Hiatus?

I believe i know my self personally- since i am me.

No one else can be you- they might try, they might emulate, they might come close, but they cannot even replace. Even if you feel as worthless as you've never been, you're still irreplaceable- your (un)worthiness is one of a kind.

As far as i can remember, i think i've never used the word "hiatus" in my vocabulary (perhaps i forget), never even fathom to act like i need an escape from the daily musings of work and busy schedule. In truth, it's not that i need an escape from all that. Perhaps it's that i actually am not happy with my life to begin with so much so that i need an escape from it.

Why would i need a hiatus, a pause from life, a detour from the journey of life on my way forward, take a breather and stop to think? I think and believe that that is itself a warning saying that there is something actually wrong with the current direction i am heading in my own life. Am i really going the right way?

 It's been a long time since i have written a post on this blog. It used to be a hobby, used to be for merrymaking, a medium to channel my emotions, a therapeutic way for me to experience and make sense of my thought processes and perceptions. To take what i have in my head and put it to black and white, make it real, make it existential, as solid and concrete as the buttons on the keyboard i am tapping as of right now.

Sometimes i do visit this blog time and again, reading back all these inner monologues and seeing them through very different glasses than the glasses which i used to use during those times. Time sure changes or it doesn't, depending on your flexibility to adapt and mould and grow. Am i willing to grow or will i just hold on to very rigid views from now and forever?

And right now, i have just lost my train of thought, i was not so sure what i was going to write about, all i knew was that it has been a long time, and i am possibly very different than the me i used to be a few years ago. i have grown, or i may have not, but either way, i guess i am not the same anymore. I don't know what is left of me, what is supposed to be me, what is the very definition of me or is it ever changing and requires updated versions every year or so and revision editions. All i know,

at this moment, at this point in my life, this is me:

Consideration

I try to adjust myself, to become a better person, an individual who cares, even of the strangers, who just gives and gives without expecting compensation other than the love and the mercy of my creator. 

But perhaps i haven't tried enough, perhaps i easily succumb to my habits, bad habits, my nafs, my deepest urges that are unnatural or perhaps not coinciding with the characters of a believer.

Sometimes i do feel bad, but that feeling goes away, unless i tend to think it over and over and contemplate on the issue at hand. 

Take this picture for example, it hurts my heart, makes me sad, feel bad that i am granted a good life, with all my rantings and complaints, i forget that i am those who are gifted, who are considered lucky, i get to live a life in this temporary world, at least by this life definition, a life of comfort. I seldom view other peoples misfortunes or at least less fortunate than me, and empathize and sympathize and at least do something for them. 

I forget that what i am trying to be, right now in this career path, in this direction, in medicine, to devote a long life to the health of other people, requires me to do better, learn a lot, and become better. And thus i feel bad for always staying lazy, procrastinating, and not doing better. I lack the determination and perseverence to strive and achieve the best. I lack direction and motivation, as i have always been.

But people may ask, what does the girl in the picture have to do with me? Who am i to her, she is just some other person across the world in another continent, another country, another city, with no relation whatsoever with me. 

Hence i answer with a question, what do we all have in common in this world, are we to live forever, are we not connected by one way or another, do we not see the relations? 

Pray i get to be someone useful in the community, for the people, any people who i am able to help. Allahu muqalibal qullub thabbit qalbi ala deenik. 

Roda salah

Mengimbau kembali tahun yang lalu, semakin meningkat umur, semakin aku cuba menahan diri dari berbuat dan mengeluarkan kenyataan yang melampau. Malah semakin tua, semakin aku mula berasa takut untuk berbuat kesalahan dan terlihat bodoh di mata sekeliling, apatah lagi di dalam profesi seperti ini.

Aku sedar terdapat sesuatu yang tidak kena dalam profesi ini, sesuatu yang tidak selari dengan hakikatnya sendiri, di mana pada satu sisi dia kontradiksi dengan sisinya yang lain, tidak cocok. Pada satu sisi, kita harus menjadi seorang yang rendah diri dan tidak egotistikal (baca: asshole) sedangkan pada sisi yang lain, kita harus ada sikap professionalisme, sikap menjaga batas antara kita dan yang lain, sikap menjaga imej.

Aku pernah ditegur kerana tidak menjaga imej tersebut, untungnya aku ditegur dengan baik. Namun begitu, aku sering diingatkan oleh orang-orang yang bekerja disekelilingku supaya jangan sombong. Maka dimana titik batasnya? Di mana aku harus bermula dan di mana harus aku berhenti?

Hatta dengan itu aku sedar, hidup ini tidak semuanya hitam dan putih sahaja. Ada yang bersifat kelabu seperti samar dan tak jelas. Dalam kehidupan seharian, tergantung kepada akulah untuk menggunakan akal aku sebaiknya untuk menilai sebaiknya di mana batasnya.

Tetapi sebenarnya, bukan itu yang ingin aku ceritakan, ia hanyalah sebagai pembuka cerita (baca: appetizer).

Memang benar yang sering dikatakan orang, hidup seperti roda, kadang kita dapat merasa bagaimana indahnya berada di atas roda, dan kadang pada waktu lain kita dapat merasa perihnya berada dibawah. Kadang seperti putaran, kita berakhir di suatu titik dimana ia seakan sama sahaja dengan waktu lalu yang pernah kita lalui, persis sama, mungkin cuma beza pada beberapa faktor saja.

Dan kini, aku berasa seperti aku berputar kembali 360 derajat, setelah apa yang aku lalui, kini seolah-olah aku kembali di titik yang sama waktu aku di sekolah dahulu. Zaman dimana aku sudah berjanji pada diri aku sendiri untuk tidak ulangi, hanya untuk dikenangi. Meskipun suatu zaman yang paling aku rindui, kalau aku muhasabah juga, dipenuhi juga dengan keburukan dan kesalahan yang tidak mahu aku ulangi.

Dosa-dosa yang telah aku lakukan, belum cukup waktu aku tebusi, apatah lagi kalau aku tambah lagi dengan dosa-dosa sekarang pada waktu aku berumur ini. Zaman yang lalu yang dipenuhi dengan kebodohan aku, ketidakmatangan aku, sudah cuba aku lupakan dan jadikan sebagai iktibar, namun sekarang, aku mula merasa seperti aku kembali kepadanya lagi.

Aku berharap, ia hanyalah satu fasa, disebabkan oleh pemboleh ubah yang tergantung pada titik waktu dan posisi aku sekarang.

Sungguhpun aku tidak mahu ulangi dosa-dosa aku yang lalu, aku tetap rindukan masa lalu bersama teman, bersama keluarga, dan sepertinya aku dapat menjangka masa depanku. Dalam erti kata keadaannya seperti apa, apakah aku akan dapat bersama teman dan keluarga (kerana itu yang penting buat aku) ataupun sebaliknya. Dan apa yang aku jangka, adalah sesuatu yang pesismistik.

Aku harap aku salah.