Looking for some inspiration.

I think i am going to have a break down.

Where did my sincerity went?

It's kind of difficult to write when you're feeling down and depressed and there is a sense of doom and ultimatum hanging above your head everytime you think of having fun.

Maybe it's just some substitution.

Trying to make someone become a substitute of some other person is never going to work. Even if, especially when they look alike.

They may seem the same on the outside, but they will never be the same on the inside.

And i guess i'm whipped about this someone is because this someone reminds me of a certain individual i miss the most. I've never quite felt something like this. And thus makes me happy. I am glad that at least i know who is worthy for me. Worth it. Worth my feelings and emotions and sincerity.

Admiration and inspiration.

Flattered.

Ok, the story goes like this.

I had English class, so i was waiting with my classmates outside the Language Room for my English Lecturer's previous class to finish.

While waiting, a female English lecturer was passing by and when she noticed me leaning on the wall, came up to me and said that i got "fans".

Not understanding what she meant, i made a questionable face. She read my body language and explained that there was someone in another class(she didn't state it was from her class) that bought a Cd because i was in that Cd.

For your information, a few weeks before this me and my class entered a Jazz Chant competition and went against other practicums. We managed to get into the finals and during the finals, we were recorded. In that Cd was a video of all the teams who performed in the finals, including me and my class.

So, what i want to say is i am flattered and surprised. And thankful. If only i am going to get profit out of this, it would be a lot better.

As always.

When the season for exams has arrived, i haven't. What i mean by this is that the feeling to study has not yet kicked in.

And what i am feeling right now is that i am flushed and out of energy and enthusiasm. I think i have used up all of my enthusiasm and spirit for the fist final test. And now i need time to recharge and i don't know how long i will take.

What i am hoping for is that it will be soon enough, i guess. Let's hope.

New addiction.

A little piece of heaven.

Right now everybody is like "Gosh, we have only two weeks to get ready for the finals", "i haven't started anything, two weeks, oh my gosh!".

Well pretty much like that. But to me I'm going like:

"I have five weeks here, after that God knows what will happen to us all. We might not even see each other again. Hell we might even forget each other till we've reached old age,until the day that we needed to be reminded of where we came from and how we met. So i should make the most of these motherfucking five weeks left, because that is what is important to me. Saving as much memories i can to the point that my head bleeds. But that's alright because i now that when i am old and i won't remember as much as i want to, but my heart remembers. My feelings tell me that something amazing came out of being here, in this God-forsaken place. All in all, it wasn't that bad as i expected it to be. I made new friends and reconnected with old ones as well. It was very lonely at first. But in the end, we end up lonely too. But that's okay, because somewhere in the middle, that is where we all met and in some other overlappings of circle of lives, we will meet somewhere in the middle of that circle and perhaps we will stay there. I hope we will from now on."

Wow i haven't written like that since a few moths ago. It has been a long time since i wrote from the heart. Well it's about time don't you think? Life here is about to end, but the memories will linger on till the time rots and decompose to dust. And even after that, i believe that those memories will still stay alive.

I remember the first day here like it was just yesterday. I was glad that i got the opportunity to come here and start over anew. I will be forever grateful and thankful. If i had the chance to go back in time and relive my life over, i wouldn't want to change a thing. I like the things they are now and perhaps this is the way they are supposed to be. Perhaps it will get better after this. Let's hope, together eh.

No Comment.

Kawan: Wan, kau ni aku tengok bila dengan orang lelaki ke perempuan ke, sopan je. Tapi bila kau dalam bilik, ya Allah, seluar pendek dengan singlet lagi.


Like i said. No comment.

I am not that vain.

Sejak kebelakangan ni ramai orang selalu mintak maaf kat aku sejurus mereka buat lawak yang ditujukan kepada aku. dengan terkejutnya aku terpaksa cakap yang aku tidak ada berdendam sekalipun. Cuma berdendam nak balas balik sahaj. Tetapi tidaklah berdendam kerana kecil hati atau sakit hati. Sesunguhnya tidak.

Aku cuma hairan. Adakah muka aku ni muka yang selalu kecil hati atau terasa atau yang selalu makan dalam? Sebab aku tak tahu pula muka aku sebegitu. aku tak selalu pun tengok cermin.

I am not that vain. Restatement of main point.

I feel like crying.

Eminem- When I'm gone

The face of mystery.

"I like sharpening pencils."

The collapse of a star.

A star is a sun and our sun is a star. The sun is the ultimate source of energy. We obtain all of the energy from it and without it we are doomed.

Lately i have been trying to bring back the sunshine but it seems that the sun no longer shines on me.

Somebody show me how to feel.

As a due warning to those who might feel a stingy sensation in their four chambers of the heart after reading this, i would like to say sorry if it is partly caused by my writing these things which i am about to tell.

Honestly speaking, i seriously do not know how love feels like. In the metaphorical sense and physical sense of the word. This time i am not talking about any kind of love other than friendship. Yeah i know, even i feel cheesy just saying that word. Friendship.

But what i am trying to say here is that i don't feel love towards my friends. I'm not saying that i don't love my friends and i am definitely not saying that my friends don't love me. But then again, perhaps that is what i am saying.

But what i really mean is, how do you know you love your friends? I mean reaaally?

Because I don't text my friends regularly, i don't call them period. Even if they called me i wouldn't be entertaining them so much because of having nothing to say. I will just ask questions that would seem personal but in truth they are not. I am a great liar. To me and to others around me. So when does the feeling "I love my friends to bits" come in? What does it feel like? Is it some tingling sensation at the tips of your fingers? Or is it the laughter that still hasn't gone away after you laughed until you wet your pants?

How am i to know that my friends love me back? How am i supposed to know they miss me as much as i miss them? What kind of friendship is this if it was built on questions that are never answered?

I guess a large part of this problem is my fault too. I don't say i love them and i miss them as much as i would want to. I admit that i am not that "love schmove" kind of guy. But deep down inside, i'm all gooey and jelly to the core.

My motive of bringing this issue up? I miss my friends dearly, and now i think i feel the love. ca't you?

Too cute for my shirt.

Somebody complimented that i am good-looking today.

First and foremost let me say that i am in no way feeling proud of what is said about me. But you have to admit that if people say good things about you, you have to be happy for yourself. It's a great confidence booster, is it not?

Secondly, actually my feelings differ from that person who said that i was good-looking. I am in no way good-looking nor handsome. Truly i don't feel that i am the latter. That is why it is an issue for me, personally. I'm not saying that i have low self-esteem and am humble. I hate my own ego and i actually have confidence. That saying i am absolutely confident that i am not handsome but actually just plain cute.

But cute won't cut it in the real world. Cute won't get you anywhere.