocial to even be outdoors, the grounded thing will be a piece of cake for me. Quickly i untied my shoelaces and took my red worn out converse sneakers off. It was my first pair of shoes that i bought three years ago and has been my constant companions since. I would wear them everytime i went out for a stroll or just an outdoor activity. Regularly i just wear them without socks because they make my feet all sweaty and uncomfortable.

But perhaps by and bye, when on soft wet green grass, i prefer to be barefooted. It is such a wonderful feeling to feel the grass sliding between your toes, tickle the funny bone out of you. After taking the shoes off i threw them on the floor and got up and i was headed to the stairs until my mother stopped me and inquired whether i'd like to have my dinner heated up in the microwave. My stomach was already rumbling like a rock band, so i said yes.

Then i continued to walk quickly up the stairs and into the heartwarming sensation of the solitude of my room.

"Hmphhh" i sighed with great satisfaction after i jumped myself on my bed, staring into the glow in the dark stickers that had always given me the security i needed when i was a boy who was afraid of the dark. Now they're just regarded as decoration to amuse myself in times of boredom and sometimes when my head is flowing with limitless imagination. Mom always said to peel them off and just paint the whole room. But i resented it and asked for my freedom in decorating my own room.

Then i remember the previous encounter with the foreign lady and concerning about the unusual rock that aroused my attentions. I reached my left hand in my left jeans' pocket and took the rock out. Somehow the rock has a weird effect on me, making me feel drowsy and sleepy.

I can see stars glowing in the ceiling and moons lighting up the room. The universe seems so vast and huge, which in turn condescends me to feel insignificant. Makes me feel small and unimportant. But then i noticed that there is something moving in the sky, moving with great speed. I can see it, it is a large star, or perhaps a meteor, with a distinct green crystal-like glow, speeding through the galaxy leaving a trail of dust and small particles behind. I felt a shiver down my spine, watching the meteor pass above the skies of earth, nearly entering it's atmosphere. Is this a dream? How can i see such an occurrence? Then, out of the blue, after making a distance away from earth, the meteor, in all it's glowing glory, flashed brightly than before and poof, it just vanished. It was just how i witnessed it in the sky this evening, only from a different angle and persona. Everything seemed so dark and cold. Like lifeless. Quiet, an eternal bliss covered the space.

"Strawberry, strawberry. Wake up. Your dinner's getting cold."

The sound of someone familiar entered my ears. I opened my eyes and there she was, the lady with the strawberry lips and short curly blonde hair, lights bouncing off of them. I was shocked.

Come on baby!

83 to go and no time to waste.

Make me taller make me smaller all i wish is to be a sinner.
Give me courage give me power but will you give me a lover.
I want to fly i want to die
I want a lollipop and make you drop
I want a cat and none of that
that can make me go dead.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

You won't admit you love me
and so how am i ever to know
you only tell me
perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

But my perhaps is much more different, i think.

Since the beginning of my high school years i have learnt many things but love is not one of them. I have learnt how to get myself out of sticky-icky situations. I learnt how to charm people. I have learnt how to be alone. But never in my life have i learned how to love or to recognise and acknowledge that love.

Over the past few years, i have the instinct and the intelligence of knowing whether someone has a liking to me or not. I call it talent but what good use a talent if i do not use it to my advantage. Maybe it is because of my innocence or perhaps my kindheartedness. Either one, i have never tried to misused the liking of someone into to do my own bidding.

I also had no talent in accepting and/or replying that likeness to another. I believe in imagination like how i have always said. I don't believe in love at first sight or anything of that matter. Its imagination that makes our lives better. That's another story. What i'm trying to say here is, if a person does like me, i cannot accept that likeness nor can i reply the latter if and only if i do not have the same feelings towards the person. Nor can i say and hint to the person that i do not have the same predisposition towards the person for i have not the courage of breaking someones heart.

Instead i would just rely on my good wits and manners and treat the person with civility and respect. Although i do not think that telling her the truth about my feelings is a respect i should give but nevertheless i am a cowardly lion.

That would still be easy for me.

But staying in the area of the unknown is very disagreeable. I guess i am now feeling what my former admirers are feeling too. Liking someone that cannot or has not accepted and replied the likeness. It is a very sad situation. But then again, there is hope, for i can see the hints and the clues of the same likeness towards me. But it is incumbent of me to forego all my common senses and sweep you away because i have not the most evidential proof. I am the again the cowardly lion.

if only you give me strength and courage to do so. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

Knowing that you love me.

That is all i ask. Not more but please no less than i deserve.

Even if you could not love me in the future nor the present, knowing that once you loved me is enough. Actually it is not enough but i am willing to step down and let you lead a life of freedom and prosperity, living with someone who is steady, someone stable, someone agreeable. I am willing to forego my one true chance of happiness for yours instead. It is my wish.

But before i could do that, just tell me, even a whisper is enough to silence my love for you forever.