It's not that just lately i've thought about it or that it has emerged in my head due to recent events, although perhaps that i have likely pondered on the notion dating a few years back, but maybe only recently save for some incidences or lack thereof, the thinking or the pondering is exacerbated to an extent i myself am unaware of.
I remember during my teenage years in high school where i have contemplated on the matter and discussed it with myself further and did some personal reading for educational and individual gain. Although there was no conclusion on me diagnosing myself, but at least i accumulated knowlegde albeit a little amount of it.
Now, as i grow older and as the experience expands and increase in both quality and quantity, i realize that i have come full circle in the sense that i am at the same point i was during those years where i felt like i should be clinically diagnosed.
Mind you, that for the first time in my life, all i have ever wanted to experience was the moment where i get to meet the expert on the matter personally. Oh how so many times i have pictured myself how it will it go, who will i meet, what would we have been disussing and so on and so forth. Until the real second that i obtained the opportunity to actually reliving that wish, it didin't go how i imagined it in my head. Truthfully, i didn't know how it was supposed to go nor wanted it to go the way i expected it to.
During that session, the matter came to mind by being brought up by the person.
Now when i do think about it, i am having difficulties in studies, social and personal activities. I see now that I have lost some interest in routine activites where i used to enjoy doing. In addition to losing motivation in my studies and pursuing to further my education and also i have lost enthusiasm in social situations and find myself enjoying the company of my own.
Suicidal thinking have been a consistent but not constant way of passing the time, but to be fair, i have been like that since 2008 and the proof can be seen by reading my past entries. I don't know if i enjoy that type of thinking, but i have grown a liking to it eventhough it does scare me sometimes.
The problem of the matter is, even if all this is true, being that i am in the state of depression clinically, what can i do? Do i really need the acknowledgment of other people save for the opinions of experts, but even if that can be clinically proven, it's just another way of me wanting some attention, which i believe that to be true about me especially when i do crave for the diagnosis of said disorder.
In the end, i think that all this is just an excuse, i am just looking for an excuse instead of admitting that i am not perfect and incapable of doing everything and that people have better lives than me.