Take that.

Bangga kot.

There's gotta be more to life...

than this. There must be.

Sebab-musabab.

Baiklah, pertama sekali saya ingin jelaskan apa sebabnya saya bertukar bahasa. Kamu pun mestilah sudah perasan bahawa sekarang ini saya menggunakan bahasa ibunda kan sebagai bahasa pengantaraan saya dalam blog ini. Saya tahu kamu tidak tertanya-tanya, tetapi untuk memuaskan nafsu dan ego saya yang fikir saya ini ada peminat(*batuk kuat-kuat sampai berdarah), saya ingin jelaskan sebab saya menggunakan bahasa Melayu.

SPM. terima kasih.

Tetapi ini tidak bermakna saya tidak akan gunakan bahasa kegemaran saya, English, oh tidak. Apabila saya tidak tahu sesuatu perkataan bahasa melayu, mungkin saya akan gunakan termnya dalam English.

Kedua, sebab saya senyap pada masa ini, sebenarnya banyak sebab. Dan sebenarnya bukan senyap ataupun sudah lama tidak online walhal banyak entri yang sudah saya mulakan, tetapi memandangkan saya ini seorang yang procrastinator, saya tidak dapat siapkan post tersebut lantaran jadilah draft. Sebabnya adalah berikut:

SPM. terima kasih.

Tetapi ini tidak bermakna saya tiada idea atau buah fikiran, oh tidak, cuma saya tak sempat(kononnya) untuk menyiapkan entri yang sudah menjadi draft.

Ketiga, sebab saya bagai tidak online di myspace adalah kerana banyak sebab. Baiklah, saya tipu, sebabnya dua sahaja. Sebab pertamanya kamu boleh merujuk kepada sebab-sebab di atas. Sebab keduanya, adalah kerana benda alah bawah ini:

Official.

Secara rasminya saya tidak tahu apa yang hendak saya tulis.

Nak kata saya masih sakit hati dan kecil hati pada rakan-rakan lain, semua itu sudah lepas dan sudah saya melupakannya.

Nak kata saya bosan dengan hidup, memang pun tetapi saya percaya hidup akan bertambah lagi bosan atau sebaliknya selepas SPM.

Nak kata saya mahu bunuh diri, betul, tetapi saya akan mendapat dosa besar dan saya tak nak dosa besar. Jadi katakan tidak kepada bunuh diri, tetapi ya kepada dadah, rokok, arak, seks rambang dan lain-lain.

Nak kata saya malas belajar, sudah 11 tahun saya belajar secara formal, dan bertahun-tahun saya belajar secara tidak formal. Jadi tiada apa yang akan menjadi halangan kepada saya daripada belajar kerana setiap hari kita belajar sama ada kita mahu ataupun tidak.

Nak kata saya rindu segalanya walaupun belum tepat pada masanya untuk rindu, memang pun. Saya ini kira lebih sensitif dari perempuan yang sensitif. Kalau dibandingkan dengan isteri yang sedang mengandung dan beremosional kerana hormonnya yang memang out of balance, saya lagi sensitif. Tetapi saya tak bangga pun sebab susah hidup kalau sensitif teramat, kan.

Nak kata susah nak senang dan senang nak susah, saya setuju. Saya percaya kamu semua pun setuju, kan. Kalau tak tuh, kamu bodoh rupanya.

Nak kata apa lagi, sudah tiada apa nak dan boleh dikata sekarang. Sekarang inilah masanya untuk bertindak, bukan berfikir dan berbual. This is the time to act not lounge around and still think there's time. Tetapi itulah masalahnya, saya bodoh kerana tak bertindak tetapi pandai kerana sedar sekarang masanya untuk bertindak. What does that make me?

Bodoh pandai lah.

Kalau lah hidup aku ini macam The O.C kan best. Tak payah aku risau pasal periksa, keluarga, kawan-kawan, dan dunia.

Hidup dipenuhi drama sahaja. Lagi best.

OMG! STFU! WTF!

Oh my god i got tagged. By her. My name is the last one on her tag list. Hahaha.

Actually i was bored so i wanted to do this thing.

Adeen.
I am a very phobic person. I am afraid of loads of things like being in an elevator, consuming prescription medicine especially the pills, when the whole neighbourhood has blacked out, and the vast infinite limitless space devoured by water that is the dark and deep ocean. I also have more phobias but i won't tell them since i am a man now.

Dva.
If you noticed, mostly and usually all of my comments, messages, testimonials and so on oftenly starts with a laugh. For example,

Person A: What's your name?
Me: Hahaha, Awan.
Person A: Age please?
Me: Haha, emm 17.
Person A: Sex?
Me: Haha, yes please!

This"start a laugh in every sentence" gag only happens in comments, messages, testimonials and so on. Not in real life.

Tri.
I hate roadtrips. I could list a million things why i hate them but i have no time so i'll just write the following:

• I don't know what to bring
• I get bored in the car
• The car is cramped
• When i feel like going to the loo, it's just inconvenient
• The R&R that we stop at are unhygienic
• No fcuking good music on the radio
• I get nausea and feel like throwing up
• My parents will talk and talk and i listen to their boring gossip

Well there's more but whatever.

Chityre.
I am a very antisocial, very introverted, very shy person. Though most of the time you see me as an extroverted and sort of very social kind of person but actually i am not. I like to be alone, mostly. I like to think rather than talk. I hate huge groups and prefer to be in the company of at most three people. I love to watch people's behaviour rather than jumping myself into a large group and being the center of attention.

Pyat.
I also hate big groups or special holidays/occasions. For instance Hari raya, Weddings, Engagements and anything along the line that has me going to a big party where there are lots of people and relatives and where i have to talk and say hello and introduce myself. It's just to much of a burden since i am very introverted and shy.

Shest.
I hate being bored. Really, boredom do kill people. Let me show you how with me as an example. I get bored easily since life is so boring. When i get bored i eat. When i eat i get fat. When i get fat i lose my confidence. When i lose my confidence, people will look down on me. When people will look down on me i have no friends. When i have no friends i feel worthless. When i feel worthless i eat more. When i eat more i become more fatter. When i become the fattest person in the universe who is a lonely friendless worthless fat full of fat, i kill myself. Even if i don't kill myself, which is highly impossible, cancer will or the sheer fat of my body will.

Sem.
I love languages. I really do. But of course my favourite is English but i would love to master Melayu, French, Russian, Japanese,German, Australian and Ireland. If possible.

Vosem.
I love to eat. Who doesn't? You know the saying eat to live not live to eat. Well i say both. We eat to live and sometimes we need to live to eat. What's the harm about that? Ok perhaps the above mentioned death but other than that there's nothing bad about eating, kan?

Devyat.
I am a nerd. I wear a tie and i tuck in my shirt. I play games like Final Fantasy and i read story books. I go online and look for info on many stuff. I don't read newspapers or magazine. I'd love to wear glasses and have braces but i'm to nerd to become a cool nerd. I collect comic books, well Malaysian comic books, not those fancy shmanchy American DC/Marvel comics.

Desyat.
I'm into porn although i've never watched a full length one. True story.

Eleven.
I don't know how to count more than ten in Russian.

Twelve.
I love movies. I love the cinema. But most of all i love popcorn and coke.

Thirteen.
If it smells like poetry i go here for solitude. But if i just don't give a shit anymore i will take refuge here. If i feel like a fashionista i will institute myself at this school. If i feel like George Bush i go here. If i feel like sucking my thumb i go here. And if i feel like being creative i go here.

Fourteen.
I fcuking hate fake people. Identity-less people. People who wants to look and be "cool" or "indie". Copycats. Cheapskates. Gay (as in happy you idiots) people. Overbearing people. Hot-tempered. Smokers. Rempits. And so on.

Fifteen.
I would love to live happily.

I want to tag:
Hazriq
Amirul
Afiqah
and all of those who are in the bloglist. Except those who have already did it of course.

Infinite thanks.

Thank you so much for the kind gestures and the nice and warming wishes. Also a very huge thanks for the cake and the clothes and the love. Thanks to the power of infinity.

Also thank you to Mr. Phoenix for this.

The tell-off.

Here is part one.

"Where have you been?! I was worried sick! You should have been here by six and look at the clock now. It's half past seven!" said mum, her face lit up with anger and her cheeks all pink. Perhaps it is her complexion that makes it easy to detect whether she's blushing or angry, and i always use this to my advantage.

"I'm sorry but i was stuck in traffic" i answered sarcastically.

"What traffic?! You walked home!"

I could see from her face that she was dead serious. Not that i wanted to provoke her any more than i should have but i was tired and in need of a good rest and a hot bath. With depressed enthusiasm i lied and said that i bumped into an old friend and chatted away until i lost track of time. I assured her that it was all involuntarily done.

"An old friend eh? Okay, just as long as you're alright, that's fine by me. Next time try not to forget your curfews. Oh and you're grounded. For two weeks" said she, sternly.

With a grunt i said "Whatever". I'm too antisocial to even be outdoors, the grounded thing will be a piece of cake for me. Quickly i untied my shoelaces and took my red worn out converse sneakers off. It was my first pair of shoes that i bought three years ago and has been my constant companions since. I would wear them everytime i went out for a stroll or just an outdoor activity. Regularly i just wear them without socks because they make my feet all sweaty and uncomfortable.


But perhaps by and bye, when on soft wet green grass, i prefer to be barefooted. It is such a wonderful feeling to feel the grass sliding between your toes, tickle the funny bone out of you. After taking the shoes off i threw them on the floor and got up and i was headed to the stairs until my mother stopped me and inquired whether i'd like to have my dinner heated up in the microwave. My stomach was already rumbling like a rock band, so i said yes.

Then i continued to walk quickly up the stairs and into the heartwarming sensation of the solitude of my room.

"Hmphhh" i sighed with great satisfaction after i jumped myself on my bed, staring into the glow in the dark stickers that had always given me the security i needed when i was a boy who was afraid of the dark. Now they're just regarded as decoration to amuse myself in times of boredom and sometimes when my head is flowing with limitless imagination. Mom always said to peel them off and just paint the whole room. But i resented it and asked for my freedom in decorating my own room.


Then i remember the previous encounter with the foreign lady and concerning about the unusual rock that aroused my attentions. I reached my left hand in my left jeans' pocket and took the rock out. Somehow the rock has a weird effect on me, making me feel drowsy and sleepy.


I can see stars glowing in the ceiling and moons lighting up the room. The universe seems so vast and huge, which in turn condescends me to feel insignificant. Makes me feel small and unimportant. But then i noticed that there is something moving in the sky, moving with great speed. I can see it, it is a large star, or perhaps a meteor, with a distinct green crystal-like glow, speeding through the galaxy leaving a trail of dust and small particles behind. I felt a shiver down my spine, watching the meteor pass above the skies of earth, nearly entering it's atmosphere. Is this a dream? How can i see such an occurrence? Then, out of the blue, after making a distance away from earth, the meteor, in all it's glowing glory, flashed brightly than before and poof, it just vanished. It was just how i witnessed it in the sky this evening, only from a different angle and persona. Everything seemed so dark and cold. Like lifeless. Quiet, an eternal bliss covered the space.

"Strawberry, strawberry. Wake up. Your dinner's getting cold."

The sound of someone familiar entered my ears. I opened my eyes and there she was, the lady with the strawberry lips and short curly blonde hair, lights bouncing off of them. I was shocked.

Come on baby!

83 to go and no time to waste.


Make me taller make me smaller all i wish is to be a sinner.
Give me courage give me power but will you give me a lover.
I want to fly i want to die
I want a lollipop and make you drop
I want a cat and none of that
that can make me go dead.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

You won't admit you love me
and so how am i ever to know
you only tell me
perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

But my perhaps is much more different, i think.

Since the beginning of my high school years i have learnt many things but love is not one of them. I have learnt how to get myself out of sticky-icky situations. I learnt how to charm people. I have learnt how to be alone. But never in my life have i learned how to love or to recognise and acknowledge that love.

Over the past few years, i have the instinct and the intelligence of knowing whether someone has a liking to me or not. I call it talent but what good use a talent if i do not use it to my advantage. Maybe it is because of my innocence or perhaps my kindheartedness. Either one, i have never tried to misused the liking of someone into to do my own bidding.

I also had no talent in accepting and/or replying that likeness to another. I believe in imagination like how i have always said. I don't believe in love at first sight or anything of that matter. Its imagination that makes our lives better. That's another story. What i'm trying to say here is, if a person does like me, i cannot accept that likeness nor can i reply the latter if and only if i do not have the same feelings towards the person. Nor can i say and hint to the person that i do not have the same predisposition towards the person for i have not the courage of breaking someones heart.

Instead i would just rely on my good wits and manners and treat the person with civility and respect. Although i do not think that telling her the truth about my feelings is a respect i should give but nevertheless i am a cowardly lion.

That would still be easy for me.

But staying in the area of the unknown is very disagreeable. I guess i am now feeling what my former admirers are feeling too. Liking someone that cannot or has not accepted and replied the likeness. It is a very sad situation. But then again, there is hope, for i can see the hints and the clues of the same likeness towards me. But it is incumbent of me to forego all my common senses and sweep you away because i have not the most evidential proof. I am the again the cowardly lion.

if only you give me strength and courage to do so. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.