Saying goodbye.

Nobody was ever good at goodbyes. Nor nobody will ever be. Saying goodbye, really meaning it, it means that perhaps, maybe, you will meet again. But deep down you know that it is not going to happen. You give yourself a false hope saying that anything is possible and you believe that false hope. Eventhough somewhere inside you, you know that it is just a lie to help you cope.

I have never been at goodbyes and so long as i can avoid it, i will. Heck i'll even slow it down if i can but sometimes it is not in my power to do so. Sometimes there are other things like REASONS that even i cannot put a stop to.

It's not because i don't want to let that person go. No. It's because that saying goodbye means it is the end. For me it is. And that's just half of it. Even after the person has left, i will not even say goodbye. They would call me up to say goodbye and i would press the red button, and put the phone to silence mode so i wouldn't hear the ringing.

I know i had already said goodbye but i have never really meant it. I mean really mean what i say. Like how you say "you're great" in response to someone being great at something although inside you're just saying "he/she's alright". That's how i say goodbye.

And sometimes i wish that one day i could really mean it. Saying goodbye like there will be no tomorrow. Saying goodbye like you're not going to see each other anymore but sharing that goodbye and make it last forever. Make it eternal. Make that memory immortal. But i just can't. I'm a wuss, always have been and always will be. Since i was in standard six i guess i was like this. Like how i would avoid confrontation with people that i have conflict with. Like how i would lie and say i like you but actually in reality i can't even stand the sight of you. Like how i would run away and stay in my room and lock the door shut and lay on my bed contemplating my life, remembering all the memories we had, all the fun, all the sad, all the bad, all the plans.

So you see, oh Mr. Blogger, don't ask me to say goodbye because i do not want to say goodbye to the memories. Then all that is left is nothing. Nothing is something, i know, but something is not enough. Never enough for my big and deep abyss of nothingness.

A tribute to a great friend,

and also to a someone that makes me "feel a great sadness",


The bagpipes never sounded so beautiful-Azuan.