Second place is the first loser.

As soon as i returned home i got into bed and tried to sleep off the frustration. I don't know why and how these feelings got to me but all i knew was that i gotta shake it off before i feel even more tension. This was all due to the incident at the mall where i saw or met, not directly, with a certain person. My heart sank and i felt small after passing by that certain person.

I feel so insecure. I feel like i have no confidence in myself. I am no better than bulimics or anorexics. Only difference is that i am short and i'm a male. I'm am so stupid to feel this way and let it ruin my mood.

I lay there on my bed, opened the laptop and played back the trailer that keeps me awake at night. I let it play over and over and over again until i fell asleep under the blanket feeling cold and alone. I lie on my bed doing a foetal position trying to frustrate myself to sleep, while listening to the voices of the people i care about.

Trying to distract my thoughts of the incident in the mall was in vain. I kept being remembered of that certain person. I feel so insecure and inferior. I feel lonely.

After a few moments of trying to sleep, i woke up, my body full of sweat. My face moist and wet. My clothes wet. I feel so itchy and discomfort that i still try to get back to sleep. My room felt so cold even under the layers of blanket. I am not sure if i am catching a cold but my body just shivered under the warmth of those blankets.

Then i got up and straight away went to the bathroom and took a shower. After twisting the tab, i was showered with cold and icy water. I sat on the tiled floor, naked, feeling the cold of the water. It felt strangely good.

And then i kept thinking about that certain person. That person just can't get out of my head. i try to think of the cold water and how it makes my body wither and how the colour of my nails are turning blue but it was no use. Whatever i try to do and think about, i keep finding myself thinking about that certain person.

I wasn't sure how long i was in the shower, all i knew was that i was cold, my eyes were red, my skin wrinkled, my heart shivering, my body feeling weak and frail. I just wanted to sleep while i was rained down by cold icy waters but i couldn't get myself to sleep, even in the shower.

Then after a few moments that seemed long enough to drown myself in water, i stopped, thinking that if i kept staying in the shower for a rather longer period, i'd get myself in trouble. And i know that wouldn't want that.

After closing the tap, i dried myself up, wore my clothes and straight went to this computer and wrote it down. I don't know if i'll get over this one like the ones i usually get over with, before. But this marks as the first, i guess, of the rest of my life in solitude. This also marks as the first day i got conflicted by a nervous breakdown. Or a panic attack. Whatever you want to label it.

And i believe none of my friends will understand this particular incident even if i told them, which i will never. Only the ones who read this blog will know. But You won't understand. You won't get to feel the emotions i felt today, right now.

I felt like i wanted to run away. I felt like trying to kill myself. But i thought of how those things will never solve anything and will only create more problems.

I guess i'll only resort to patience.

Aku anggap ini sebagai satu jihad, walaupun kemungkinan besar ia bukan. Tetapi aku akan cuba sedaya upaya untuk melawan perasaan itu dan mengawal diri aku. Aku tak nak benda ini berlaku lagi walaupun aku suka perasaan nak bunuh diri itu.

And if you really feel like you want to know. If you really sympathize or empathize. If you really care, which none of these applies to any of you. I'll put this as a reminder:

p/s: I am now, officially, an Uncle! But damn could my nephew come into this world at a worse time.