Heavily sedated.

To wish to be terminally ill is my deepest and darkest secret.

I know it sounds weird and perhaps sadistic but i do often wish i am a terminally patient and i have aneurysm or perhaps leukemia. Even i'm scared at the thought of mentioning the diseases but sometimes. mostly when i feel bored, i wish i had them.

I wish i was a terminally ill patient so that at last i will come to grips of reality and life. Finally i would start living my life fully. I have a reason to live my life at the fullest because right now, i have no reason. Even the thought of dying is something that amuses me. I feel like the process of dying is a fun(okay perhaps not fun but agreeable) process where i will undergo different stages.

Like the book by Mitch Albom- The five people you meet in heaven, i haven't read the book but i have a feeling it is about the five people you meet in heaven. It is about the process that is fun.Haven't you ever heard of the expression that happiness isn't a destination, it is a journey. Something like that.

Anyways, being terminally ill forces you to have fun. Makes you do things you never had the courage to do. Like doing all the things you wanted but never getting around to do it or maybe never had the chance. Well having a disease that gives you a small ample time to stay in this world makes you see this world in a whole new perspective. Seeing the world through a different angle. And perhaps only then will you achieve true happiness.

Either that or you have found the love of your life. True love.

But i don't believe in true love. I just believe in imagination. And right now i am having a serious headache and i am guessing it could probably be an aneurysm. I took a panadol just to stop the pain.

I guess i'm not ready to die.