I can't do this anymore.

It's supremely difficult to hold something in yourself so hard that no one can grasp it. I have been holding back something so big for so long which will only, in return, make it bigger and in the end, one day, when pushed to the limit, it will explode.

On another note, i have been being a hypocrite all my life, but when i am met with an obstacle that requires hypocrisy, i can't do it. Its all wrong. I don't feel like i want to be someone else to impress individuals just because i am supposed to, it's just not right for me. But the worse fact about this is, i have to do this, i have no choice. If not, i will end up nowhere.

Someone fictional once said that "being an adult is about having to make difficult choices". One flaw about that statement is, it occurs to us younglings too and it is most severe to us since we do not have the capacity to accept it into our little limited emotional system. We are not built to face this type of problem, I am not built to face this type of dilemma, at least not yet and of course not alone.

Sometimes, no, most of the time i feel like i am going through everything that is happening in my life alone. I feel like i have no support system, I have no Christina Yang to my Meredith Grey, I have no safety net, I have no guidance counselor, i have no Ryan Atwood to Seth Cohen, i have none of those. Eventhough the actual fact is i do, why the hell do i still feel alone, why the hell do i sometimes hold back what i really want to say, why the hell am i afraid of opening up.

I guess it's because i still feel uncomfortable around familiar people, around people who i have made such a close connection with. But still i, or they, have not really broken down the barrier that is built around me. And that is such a waste. All these years being together ending in nothing more than just hellos and goodbyes.

It is only natural that the person who is stopping us from getting our happiness, achieving our dreams and aspirations, to be able to share and get a taste of happily ever after, is ourselves.

It really hurts when you are your own betrayal. Who can you trust? Who can you love? Who can you depend on, in the end?

Sic vita est. Such is life.