Adakah salah kalau aku cakap aku tak sabar untuk cerita ini?

Sebenarnya...

video ini yang aku nak tunjukkan kepada kamu.

Love is a two letter word. U and I.

What's the difference between being in love and loving?

What's the difference with saying i love you and i am in love with you?

Apa bezanya kalau kau cakap kau cintakan aku tetapi aku cakap aku sayangkan kau?

Perlukah aku cintakan kau jikalau aku sudah pun sayangkan kau?

Kenapa itu semua tidak mencukupi? Kenapa kamu semua perlukan lebih? Kenapa kamu semua asyik mahukan lebih sahaja?

Aku tak kenal cinta. Aku bukan nak jadi puitis atau dramatis. Aku memang seriously tak kenal cinta. Tetapi aku sudah sebati dengan sayang. Aku menyayangi.

Tetapi diri aku rasa itu tidak mencukupi. Macam tak cukup. Macam ada yang tak kena.

Dan kalau aku sendiri rasa itu tidak cukup, apatah lagi orang yang aku sayangi.




Aku dah penat lah jadi jiwang ini semua. Aku dah malas nak fikir pasal puitis, tapi aku dah memang begini. Aku tak boleh nak buat apa-apa dah.

Nostalgia antibiotic.

Aku baru sahaja telan satu pil antibiotic. Sejak kecil lagi aku memang tidak sukakan pil-pil ubat semua ni. Memang aku cukup fobia terhadap mereka apabila tiba masanya untuk aku buka mulut dan telan satu biji pil yang berupa seperti satu ketul batu.

Setiap kali nak telan, aku perlu sediakan satu cawan besar berisikan air kosong, penuh. Satu perkara penting juga, aku perlu berada betul-betul di hadapan apa-apa jenis sinki/jamban. Memang itu satu kemestian, kalau tidak malapetaka terjadi lah.

Anyhoo(anyways dalam melayu apa eh?) selepas aku telan satu biji pil antibiotic aku terus ke hadapan komputer. Aku sebenarnya tidak tahu nak buat apa, sudah pukul 1 pagi dan ramai daripada rakan-rakan seinternet sudah pun tidur nyenyak.

Lantaran aku pun bacalah balik komen-komen kat myspace itu. Sedang aku baca komen-komen zaman ketika kita semua masih lagi berotak ngok, perasaan rindu mendalami badan aku.

Aku rindulah zaman dulu ketika aku dan rakan-rakan aku tiada apa-apa konflik pun di antara kita yang menggugat ikatan persahabatan. Sebelum semua persengketaan dalaman dan luaran ini berlaku, hidup memang enak. Ignorance is bliss. What you don't know can't hurt you. Memang betul.

Sekarang, sudah lama aku tidak bersua muka pun dengan beberapa rakan-rakan aku. Ada yang aku berhasrat ingin berjumpa, ada yang sebaliknya. Apa-apa pun, perasaan rindu itu membuat aku rasa nak muntah lah.

Ataupun ini disebabkan aku sudah minum beberapa banyak gallon air kerana doktor suruh? UURRGH. Damn you penis!

Inilah sebabnya aku tidak suka hospital atau mana-mana tempat yang berdoktor.

Farkauf punye penis aku. Pagi tadi aku bangun daripada tidur ingatkan nak pergi buang air besar. Last-last aku pergi kencing darah. Berani kau nak menangis air mata darah. Dah lah sakit.

Korang tahu tak betapa sakitnya kencing keluarkan darah? Tahu tak? Well maybe bersalin lagi sakit, tetapi memandangkan aku seorang lelaki dan aku punya alat terpenting sekali adalah penis aku, mesilah sakit kalau kencing darah. UUUUURGH.

Jadi tadi aku pergi klinik Idzham. Hmph, doktor yang check aku bukannya Idzham pun nama dia. Doktor Jani. Tengok kat pintu ada papan tanda tulis Doktor Jani. Ingatkan perempuan indian, cantik, english memang power, badan langsing.

Apa yang aku dapat? Seorang doktor lelaki dalam linkungan 30-an ke 40-an(mungkin). Tetapi aku suka dia. Dia memang baik. Bedside manners dia memang superb lah juga. Kalau boleh memang aku nak jadi macam dia, cuma aku praktis dalam bidang perubatan lain kot.

Anyhoo, aku ada satu sahaja masalah dengan dia. Selepas dia buat physical ke atas aku, dia mintak aku pergi kencing dalam cup. Ok, itu aku paham lah kan. Aku kencing darah, mestilah nak check apa masalahnya, walaupun aku rasa malu nak pergi tunjuk dia bahan-bahan fluid badan aku.

Tetapi yang cannot go away adalah, lawak dia yang satu tu je.

Doktor:Hmm. Ini kamu punye pundi kencing kena jangkitan kuman ni. Kena surgeri.
Aku: *buat muka... muka.. entahlah muka apa, aku mana boleh nampak muka aku tapi dalam hati aku "eleh aku tahu menipu".
Doktor: Ini kena sunat lagi ni. Tak cukup sunat.

Jadi aku senyap je, senyum je. Sengih. Hati mengeletar.

Tolonglah, kepada semua manusia di bumi ini.

Sunat adalah satu perkara yang tidak boleh dipersendakan. Trauma you know!

I am insightful, you bee-itch.

I like to think that i am very wise beyond my years compared to my friends. I like to think that i am an experienced person. It's the only way i get to feel good about myself once in a while.

For example, all the things i've never done but others have. I'd like to think that i have a good reason not to and that other people are just following the tide, letting the world make choices for them and cheat their way into life. From that, i know that i am wiser.

Be that as it may, somehow this video down here just throws everything out of balance.


Somehow this song just makes it hard to understand. Zaahira, i need your help in deciphering the lyrics like you did with Penelope.
Or maybe it's me. I'm just puzzled with the music video not being aligned with the song.

Entah kenapa aku terlalu fussing pasal satu lagu.

Hobi terbaru aku. Bedah otak sendiri.

Baiklah, sekarang ini aku sudah tiada buah fikiran untuk bercerita lagi. Otak aku sudah kosong, seperti tempurung kelapa.

Sebenarnya kebanyakkan daripada entri-entri aku sebelum ini dijanakan menggunakan kemarahan aku. What i am trying to say is that all this time i've been writing and complaining, all of those past entries, all of them are just fueled by my anger and frustration towards other individuals. And now that i no longer keep in contact with certain individuals, the anger and frustration has faded away.

Nevertheless, my life up until now was to try to lose that very same anger and frustration. But now that they really are gone, i feel empty, i feel scared, i feel bored. I guess even if i hate someone so much, i used up all of my energy into hating someone, and when they're gone, i feel useless. Like my previous post, i am a vacant person without any feelings. A body without a soul. Just like a zombie. Sometimes i just panic because i don't know what to do anymore. All i knew was hating. Where is the love ya'll?

Jadi, buat masa sekarang ini aku sudah tidak tahu nak berceloteh pasal apa lagi. Kebanyakkan masa terluang aku, aku habiskan dengan menonton siri televisyen Grey's Anatomy.

Hanya Tuhan sahaja yang tahu betapa aku perlukan siri televisyen ini untuk membuatkan aku menangis teresak-esak. Dari dahulu lagi sudah aku inginkan menonton Grey's Anatomy hanya kerana ak nak menangis. Dan aku bersyukur ada cerita sebegini yang dapat bagi aku peluang untuk melepaskan beban dalaman.

Sebab itulah juga, pernah aku nyatakan bahawa, aku tidak boleh menjadi seorang doktor atau pakar bedah kerana jikalau aku adalah seorang doktor/pakar bedah, aku tidak akan henti-henti menangis. Paling kurang pun aku akan rasa kesian dan tidak boleh bantu pesakit-pesakit aku.

Yeah i know, i am so selfless.

But sometimes i'm more self-absorbed.


p/s: Kepada pembaca-pembaca belog aku ini yang sudah bosan menunggu(ececeh) aku membuat entri baru, saya mohon maaf. Kalau tak puas hati juga, silalah layari belog lain. Ataupun, lebih baik, tekanlah pada mana-mana punat di "sexy labels" dan "past shags" pada column sebelah kanan ini untuk mengharungi memori-memori lama aku. Terima kasey.

A bridge to a bridge.

Sudah berapa banyak kali dah aku tonton cerita Bridge To Terabithia. Dan setiap kali aku tengok cerita tersebut, aku akan tidak henti-henti berasa sebak di dada. Menangis di dalam hati tanpa mengeluarkan air mata.

Cerita ini memang menyentuh perasaan aku. Sejak kali pertama aku tengok cerita ini, memang aku ada terasa lah jugak. Terdapat unsur-unsur di dalam cerita ini yang pernah aku alami di dalam hidup aku.

Aku tak tau apa nak cakap lagi, ini sahaja yang boleh aku ekspresikan buat masa ini.

Currently my emotions are on a holiday. I am just a vacant person without any feelings.


By the way, why can't we be friends?

New year partaaaay!

Come on!

Are none of my friends cool enough to hold a new year party?

I really need to jiggy with it since i am the jiggy jiwang.

If any one of you, whom i know, is going to hold a new years eve/new years party, please do tell me. So i can go and crash it and boogie down.

I am the boogeyman. AHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHA

i am so bad that i am good.

Second place is the first loser.

As soon as i returned home i got into bed and tried to sleep off the frustration. I don't know why and how these feelings got to me but all i knew was that i gotta shake it off before i feel even more tension. This was all due to the incident at the mall where i saw or met, not directly, with a certain person. My heart sank and i felt small after passing by that certain person.

I feel so insecure. I feel like i have no confidence in myself. I am no better than bulimics or anorexics. Only difference is that i am short and i'm a male. I'm am so stupid to feel this way and let it ruin my mood.

I lay there on my bed, opened the laptop and played back the trailer that keeps me awake at night. I let it play over and over and over again until i fell asleep under the blanket feeling cold and alone. I lie on my bed doing a foetal position trying to frustrate myself to sleep, while listening to the voices of the people i care about.

Trying to distract my thoughts of the incident in the mall was in vain. I kept being remembered of that certain person. I feel so insecure and inferior. I feel lonely.

After a few moments of trying to sleep, i woke up, my body full of sweat. My face moist and wet. My clothes wet. I feel so itchy and discomfort that i still try to get back to sleep. My room felt so cold even under the layers of blanket. I am not sure if i am catching a cold but my body just shivered under the warmth of those blankets.

Then i got up and straight away went to the bathroom and took a shower. After twisting the tab, i was showered with cold and icy water. I sat on the tiled floor, naked, feeling the cold of the water. It felt strangely good.

And then i kept thinking about that certain person. That person just can't get out of my head. i try to think of the cold water and how it makes my body wither and how the colour of my nails are turning blue but it was no use. Whatever i try to do and think about, i keep finding myself thinking about that certain person.

I wasn't sure how long i was in the shower, all i knew was that i was cold, my eyes were red, my skin wrinkled, my heart shivering, my body feeling weak and frail. I just wanted to sleep while i was rained down by cold icy waters but i couldn't get myself to sleep, even in the shower.

Then after a few moments that seemed long enough to drown myself in water, i stopped, thinking that if i kept staying in the shower for a rather longer period, i'd get myself in trouble. And i know that wouldn't want that.

After closing the tap, i dried myself up, wore my clothes and straight went to this computer and wrote it down. I don't know if i'll get over this one like the ones i usually get over with, before. But this marks as the first, i guess, of the rest of my life in solitude. This also marks as the first day i got conflicted by a nervous breakdown. Or a panic attack. Whatever you want to label it.

And i believe none of my friends will understand this particular incident even if i told them, which i will never. Only the ones who read this blog will know. But You won't understand. You won't get to feel the emotions i felt today, right now.

I felt like i wanted to run away. I felt like trying to kill myself. But i thought of how those things will never solve anything and will only create more problems.

I guess i'll only resort to patience.

Aku anggap ini sebagai satu jihad, walaupun kemungkinan besar ia bukan. Tetapi aku akan cuba sedaya upaya untuk melawan perasaan itu dan mengawal diri aku. Aku tak nak benda ini berlaku lagi walaupun aku suka perasaan nak bunuh diri itu.

And if you really feel like you want to know. If you really sympathize or empathize. If you really care, which none of these applies to any of you. I'll put this as a reminder:

p/s: I am now, officially, an Uncle! But damn could my nephew come into this world at a worse time.