The feeling you get when the poop is outta here.

Do you know that feeling you get when you're pooping and the poop hasn't gotten out of your butthole but it's like semi out. Partially out of that a-hole. And you're like doing your best, pushing with all of your might and strength and heart and enthusiasm to get that little/big sucker the hell outta there.

You breathe in and breathe out. You swish and swash. Your feet are shaking left to right and your hands are gripping the skin of your thighs cause there ain't nothing to hold on to.

You push and you push. You huff and you puff.

And at last that little maggot is outta there. You feel a very great satisfaction. The greatest. A high. Adrenaline is pumping through your veins for you have achieved a success. The feeling like there is nothing in this world that can make you feel negative.The feelings of grandeur. The feeling of sheer and utter happiness.

Do you know that feeling?

Well i miss that feeling. i haven't had a big dump since i can't remember.

And today when you called me after so long a time. I was overwhelmed by that feeling. After so long we haven't contacted each other, to hear your familiar but distant voice. I felt the feeling. I miss those days and i miss you. But ah well, the sands of time is very seductive.

I hope to see you some time in the future. Mr/Mrs time keeper, do not keep us apart any longer, please and thank you.

You got me to feel all those butterflies inside
in your locker i would hide
the truth, it's only you i see
and you're just what i need

i'd bring you flowers everyday
just to roll you in the hay
what i feel inside
i'm right on time
i know i'll get my way

you're just what i need
you're just what i need
not everything works as it seems
is that so hard to believe?

The hell?

Okay i just noticed one thing.

Something about me.

Lately, i have been thinking about dying a lot.

Does that mean something? I just felt the goosebumps.

Please, tell me what are the symptoms of major depression disorder? Or perhaps something that could lead to suicide because i still haven't got married and had a wonderful shag yet. Could dying just wait a little while longer. Please and thank you eh Mr. Grim Reaper.

Heavily sedated.

To wish to be terminally ill is my deepest and darkest secret.

I know it sounds weird and perhaps sadistic but i do often wish i am a terminally patient and i have aneurysm or perhaps leukemia. Even i'm scared at the thought of mentioning the diseases but sometimes. mostly when i feel bored, i wish i had them.

I wish i was a terminally ill patient so that at last i will come to grips of reality and life. Finally i would start living my life fully. I have a reason to live my life at the fullest because right now, i have no reason. Even the thought of dying is something that amuses me. I feel like the process of dying is a fun(okay perhaps not fun but agreeable) process where i will undergo different stages.

Like the book by Mitch Albom- The five people you meet in heaven, i haven't read the book but i have a feeling it is about the five people you meet in heaven. It is about the process that is fun.Haven't you ever heard of the expression that happiness isn't a destination, it is a journey. Something like that.

Anyways, being terminally ill forces you to have fun. Makes you do things you never had the courage to do. Like doing all the things you wanted but never getting around to do it or maybe never had the chance. Well having a disease that gives you a small ample time to stay in this world makes you see this world in a whole new perspective. Seeing the world through a different angle. And perhaps only then will you achieve true happiness.

Either that or you have found the love of your life. True love.

But i don't believe in true love. I just believe in imagination. And right now i am having a serious headache and i am guessing it could probably be an aneurysm. I took a panadol just to stop the pain.

I guess i'm not ready to die.

Trying to be poetic 01.

I was bored during chemistry exams so i went to the teachers table and took a piece of paper and sat right back down at my seat.

Then i just used my to favourite words which were okie dokie and started writing.

the end result was this.


The stars will fade
The sun will shade
The moon goes dead
but not my love for you

The trees will die
The rivers run dry
we all say goodbye
but not my love for you

and if you leave me soon
i may not be waiting for you anymore
but if you leave me soon
my heart will be here forevermore.

Saying goodbye.

Nobody was ever good at goodbyes. Nor nobody will ever be. Saying goodbye, really meaning it, it means that perhaps, maybe, you will meet again. But deep down you know that it is not going to happen. You give yourself a false hope saying that anything is possible and you believe that false hope. Eventhough somewhere inside you, you know that it is just a lie to help you cope.

I have never been at goodbyes and so long as i can avoid it, i will. Heck i'll even slow it down if i can but sometimes it is not in my power to do so. Sometimes there are other things like REASONS that even i cannot put a stop to.

It's not because i don't want to let that person go. No. It's because that saying goodbye means it is the end. For me it is. And that's just half of it. Even after the person has left, i will not even say goodbye. They would call me up to say goodbye and i would press the red button, and put the phone to silence mode so i wouldn't hear the ringing.

I know i had already said goodbye but i have never really meant it. I mean really mean what i say. Like how you say "you're great" in response to someone being great at something although inside you're just saying "he/she's alright". That's how i say goodbye.

And sometimes i wish that one day i could really mean it. Saying goodbye like there will be no tomorrow. Saying goodbye like you're not going to see each other anymore but sharing that goodbye and make it last forever. Make it eternal. Make that memory immortal. But i just can't. I'm a wuss, always have been and always will be. Since i was in standard six i guess i was like this. Like how i would avoid confrontation with people that i have conflict with. Like how i would lie and say i like you but actually in reality i can't even stand the sight of you. Like how i would run away and stay in my room and lock the door shut and lay on my bed contemplating my life, remembering all the memories we had, all the fun, all the sad, all the bad, all the plans.

So you see, oh Mr. Blogger, don't ask me to say goodbye because i do not want to say goodbye to the memories. Then all that is left is nothing. Nothing is something, i know, but something is not enough. Never enough for my big and deep abyss of nothingness.

A tribute to a great friend,

and also to a someone that makes me "feel a great sadness",


The bagpipes never sounded so beautiful-Azuan.

What's wrong? Really!?

Why does a death in a movie has to mean it is a sad ending?

Why is it that, in a movie, when the so called main character departs/leaves/breaks up/anything along the line with their loved ones, it is said that it is a sad ending? A sad conclusion. Why is that?

I'm not being pessimistic or sadistic here, i'm just thinking something out of the box(something i usually do). It's not that there's anything wrong with the movies nowadays, just that i get sick watching the faces of people in the cinemas and also tired of feeling the same feeling when a sad scene happens.

Lately i have lost interest in all the things i used to enjoy myself with. Like watching movies, playing games, chatting with friends and eating. Oh wait, i still love eating. Thank god.

Okay, back to what i was talking about.

I was only wondering, why isn't departing or dying a happy thing? ahahaha. That is me laughing my ass off at myself for writing and thinking stuffs like this. But yeah, sometimes when the ending scene is happening, and you can see the antagonist dying, sacrificing himself/herself for the sake of his/her loved ones, talking slowly and telling them how much he/she loved them. To me that is a happy ending. Don't you?

I mean so what they're dying. Everybody is going to die sooner or later. No matter how hard and how long we try to stave it off, it is inevitable. Even the mightiest fall. So why can't we accept that and move on. Why can't we think of it as a big finale. No comebacks and no encore. We'll just leave the world wanting more. Wouldn't that be great?

But perhaps, i think not many out there has the optimistic beliefs like i do.

Oh well, back to watching Lord Of the Rings.

Bekind rewind.

I'm the kind of guy who would go to the movies if there is a screening of the classics like Titanic just because it was the first movie that made me cry.

I'm the kind of guy who goes out and buys a Playstation One just because i want to play Final Fantasy Seven again.

I'm the kind of guy who goes to the store and get myself a bottle of bubble and wand included just because i want to make the day more beautiful than it isn't.

I'm the kind of guy who lets no one in but goes in to everyone.

I'm the kind of guy who eats burgers when i feel like it just because i don't care if i die of obesity or other food related disorders.

I'm the kind of guy who wants to have a girlfriend but is afraid of one.

I'm the kind of guy who loves to listen to unheard music just because other people has never listened to them before.

I'm the kind of guy who is short and the hell with you.

I'm the kind of guy who is totally abnormal.

I'm the kind of guy who is less of a guy but more of a man. Perhaps.

Things i am afraid of.

1. Balloons.
Although i love bubbles, balloons, they're physical counterparts, on the other hand, are like bombs in disguise. Really, i'm not exaggerating. This is the truth. I checked wikipedia out and here is what they have to say:

Some balloons are purely decorative, while others are used for specific purposes such as meteorology, medical treatment, military defense, or transportation. A balloon's properties, including its low density and relatively low cost, have led to a wide range of applications.

now, can you see something is wrong. For military defense? See, i told ya.

2.Injections/Vaccination.
Or any other type of poking a large needle or syringe into various parts of your body. Thus far i have only been injected perhaps four times and still can feel the burn and pain. Anyone who says they are not afraid of this type of "medication" is stupid. It's not that i'm against the "i want to donate some blood" campaign thing, but it's the method they used to get the blood out of the body. Call me when they have created a technology that can tranpsort blood out of the body without using syringes or sucking it painfully.

3.Fans.
Not not those fans you have when you get famous or popular. Not the groupies too, although sometimes they are very frightening. But i'm talking about the fans you have at your home that you used to make you feel breeze and cool. And i'm not talking about those ancient chinese handmade fans that you can bring around anywhere but the electric fans that stick to your walls or ceilings. Everytime i look at them i get flashes concerning about deaths. Like how the vanes of the fan could snap and then "boomerang" around the household and at last cut your head off. Or perhaps how a fan on the ceiling would snap and fall on you and if the weihgt did not kill you, the revolving vanes will.

4.Rings.
I don't have any commitment problems. I am a very loyal person and would do anything for a person i love but rings just freak the hell out of me. One ring to rule them all, one ring to bring them and in the darkness bind them. There's a reason why Tolkien created the Lord of the rings, and the fear of not getting to unwear them is one of them. That's why i vowed never to wear a ring for decorative purposes unless of course its for engagements because i am just afraid that the rings i wear, i could not unmask them which in the end leaves me with no other choice than to use peanut butter to loosen it up or worse case scenario, cut my finger off.

5.Heights.
Every sane intelligent person will have the same problem. People who are born geniuses are all afraid of heights. It's called acrophobia and i have it. The only reason i am short is because i have the RATIONAL fear of heights. Let me repeat that, i have a RATIONAL fear of heights. You see, we are created to live on ground, not in the water, above it or in the sky and perhaps space. We should just firmly put our feet on the ground where it is safe and away from harms path. That is what any other self-respecting intelligent individuals would do.

6.Fear of being alone.
Which includes afraid of eating out at any stall, restaurant, joint or outlet alone. No shit. Other than that i am afraid of going to the movies alone(yes i am afraid of the dark too, who doesn't?) but just because i can't enjoy any stimulating activity alone. I am a social beast eventhough sometimes i prefer to be unsociable but nevertheless, that is the characteristic of a Libra. That is why most of us dislike and perhaps sometimes hates being alone.

7.Insects.
Hairy and infinite number of legs with attachable wings. Enough said.

8.Clowns.
According to popular belief, which is a lie, clowns are funny and nice? I think they forgot to mention that clowns are really serial killers in disguise. I'm not being paranoid. Since i am an Empath, which means that i can feel the emotions of others, i remember one incident where i stumbled upon a clown and i just felt blank. Nada, zilch, nyet. I was 6 then and that made me cry my eye-sockets out. Okay so i am exaggerating but who cares. Behind those happy gay faces, they are really sad and deceitful and big fat liars. One more thing, making animals out of balloons(see above) is SHITTY! Especially, out of balloons.

9.Dissappointment.
Tell me about it.

10.Kids.
Well it's not so much that i am afraid of them but maybe perhaps i hate them. You could even say i despise them. Aside from the fact that they don't fucking understand me, they love clowns and animals made out of balloons. Other than that, they love to play with insects and eat them. Can you spell disgusting? Plus they always, and i mean always with no hesitation or sympathy, throw tantrums around like it's they business. And, they like to hit me. I don't know why but they do and it just makes me want to choke them to fairyland where all their worst nightmares come true.

one more thing, they draw shitty stuffs man. Hahahaha. Fire in the A-HOLE!

Lets not.

Lets not argue between each other about whose life is more miserable. Instead lets just be miserable and don't boast it to others because one thing we all know that being miserable is not somethingto be happy about.

Unless you're me who loves being miserable and aches every hour if it is a happy hour.

Shed some skin.

Not being able to trust anyone even with family and friends. That would a be a great disadvantage. I wish will never become that person.

But then again, look at me now.

Not being able to express myself truly and tell people what i really think. I hope that isn't me.

But then again, look at me now.

Not being able to share with someone my secrets, secrets that needs a keeper other than myself.

But then again, look at me now.

Not being able to believe in oneself's worth and confidence.

But then again, look at me now.

Not being able to admit that some people are not perfect and that they are my friends. Instead, believing that a real friend will come under false pretenses one day. Believing that a true and perfect friend, created from the ideals of consciousness of those around, will come one day and be beside oneself for eternity.

Look at me now.

Not being able to say you are not perfect but hey, thats life and you are my friend and i trust you and i need you and i want to tell you what i feel and what my secrets are.

Look at me now.

Not being able to break these walls. These thick concrete walls made out of doubt and suspicions. Made from distrust and fear. Made because of all those years of making bonds, some can be broken. Made because knowing after making those bonds, in the end we still have to make new ones because we have to move on.

Look at me now.

Not being able to feel happy. Not being able to feel secure. Not being able to trust. Not being able to feel love. Not being able to love. Not being able to be oneself truly.

Don't, just don't look at me. Please.

How pathetic?

I cannot believe how stupid i feel. I felt embarassed just by walking beside a group of 10-year olds.

What the heck is my malfucntion?


Sincerely the idiot,
awan.