Depression and suicide

It's not that just lately i've thought about it or that it has emerged in my head due to recent events, although perhaps that i have likely pondered on the notion dating a few years back, but maybe only recently save for some incidences or lack thereof, the thinking or the pondering is exacerbated to an extent i myself am unaware of.

I remember during my teenage years in high school where i have contemplated on the matter and discussed it with myself further and did some personal reading for educational and individual gain. Although there was no conclusion on me diagnosing myself, but at least i accumulated knowlegde albeit a little amount of it.

Now, as i grow older and as the experience expands and increase in both quality and quantity, i realize that i have come full circle in the sense that i am at the same point i was during those years where i felt like i should be clinically diagnosed.

Mind you, that for the first time in my life, all i have ever wanted to experience was the moment where i get to meet the expert on the matter personally. Oh how so many times i have pictured myself how it will it go, who will i meet, what would we have been disussing and so on and so forth. Until the real second that i obtained the opportunity to actually reliving that wish, it didin't go how i imagined it in my head. Truthfully, i didn't know how it was supposed to go nor wanted it to go the way i expected it to.

During that session, the matter came to mind by being brought up by the person.

Now when i do think about it, i am having difficulties in studies, social and personal activities. I see now that I have lost some interest in routine activites where i used to enjoy doing. In addition to losing motivation in my studies and pursuing to further my education and also i have lost enthusiasm in social situations and find myself enjoying the company of my own.

Suicidal thinking have been a consistent but not constant way of passing the time, but to be fair, i have been like that since 2008 and the proof can be seen by reading my past entries. I don't know if i enjoy that type of thinking, but i have grown a liking to it eventhough it does scare me sometimes.

The problem of the matter is, even if all this is true, being that i am in the state of depression clinically, what can i do? Do i really need the acknowledgment of other people save for the opinions of experts, but even if that can be clinically proven, it's just another way of me wanting some attention, which i believe that to be true about me especially when i do crave for the diagnosis of said disorder.

In the end, i think that all this is just an excuse, i am just looking for an excuse instead of admitting that i am not perfect and incapable of doing everything and that people have better lives than me.

FYI for the future

To commemorate yesterday, the days of all days in my life so far, on the 24th year of my life, happened the total lunar eclipse.

 http://www.space.com/27358-total-lunar-eclipse-blood-moon-complete-coverage.html

http://www.timeanddate.com/eclipse/lunar/2014-october-8

Seorang Akhi

The world revolves and orbits nonstop. It doesn't stop just because something happens to you. And yet, when something so profound, so devastating, so surprising that comes at you shocking, you expect that the world has to stop, even for a moment, because you need that moment to take it all in, take the experience, absorb it slowly, digest it emotionally, to have a better understanding at what is going on. 

But then the saying emerges, the world doesn't revolve around you. And life goes on. It passes by, at its own pace, so much so, that you are just barely keeping up, that you feel like you are always getting left behind to a point where you feel like you're at the end of the line hanging by a thread waiting for the ball to drop.

Which makes you realize nonetheless, life goes on, at its own pace, without noticing your existence, making you feel insignificant, adding to the list of long insignificancies(?) you are already aware of yourself. 

You end up speechless, unable to comprehend the meaning of the timeline, eventhough you believe that there is a silver lining to every incident, believing that the All-knowing, Almighty has His plans, you still end up flabbergasted in awe of it all. 

I was very lucky to have been able to meet him, to get to know him even for a brief moment compared to those more near and dear to him. Enclosed with this post, is a picture of a dessert that i did get to enjoy stuffing myself after watching how he made it so simply yet so deliciously. This was the last dessert- perhaps in the so forgetful mind that i have- that i have been able to have shared, during the last meeting of my very latest memory i have of him.

Eating it incited in myself to try to make one of my own but i have never been able to cook up the exact replica of his, which makes it ok for me, since that made it unique and one of a kind. 

May allah forgive him, May Allah grant him the best of Jannah to have undergone a great and hard test together with his family, may Allah ease his family and their trials. He has taught me so much, when actually i thought that i should have been teaching him. It goes to show that life is where you learn and never stop doing so, that you can learn many things from many people all around you. You just have to listen and learn.

Hadith narrated by Abu Hurayra that can be found in Sahih Muslim (#1631) and al-Tirmidhi (#1376) that The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, 

“When the son of Adam dies, all his deeds come to an end, except for three: ongoing charity, beneficial knowledge or a righteous son who will pray for him.”

May your deeds still multiply in the actions and akhlaq of those hearts you have touched so softly.

And also another picture is about the last time i was with him and other brothers during our last halaqah. After the disbandment of the halaqah-in other words me having to relocate and them being passed to another more reliable murabbi- i never really got the chance to see and talk to him properly.

Although i did get a chance to see him during his stays in the hospital and i was very relieved to have had the opportunity to at least visit him face to face during his hardship.

I pray for the best.

Emily's Death in the opposite house

There's been a death in the opposite house
As lately as today.
I know it by the numb look
Such houses have alway.

The neighbours rustle in and out,
The doctor drives away.
A window opens like a pod,
Abrupt, mechanically;

Somebody flings a mattress out, - 
The children hurry by;
They wonder if It died on that, - 
I used to when a boy.

The minister goes stiffly in
As if the house were his,
And he owned all the mourners now,
And little boys besides;

And then the milliner, and the man
Of the appalling trade,
To take the measure of the house.
There'll be that dark parade

Of tassels and of coaches soon;
It's easy as a sign, - 
The intuition of the news
In just a country town.

Emily Dickinson

Stop for a moment

We're too busy and we don't have time to stop and take a breather.

Stop.

Just stop.

Take a moment, bask in the ambience.

Susah memang susah

Beribu-ribu kali berjanji dan berazam untuk berubah, namun akhirnya kecundang lagi. Mungkin tidak cukip beribu, maka diperlukannya berjuta. 

Hati yang sarat dengan dosa apatah lagi tubuh dan anggotanya yang tidak jemu melakukan maksiat akan terasa pelik bila melakukan kebaikan. Setelah sekian lama terbiasa dengan tabiat-tabiat yang mudah dan memuaskan kesenangan, apabila berdepan dengan cabaran ingin melakukan perkara yang berlawanan dengan nafsu, sangat sukar dan sulit. 

Memang fitrah manusia sukakan kepada kebaikan, kebenaran, keindahan apatah lagi yang membawa kepada ketenangan dan kebahagiaan bilamana ia mendekati tuhannya. Namun pada jiwa yang sudah jauh dari tuhannua, sudah tidak mengenali siapa tuhannya, yang sudah tidak mengenali hakikat dirinya sendiri, akan memerlukan waktu dan memerlukan tenaga yang banyak untuk meningatkan dan membangkitkan dirinya dari kelenaan dunia dan kepuasan nafsu yang bermaharajalela. 

Memang penat bila kita melawan nafsu, memang payah dan memang perit. Bayangkan seorang yang sudah ketagih dadah, mungkin dia tahu keburukan dan kejelekannya, mungkin tidak. Namun dalam satu sudut dalam dirinya, dia pasti dapat merasakan bahawa dadah apa jenis yang dia pakai atau makan atau gunakan itu membawanya ke jalan yang tidak dia sukai sekiranya dia sedar pada penghujung jalan itu adalah sesuatu yang membawa parah. Walaubagaimanapun, akhirnya diri akan kecundang kepada nafsu, akhirnya seolah-olah tidak dapat untuk dirinya mengawal diri sendiri melawan keinginan, kehendak, kebiasaan dan ketertarikan yang membuak-buak di dalam jiwanya yang menghidupkan dirinya untuk meneruskan dengan dadahnya itu. 

Kerana melawan keinginan itu sangat penat. Menahan diri sangat penat. Yang mudah dan senang adalah mengikut dan menuruti, menunduk dan mematuhi, melaksanakan dan melakukan segala printah dan kehendak nafsu, sehinggakan terpedaya dengan kesenangan sementara yang diperolehi. Sehinggakan terlupakan kepada keburukan dan marabahaya yang menanti di penghunjung jalan ini, terlena dan lalai dibuai euphoria.

Lantas, bagaimana bisa untuk kita melawannya? Sedangkan apa yang kita hadapi, apa yang kita mendepani, adalah diri kita sendiri. Musuh kita ada darah daging yang cuba kita senangi dan bahagiakan, adalah jiwa yang membisik kepada kita ketika sendirian malah dalam keramaian. 

Lantas bagaimana aku ingin melawan cerminan aku? Bagaimana aku ingin mengubah diri aku, membentuk satu permata yang berkilau dan berainar di dalam kegelapan dunia yang tenggelam di dalam kekotoran, kenodaan dan kenistaan.

Salamatul sadri

Kalau tidak kerana berlapang dada, sudah lama aku mengeluarkan kata-kata kesat.

Kalau tidak kerana aku sudah membenci untuk kembali ke zaman dahulu, sudah lama aku mengamuk dan marah.

Kalau tidak kerana aku sudah ditarbiyyah dan sedang cuba untuk berubah dan menjadi lebih baik, sudah lama aku mengungkit dan menuding jari siapa yang berbuat onar.

Kalau tidak kerana ukhuwwah dan itsar, sudah lama aku berkira dan tidak berbelas kasihan dan lepas tangan dalam apa jua keadaan pun.

Sedang cuba bersabar dan masih lagi bertahan, tapi tidak tahu bila dan bagaimana kalau dapat sampai ke penghujung. 

Moga-moga aku dapat mengawal nafsu, menjaga akhlaq dalam apa jua keadaan, dan Allah ampunkanlah dosa aku yang berlambak ini sehinggakan mencemari qalbu aku dari berlapang dada dan bersabar.

The real deal.

Ukhuwwah bukan sekadar manis dibibir, teori untuk di bahas dan dibentangkan, dijadikan bahan untuk bercerita sahaja.

Malah lebih dari itu, terjelma pada perbuatan dan kelakuan, diterjemahkan kepada peribadi dan karakter termasuklah tatacara interaksi kita dengan orang lain, dimana kita melebihkan orang lain dari kepentingan diri sendiri tanpa membangkitkan hal-hal tersebut dihadapannya atau sesiapapun.

Di mana hilangnya nilai itsar, yakni perbuatan mengutamakan kehendak, keperluan, kepentingan orang lain dari diri kita sendiri? Adakah kita sanggup menyusahkan diri kita sendiri untuk mempermudahkan urusan orang lain? Pada hematku, perkara ini tidaklah tertakluk pada benda-benda materialistik, apatah lagi bila menyentuh tentang amalan-amalam dalam islam.

Dengan itu, apabila berkata tentang itsar, tidak semestinya bersifat materialistik sahaja seperti barang, duit, makanan dan sebagainya, malah lebih luas dari itu sehinggakan kita bergadai tenaga, waktu dan emosi.

Dan bila aspek-aspek tadi terlibat, maka itulah ujian buat kita, untuk bersabar, untuk melatih dan memupuk kasih sayang antara sesama muslim malah sesama manusia, meskipun kita juga dalam kesusahan dan kesempitan, orang lain diutamakan malah orang yang kita tidak kenali dengan lebih dekat.

Disinilah kita boleh lihat betapa teguh atau tidak iman kita. Apakah kita benar-benar beriman dengan Allah dan ganjaranNya, beriman dengan pembalasan hari akhirat, beriman ingin berpeluang mendapat redhaNya, berpeluang untuk menatap wajah Rabbul Alamin.

Lebih dari itu, sebenarnya kita tidak perlu sentuh pun tentang ukhuwwah melalui perbicaraan kita, melalui kata-kata manis, sajak-sajak dan puisi yang tersohor dan dikenal merata alam siber walhal lebih mudah dan lebih menggugah pabila kita menterjemahkannya dalam kelakuan dan perbuatan, dalam amalan seharian, dalam tingkahlaku dan doa, dalam kesabar memberi lebih dari apa yang kita punyai.

Terkadang, atau mungkin selalu, akhlak itu lebih penting meskipun kalau sikit atau banyak ilmu, miskin atau kaya, sihat atau sakit, dan lain-lain yang bersifat kontradiktif satu sama lainnya. Penekanan pada interaksi dengan manusia kurang difokuskan melainkan lebih kepada penekanan ilmu sehinggakan orang tidak melihat kepada apa yang disampaikan walhal melihat pada siapa yang menyampaikan dan bagaimana mesej itu disampaikan.

Akibatnya, walaupun mesej yang ingin dijelaskan itu benar dan shahih, namun tidak memberi apa-apa efek kalau caranya itu membuat penerima mesej tersebut lebih merasa terkutuk dari dibela dan diselamatkan.

Penerimaan itu lebih bermakna bila kita menggunakan elemen kasih sayang, apatah lagi dengan "ukhuwwah fillah abadan abada".

Walk the talk, my brothers, WALK, the talk.

Dear God,

Perhaps this is not suitable, not appropriate.

I should send this, ask this of my lord, pray this during the night hours, during the time which everyone is sleeping, the time when the chosen, the selected few, the loved ones, those whom He loves and loves Him back, can and will only be able to wake up and ask for forgiveness, seeking repentance, waiting for answers, praying and wishing and hoping and asking, that Allah will make it all better.

A dream that makes you sleep better at night, the soothing voice lullabying you into a slumber that makes you don't want to wake up, the hand that holds you, giving you a sense of security and safeness, the feeling you get of being cherished and loved and heard.

Those are the advantages that only the few get, only the strong will endure, only the mukminin will be granted of.

The people who wakes up at night, longing to see their master, leaving the recluse of rest depraving yourself of sleep, leaving the comfortness of your own bed, all because you get to meet your lord, One who is all hearing, all knowing, all forgiving.

Those who are granted the opportunity to do so, to wake up, are those of the winners, those who are granted the feeling of missing, longing, wanting, yearning, ever so wishing, are those of the winners, those who are granted the strength, the energy, the time, the chance to get up and qiamullail, are those of the winners.

Because He loves them and vice versa.

Oh how i want to be of those people, to be able to relieve myself of this worldy hunger, to be able to free myself of this worldy illusion that shackles me from my true destination, the hereafter, to be able to control myself from needless lust and gluttony, to be able to enter Jannah and to meet and greet my lord, to be able to look in the face of my one and only master and creator.

O lord whose hearts are in your control. Please make our hearts firm upon your deen, please do not sway our hearts, do not lead us astray, keep allowing us to be under you hidayah.

Having a guilt trip.

I can see in their eyes that they're blaming me for the things i did. I can see that they are not satisfied for what has happened, because of me. I can feel the fingers, mentally, non-existently real, pointing at me, and it is as if that nothing can change that, an irreversible err in my long list of errs.

It is my fault. God knows that i am living with the consequences, with the guilt, with the depression, the inconsistent irreplaceable nonexistant confidence that i have lost in myself. Heck i even have lost the trust that i have in myself, to the point where i don't believe i can do it anymore, where i always and am in an infinite constant doubt of my own capabilities as to the neverending being reminded of my mistakes.

God knows how i beat myself up for it, and sometimes i just feel like i don't need the added pressure of your condescending and "holier than thou" attitude, blaming me for my errors in the past. It is not helping anybody, whatsmore going to help the goals that we are trying to achieve and aspire.

I know it's my fault. What else do you want me to do or say? Or perhaps i haven't said it enough(out loud).

But i guess it is human nature to blame someone for something that actually in truth we cannot control. As it is human nature for me in self-defense to remark on your faults and disadvantages that makes you nonetheless equipped or having the right to judge me so.

In the end, all this politics is bringing us nowhere when we have so much to do.

It won't right the wrongs, heck it won't even make things better. What it will do is only create more conflict and strife between people. Which in the long run, won't get us anywhere on a local scale and even a global agenda.

For too long, have i reminisced on my mistakes. For too long have i kept myself in the fortress of solitude, perhaps condemning myself, perhaps as a way to punish myself or seeking for my own retribution nor salvation, whatever it may be, it needs to stop. Before i stop altogether.

And i believe i wouldn't want that, to stop altogether. When i think about that notion, i just go blank unable to picture myself without a sense of purpose, living nomadically searching for a reason that could make me stay, istiqomah.

I know that anything i do or will try to do, will never change the fact that i did those errors, i made mistakes. But to be living with them is just not that gratifying nor will it lead to better conditions. I need to make myself known to the fact that i need to move on, and perhaps they should too. I cannot control what i cannot control.

Verily the hearts of humans are in the grasp of Allah. He is the One capable of doing so.

O turner of the hearts, make my heart firm upon Your religion.

Shallow change

I remember how i used to love some silly thing, love it to the point that i want it all the time, want to do it all the time, want to look at it all the time and so on. I'm not sure if it is equal to the definition of infatuation, nonetheless, i guess i was infatuated.

Perhaps one example is loving some silly piece of music. I remember how it wasn't that silly to me. But now, post-epiphany, after a long time of thinking and after getting in touch with the real world, in touch with reality, i realize that i used to be so shallow.

I may be using the word shallow so loosely here, perhaps because i may still be afraid to admit that i was once or perhaps still am shallow.  Very superficial, not able to connect on a very deep and meaningful level in any aspect albeit relationships and also worldviews.

I remember how i was avidly enthusiastic when encountering people with the same interests as me, i.e in music. I revered myself as being someone who was always against the crowd, never going with the flow, not following with the latest trends. Alternative, so to speak.

Hence, when i meet an individual with the same disposition as me, i tend to think that it was one of those impossible miracles. I start to imagine how we will be the best of friends forever and ever just because we have the same taste in i.e. music.

But then, things never lasts. Especially things that are built upon very superficial tendencies and beliefs. I like to believe it does, or perhaps there is some piece of me still wanting to believe that it does, but in reality it does not. Things change, people change, circumstances differ and tend to expect us to adapt to it.

Just like when i used to hate eating vegetables, i love eating them now. Or when i used to love social gatherings and meeting many people whilst making new friends, now i just prefer having little get togethers wih close friends and family. Take a picnic, go to the community park, hang out with my nephew and nieces, a thing that i never imagined i would love doing back in those days. The same can be said in music, hobbies, food, games, activities,  preferences, any of them can change without even you realizing it happening.

Things that used to matter to you when you were a kid, doesn't seem to matter to you now, now that you are an adult ( or striving to be one).

So it would seem to me now that all of those things seem to be shallow minded things. They don't have that much value to me than they used to. And in the end they should not have been that valuable.

In perspective, the life of this world, is just like that. Shallow. Or in other words, expendable, inessential, non-recyclabe, invaluable and so on. Because in the end, it wouldn't matter. In the end, in the journey to the eternal, it'd be a thing of the past, something that you can't take to your grave or the hereafter. Everything will turn to oblivion.

All that would matter is how you live the life that was given to you, not what you had in your life that was worth something in the eyes of the world.This life is just a mere illusion, that can both be the cause of your destruction or your salvation. Depends on what you do with it, i guess.

Thus, change is inevitable. Change can sometimes be good, or perhaps bad if we make it out to do so. And we need to accept change. We need to learn to change, or we would not be able to adapt to the future, to our own future.

Something Lucien, a librarian of the Dreaming, remarks of Morpheus of the Endless

"Charitably... I think... sometimes, perhaps, one must change or die. And in the end, there were, perhaps, limits to how much he could let himself change."