No point of origin.

It's not that i have just noticed this. But its time, i think that i should stop putting a blind eye about it. Trying to ignore what i am feeling, ends up making me feel nothing. Numbness. Although that is a feeling in its own right.

I feel like everything, or the world to be exact, does not revolve around me, and that is hard to accept and live by. Something huge has happened to me in the past two years, lifestyles changes from living permanently in one place to becoming a nomad; age increase but the way of thinking, maturity, is still at a halt; and a friend, nearly forgotten.

That is what bugs me. What made me feel bad and guilt and ashamed. When my friend went away, i was the only one, i felt, sad. Other people around me, some were sad, but others, the people, the masses in general, they were living their lives as if noting huge has happened. As if any tragedy happened to me didn't matter to them. And yes, it did not matter to them. And that is what bugs me.

Here i was, having a breakdown, in the room all alone crying out loud in my mind, while other people just went on with their lives, most of them not even having a clue as to who went away or why did that person went away. It was written in the newspaper, but it was in a small column, as if it did not have any importance at all.Other stories, more juicier, more unimportant to me, got the big spread, the front page while a phase in my life, acted as an incident that was to fill an empty space in the media. A slot that at that time had no other occupant.

And i don't know why now, it has resurfaced, the feeling of dread and miss, has come back to haunt me in short periods of times in small intervals.

Perhaps, i feel that important things are happening in my life right now that have no importance to the human kind in general. We've been living a lie thinking that we are the vortex, of the universe, sucking everyone in our big meaningless life, making us feel that we are the center of the hole, center of the universe. We, i especially, was just way in over my head. I was kidding myself thinking that i mattered. But no. Somewhere on the other side of the world, some kid is starving due to a war that leads to nowhere, does not revolve around the idea of me given a choice to make. An opportunity to take.

The reason i've been trying to keep it a secret was that i don't want to jinx it. But that's just superstition. A belief that is not valid. I actually, in reality, wanted to shout out loud, scream to the whole world of my decision, after seriously consulting various people. But i thought it through, feeling like other people would perceive me as someone who wants to show off, like he is as important as them in their own lives. Who was i kidding myself. I am not.

I was really afraid of getting high hopes and  then getting let down. Because i have been there, i know and remember how it feels. It feels horrible and i pray that one day i will never feel that way again.

Even if i am no more, life goes on. People move on. They cannot stay at one emotional point in their life for the rest of it. And at one point, i am no longer the person who laughed beside them, who went through thick and thin, tall or small, with them from start to the middle. Because, in the end, i was not there to share the glory, bask in the victory with them, i had my own ending, somewhere else, with some other individuals.

I just wish you well. I just want to wish you better than that, if i could, but i think i am going to need it more. Because in the end, the center of the universe in your life, is you, not anyone else.