I don't know.

Afiqah: Wan, kau nak masa berlalu dengan pantas ke atau dengan perlahan-lahan?
Awan: Aku nak slow, sebab aku tak nak habis sekolah lagi.

I don't know why i don't feel scared or about to crack. All my friends seems to already be in a state of panic but not me. I wonder why.

Don't get me wrong, of course i don't want to feel panic but i just feel like left out, like something that i don't get but others do. I feel like i'm blind and stupid at the same time to not try my best. I wish i could blame on depression, but even if i had a session and diagnosed with something like depression or personality disorder, that still will be an excuse for me to not try harder.

I think all i'm looking and waiting for is an excuse for me not trying hard enough. Eventhough i know i can do better, i just don't want to. The reason for that is still a a question like the mystery of the bermuda triangle. All my life up until now i've never felt like i have achieved something, on my own.

The awards i got, the medals and certificates, i feel like i don't deserve any of them but i can't let them go because i know that all of them are worth something. i am too greedy and selfish. And stubborn and blind.

I just feel that everyone is acting like this is the last time, like this is the last chance, like this is the only, let me repeat that, the only, oppurtunity we will get to prove ourselves. And that just makes my confidence sink lower that it already is. It makes me feel like after this, i will never get this once in a lifetime oppurtunity, like there will never be any other chances that will come into our lives after we finish school.

And that just makes me go into a spiral of depression. I'm spinning in this spiral of depression, not knowing who i am, who i want to be and what i want. Not having the realisation that i have the power to change my life and make something of it but too blind(yeah, i know) and stupid to see it.

It's not that i don't want to change. I want to, but i feel like taking this step, this small step that has a giant footprint, will change every aspect of my life that i am starting to get used to. Like i always say, we are afraid of change be it for the better good or the other way around. We try to stave it off and distance ourselves from it as long as we can but in the end, like all other things in this world, it is inevitable.

Time waits for nobody. In order to achieve, you must wait for time.

Perhaps this is me freaking out. i guess i better go and read something.