Appreciation and differentiation.

Cikgu: So, apa awak dapat kalau dapat A?
Awan: Kebahagiaan.

Kawan: Kau ada mintak apa-apa kalau dapat A?
Awan: Tak kot.

I know i have never really been the best helper. I know that i have never really achieved your expectations. You always wanted the best for me. You always thought of ways to motivate me and inspiring me. You always helped me.

I appreciate everything you have done for me. I really do. I am very grateful eventhough i may have not shown it much. I am also and will forever be in your debt for giving and providing me so much. If i could i would like to make it up to you. But right now i can't. And i think, no, i know, that for me to make it up to you will take a long time and that i will face problems here and then but i am willing to go through all that just to pay you back.

But what i am afraid of is that i won't get the chance to do all that. What i am afraid of is the time i am given may not be sufficient.

And after all you've done for me, i wish that somehow i want to do something. If i could, i would like to ease your burden. If i could, i want to get the hell out of here and live independently. If i could i would go far away and not bother you for a second. I would live my own life and i will do it my own way. But i won't forget all the things you did. I will make it up to you, it's just that i need my time to do it on my own.

But i think i can't.

I believe i can't.

I'm too needy and clingy.

I am afraid of change. Will always be.

But the feeling of not making it up to you or paying you back just eats me up inside. I am a gentlemen and gentlemen always...

... "membalas budi baik orang".

Don't you just hate that feeling of letting someone down. The feeling of someone disappointed in you after all these while believing that you could do it but in the end you did not. For me, disappointing people is far worse than disappointing myself.

And all these years i thought that after graduating from school would make the weight on my shoulders vanish. But somehow it just gets heavier and heavier.

Here i am sitting in front of the computer thinking about all the things my parents did for me from when i was a single cell organism to me right now, while other "lepasan SPM" are thinking about what to do with their freedom.

I wish i was like other kids.