Life is a canvas.

When in doubt, lie on the floor and look for miniskirts.

You know what they say.

For every one person that hates you, there are ten individuals that love you no matter what. Okay i admit it i just made that up, but i am right aren't i? Have i ever been wrong?

Anyways, i found out that i am appreciated, and it feels nice, it feels great. I'd like to thank my friend for that. I know i haven't always been the best of friends, haven't always been nice, moody and a slave to my emotions, but i still love and cherish my friends eventhough my actions say otherwise.

At the end of the day, it's something you have to go with your gut. Did he just made my day(even for just one day) miserable or vice versa? That's what you have to ask yourself.

Hypocrite.

That was me once upon a time ago.

But now i am free of it and i am happy. Can anybody say that with sincerity that their happy with their lives?

I know i can.

Memory lane trip 01.

Aku pernah nyatakan kepada rakan aku suatu ketika dahulu:

"I don't care what other people think of me, but i care what my friends think of me"

Maka dia pun membalas:

"Aren't your friends people too?"

Dan pada ketika itu, sah dia tidak faham maksud yang ingin aku sampaikan.

After years of dreaming and sleeping.

Baru sahaja tadi selesai memandu kereta di jalanraya. Aku agak bangga dengan diri sendiri kerana tidak mudah panik. Cuma aku mudah hilang fokus dan cepat tengok pada pemandangan dan orang-orang yang lalu tepi jalan. Sebab itu aku susah sikit nak memandu kereta. Aku ada ADD. Attention Deficit Disorder. Satu penyakit mental yang aku main-main diagnos pada diri sendiri walhal tak menghidap pun penyakit tu. Aku memerlukan alasan sebenarnya.

Walaubagaimanapun, aku rasa gembira tadi ketika memandu. Dalam kepala tak henti-henti fikir:

"Wah, i'm actually driving on the big road."

Dan aku seringkali terfikir nak nyanyi Out On The Open Road lagu di dalam cerita Goofy Movie. Hoping that everybody would burst ointo song. If only life were a musical.

Anyways, good luck to myself.

A letter from the heart.

Ke hadapan kawan ku,


Tujuan aku tulis surat ini untukmu adalah kerana aku sayang kamu dan aku tidak sanggup lagi, malah dah muak lihat kamu begini, dan perasaan itu lama-lama bertukar menjadi kesian. Maka aku tidak mahu marasa perasaan sebegitu terhadap kawan aku.

Aku lihat kamu masih lagi murung dan tidak segembira yang aku pernah lihat kamu sewaktu dahulukala. Aku tidak tahu lah adakah sebabnya kerana aku atau orang lain. Apa yang aku tahu, aku nak kamu berhenti buat apa yang kini kamu lakukan terhadap diri kamu ini.

Kamu boleh dikatakan seringkali menganggap diri kamu bersalah. You always think you are the one to blame. Walhal kamu tidak besalah dari segi apa-apa pun. Some things are just out of your control and you have to understand that you are just human, you can't plan everything and expect it to go your way. Bak kata pepatah, kita hanya merancang sahaja, yang selebihnya terpulang kepada Allah.

Aku tidak sanggup lagi nak lihat kamu ini menyalahkan diri dan hidup seperti seorang yang tak boleh buat apa-apa betul. Kamu lakukan sesuatu half-heartedly sebab kamu rasa tak betul apa kamu buat. Kamu kena yakin dengan diri sendiri, kamu kena belajar percaya pada diri sendiri dan belajar mempertahankan diri apabila orang lain tak boleh pertahankan kamu. You have to stand up and fight for yourself if i can't eventhough i always want to be your protector. But some things, you have to do on your own, and i can't interfere in those situations.

Jadi, sebagai kata-kata akhir, ingatlah pesanan saya, sahutlah cabaran saya, dengarlah nasihat saya. Jangan teruskan menyalahkan diri sendiri atas benda-benda kecil yang kamu rasa salah. Kamu kena berhenti daripada merosakkan diri sendiri dari segi emosi, rohani dan jiwa.

I beg of you. Just stop. It hurts me seeing you so.

Perkara paling lawak bagi aku hari ini.

Situasi : Lelaki A bertanyakan Lelaki b yang merupakan kawan kepada kawan Lelaki A. Maka pada pertemuan pertama mereka(dan harap-harap mungkin bukannya yang terakhir juga) bermula kisah lawak ini.

Lelaki A: Kau belajar mana? Dengan (isi nama mutual friend mereka) ke?

Lelaki B: I'm sorry i don't speak malay.

Senyap seketika.

HAHHAHAHAHHAHAH kelakar shial.

Chillax la bro.

Minta maaf lah. Aku selalu sakit hati dan berperasaan amarah pasal benda-benda trivial.

Dan aku kadang-kadang rasa sopan guna kata nama "Aku" dan kadang-kadang rasa sopan guna kata nama "Saya".

Suka-faking-hatilah.

Do your homework.

Tadi aku baru sahaja selesai tonton satu program di Ria di mana seorang jurugambar pergi ke suatu pulau ke pantai ke whatever, untuk bercuti dan sambil itu menangkap pelbagai jenis gambar dari atas darat sehinggalah di dalam lautan.

Apa yang menjengkelkan saya adalah dia cakap pasal fotografi macam dia sahaja yang minat fotografi ni. Macam dia sahaja lah yang ada gear dan equipment untuk ambil gambar bawah laut.

Kemudian apa yang lagi membuatkan saya panas membara, adalah apabila dia menceritakan bahawa di gembira dapat tangkap gambar haiwan akuatik seperti ala-ala berikut:

"saya gembira lah dan terima kasih kepada penaja kerana beri saya peluang untuk ambil gambar penyu, ikan , coral, ikan, ikan(sementara kat skrin tunjuklah wajah-wajah hidupan dalam laut itu)"

Yang buat saya amarah dan sakit hati adalah dia tak mengambil tahu ataupun dia tidak membuat reasearch dengan sepenuhnya. Kata je suka ambil gambar, kalau ya pun suka ambil gambar, kena lah ambil tahu serba mendalam juga pasal benda/hidupan yang akan menjadi subjek gambar tersebut. Ini setakat ambil gambar tapi tak tahu langsung apa-apa baik tak payah lah beb.

Tapi mungkin aku bersikat over-emosional sedikit. Ada lah juga dia sebut nama beberapa jenis ikan, tapi sedikit je. Itu yang buat darah aku naik tangga.

Dan apa yang buat aku paling sakit hati dan cemburu adalah dia mempunyai kamera DSLR dan juga equipment yang serba canggih.

Bilalah impian aku nak tercapai kan? Sekadar angan-angan sahaja.

There's nothing to it.

Why am i still afraid of this?

Nothing bad is going to happen, heck only good things will come out of it. But still, even knowing that i still am afraid of it. It is my true weakness. Or perhaps i never felt any sort of kinship with them, sometimes i feel like an outsider, like an alien, like someone who just doesn't belong in a picture.

But they are good people. They all miss me, just like i miss them. But somehow i cannot click.

It's like i can't turn on.

Turn me on dammnit. Ahahahah that came out wrong eventhough it's right.

One side of a box.

"Suka-fucking-hati aku lah."

It just gets on my nerves.

Aku tahu lah itu cara kau nak ingati aku, atau cara kau nak mendekati aku, atau cara nak berbaik dengan aku atau apa-apa cara yang sesuai lah, namun aku tidak berapa suka lah dengan cara kau itu. Bukannya cara kau itu tidak baik atau tidak senonoh, cuma agak menjengkelkan aku, dan menyemakkan sahaja.

Tetapi jangan terasalah sangat. Aku ini neat freak. Aku perlu berada dalam situasi atau tempat yang neat atau organised.

Ok, aku boleh dengar kat belakang tu ada orang gelak bila aku cakap aku neat freak sebab sesiapa yang pernah tengok bilik aku atau ruang meja aku belajar memang tidak nampak sekemas yang disangka. Tetapi, aku tak kata pun aku ni seorang yang kemas. Aku ini neat freak berdasarkan standard aku.

Apa yang aku maksdukan adalah, bagi aku, sekurang-kurangnya aku tahu kat mana aku simpan pensel, kat mana aku simpan sharpener semua itu. Itu neat bagi aku, dan organized. Dan itu yang aku suka.

itu adalah perfecatamundo!

Where would i be if i don't have my voice.

I just feel like bursting into song right now after watching Glee episode 19 where they sing Dream A little Dream Of Me. That song just gives me a nostalgic feeling, which i like. It made me tear for a moment. It's been a long time since i've cried to anything. I know this sounds lame, but i miss crying.

And i still want to burst into singing, problem is i don't have a very good voice. If i sing, glasses break, walls crumble, earth shakes, storms brew.

And my inner voice can be so satisfying and loud to some degree only.

Common differences.

Listening to Joshua Radin made me think of my friends and of how none of them share my love for music and other interests the same way i do.

Only a very few of them do have the same interests as me but still not at the same depth and level i am on.

But i am content and happy with that, and i believe so are my friends.

The only common interest we share on the same level are our differences.

Stay out of my mind for once.

I need to stop flattering myself. I need to throw away these feelings like everybody is out to get me one way or another.

The sooner I realize that I am just nobody, the easier it will be.

Enough with all the lies to sugarcoat the truth. Enough with making a shadow the real thing and vice versa.

Stop being a narcissistic fool who is self-centered and only thinks of one's own pleasures.

Most of the time i feel like i do selfless acts for selfish reasons.

Let's pour our hearts out.

Close your eyes and imagine your heart is filled with whatever you want it to be filled. In my case, filled with chocolate. Now, imagine your heart is a jug or a bowl- whichsoever you want it to be- that is filled with the filling of your choice.

Now imagine there are other cups around you and there are guests waiting to be quenched of their thirst of cravings. So what do you do?

You pour your heart out. That's what you do. Quench the thirst. Give them the fix they needed. Stuff them up.

That was just a warm up. Now all you have to do is find someone that have cravings, in my case, someone who wants chocolates.

Two for company, three's a crowd.

I just had a moment of clarity just now and i really need to just write it down.

So i realized that i am uncomfortable in large crowds. Although i am able to make friends with lots of sorts of people from all walks of life, i just can't be in a large group at one given time.

Most easiest example, i hate it when i go out with friends, and in that party, consists of up to ten people. Eventhough i am acquainted with all of them and i know each and every one of them personally, i still feel uncomfortable.

Perhaps it's because that i can't make time to spend it with each and every one and i will end up hanging out or sticking to one person whom i feel most closest to or easiest to hang out with. IT's the survival of the fittest for me when that happens.

I guess ever since i was little, i have been used to spending time and having fun with a close knitted group of people. I prefer going out and spending time with up to five people but usually i am with 3. 3 is a very safe number for your information.

3 means perfect, completeness. It could be represented as past, present, future. It could also be represented as front, middle and back, whatever that means.

But if the situation begs me to have many people gathering to get together, then who am i to deny it the happiness it longs. Sometimes, that's why i don't like reunions, especially when people who i don't actually like but pretend to like will be attending because i hate to act nice and friendly when i am not in the mood. It's too hypocritical.

What a stupid realization. I thought i found a cure for cancer. I guess i did.

Love hurts no more.

It seems that i bear no more grudge, i keep no hard feelings, i have no regrets and anger in me anymore.

It used to be me and my jealousy. Me accompanied by envy.

I am now officially free of all the restraints that have been holding me back. I feel so good, i feel bliss.

I am now currently living a steady happy life. Not great but happy and good. And that is enough for me, for now.

I am thankful for what is given to me and appreciate the people around me.

An infinite gratitude.

Syukur alhamdulillah. Itu yang patut aku rasa sebetul-betulnya.

Sejak kawan aku mengingatkan aku bahawa keputusan peperiksaan sudah mendekati kita, aku masih lagi tiada apa-apa perasaan.

Tadi pun sewaktu aku mendapat mesej daripada rakan mengenai cara-cara untuk semak keputusan, aku masih tiada perasaan.

Dan kini aku sudah semak keputusan, aku masih lagi tiada apa-apa perasaan. Tetapi aku rasa aku patut bersyukur dulu, walauapapun. Syukur itu penting.

Yakni, aku bersyukurlah. Alhamdulillah.

How can a big fan of Michael Buble, have not listened to his music in a few months, perhaps a year, and have no desire to listen to his music in the coming future admit and proudly say he is a die hard fan?

I guess it's not wrong.

I miss less and less everyday. Moments when i keep looking back at those photos of us have been deteriorating.

I think it is not wrong to move on. I believe it is not wrong to miss someone less and less each day. it doesn't mean that i don't love them. Just makes it harder to think about them when they are not with you.

Moving on now.

Random memories tied to current behaviours.

Masa aku kecil, aku suka curi-curi pakai mak aku punya mekap lepas tu mekap muka aku buat macam muka badut.



Kini, aku tak suka mekap, malah menyampah orang mekap tebal. Dan kini juga, aku takut pada badut.

Okay, everybody needs to slow it down a notch.

When did everybody became so morbid and so depressed? And when the hell did everybody changed, became so altered to the point of me asking myself that is this really the person i am acquainted with? Doubting every step and every move you people make.

Is there something i am not experiencing that everybody is? Did something big happened and i just missed it? Is there something everybody gets that i don't? Am i immune to something?

Looks like i am the only one who feels the same. Seems like everybody else is changing and i am not, but somehow it makes me feel different. So different, so left behind, so alone.

What actually happened?

Am i the one who refuses to move on? Or am i the one who has moved on so far forward that i left people behind? Or am i so very much left behind that i didn't even realize people around me have moved on?

Eff these rhetorical questions. Eff them in the past, eff them in the future.

How low can you go?

When asked the question How would your friends describe you, the first thing that came up to my mind was, that this question was not intended to find out what my friends would describe me as, but more or less see how i see myself as.

It's more of a question of asking the questionee about how the questionee understands him/herself.

And after that, i couldn't answer it efficiently, so to speak. I felt like i can't answer it truthfully and sincerely. I found out how i think of me as;

Someone who is incapable of doing anything and doesn't believe in himself and has very low self-esteem.

Now that is what you call a very low blow.

Agak tegang.

Kau senyap je sekarang.

Kau lah.

Mana ada, kau tu yang menghilang.


*masalahnya, takkan aku nak cakap yang aku senyap dengan kau sebab kau macam tak layan aku, jadi buat apa kau nak jadi macam orang bodoh asyik tegur kau tanpa ada reaksi daripada pihak kau.

tapi takpe, semuanya baik belaka, tak ada apa-apa masalah pun. minta maaflah kalau aku agak kasar. aku ok, cuma sekarang keadaan tegang dan aku sedang cemas.

Syukur.

Alhamdulillah pada saat ini, selesai aku menyiapkan segala persiapan untuk esok. Cuma tinggal tahap keyankinan aku sahaja yang tidak lagi selesai-selesai. Aku memang tidak ada keyakinan tinggi dalam bab seperti esok ini. Memang tiada. Namun, aku kena percayakan pada diri aku untuk menempuhi cabaran ini, kan? Kalau tidak, bagaimana aku nak berdepan dengan diri sendiri kalau aku tidak sanggup menewaskan kelemahan aku ini.


gentar bangat seh.

Warming up.

I'm still trying to get into my old and odd habit of trying to write long paragraphs of complete and utter nothings. All these short writings, are just a warm up. You best be watching your back, cause the old Sheriff is back in town baby.

Asal ek?

Asal aku rasa macam pada waktu ini semua orang dalam keadaan tegang. Everybody is so tense. Come on lah people.

Take a chill pill. Better yet, get stoned.

Another piece of a broken puzzle.

Takes solace in hiding and sneaking up on people.

I can't do this anymore.

It's supremely difficult to hold something in yourself so hard that no one can grasp it. I have been holding back something so big for so long which will only, in return, make it bigger and in the end, one day, when pushed to the limit, it will explode.

On another note, i have been being a hypocrite all my life, but when i am met with an obstacle that requires hypocrisy, i can't do it. Its all wrong. I don't feel like i want to be someone else to impress individuals just because i am supposed to, it's just not right for me. But the worse fact about this is, i have to do this, i have no choice. If not, i will end up nowhere.

Someone fictional once said that "being an adult is about having to make difficult choices". One flaw about that statement is, it occurs to us younglings too and it is most severe to us since we do not have the capacity to accept it into our little limited emotional system. We are not built to face this type of problem, I am not built to face this type of dilemma, at least not yet and of course not alone.

Sometimes, no, most of the time i feel like i am going through everything that is happening in my life alone. I feel like i have no support system, I have no Christina Yang to my Meredith Grey, I have no safety net, I have no guidance counselor, i have no Ryan Atwood to Seth Cohen, i have none of those. Eventhough the actual fact is i do, why the hell do i still feel alone, why the hell do i sometimes hold back what i really want to say, why the hell am i afraid of opening up.

I guess it's because i still feel uncomfortable around familiar people, around people who i have made such a close connection with. But still i, or they, have not really broken down the barrier that is built around me. And that is such a waste. All these years being together ending in nothing more than just hellos and goodbyes.

It is only natural that the person who is stopping us from getting our happiness, achieving our dreams and aspirations, to be able to share and get a taste of happily ever after, is ourselves.

It really hurts when you are your own betrayal. Who can you trust? Who can you love? Who can you depend on, in the end?

Sic vita est. Such is life.

New contacts.

Recently there are a hell lot of people adding me at my facebook page, whom i do not know personally.

But being the stupid idiot that i am, i just approve them and give them the benefit of the doubt, giving them the oppurtunity to get to know me better by actually interacting with me. But, like i said, being the stupid idiot that i am, none of them even said hello or introduced themselves to me. I mean what is the purpose of adding me then?

Even if you want to stalk, oh wait, i do that sometimes.

Alrighty then, just keep doing what you're doing.

Assholes.

First impressions are not that crucial.

For me.

Everybody keeps saying that you have to make a really good first impression. Perhaps you do.

But isn't that like jugding the book by its cover?

I just learned that people are not what they seem, or that you can warm up to someone whom you've never really liked when you take the time and spend it with them.

Really, take the time and spend it with them. Not for them.

Females 101.

Perhaps i have stumbled upon the Holy Grail of truths.

Actually when they talk and express themselves and tell their problems to us guys, they aren't asking for our solution, they're asking for our ears.

Amazing.

And here i thought i could part them wisdom when all they want is someone to talk to.

But then, what are they're girlfriends for?

I should get my own commercial.

I pride myself in believing that i bring people together.

Here are two very different people, in my opinion, and without me, i believe, would not have met and become friends.

Now, with me being in the picture, i indirectly introduced them, informally, and they become quite acquainted. Thus overlapping the circle of friendships.

Which makes me feel good and I believe i should be rewarded for that. At least a hug is appropriately in order i presume. Thank you.