Hutang duit bayar duit, hutang sayang bayar dengan sayang.

If i was to be really honest to myself, i'd say that i was having a bad day. No. A bad month.  I'd really tell people what i really feel about the circumstances and situation we all are in right now. I'd really say what i mean and really mean it.

I'd say that i really miss my friends. I really feel at a disadvantage. Aku rasa macam aku ni cacat, tak boleh nak lakukan sesuatu benda tanpa mereka. Seriously, i thought i was over the fact that i am able to go eat at a restaurant alone, and watch a movie alone, or just walk around a neighbourhood alone but ow i know, i really can't. I feel so disabled that i can't do anything alone. I am handicapped in this way because i think i know that i don't want to feel alone, eventhough i am already feeling it. I just don't want it to be prolonged more further in my life.

But i guess i just have to accept it that in order to move forward, i have to learn to be lonely. Learn to do things by myself. Knowing that fact and accepting that fact is one of the steps i have to take to get over the fact that i really need my friends. Tapi memang benar, cakap lebih senang daripada buat. I don't know when will i be able to start doing things on my own. I am a very co-dependant person. I have to have a safety net, or at least someone who owns a net.

It may seem that i am having fun, it may seem that i am having the time of my life, but actually i was having the time of my life, but it wasn't here and at this time. The time of my life was in the past when i was not afraid of anything. When the world was my playground. Our playground.

Perhaps now i know how other people felt, perhaps i do deserve this, perhaps this is a rite of passage, perhaps this is how it is supposed to be. But the problem is, i can't rely all my life on perhaps' and maybe's. I need concrete. I know i have always told or at least believed in the perspective that you can't wait life to happen to you, you have to make life happen. I did try. Sometimes it just doesn't happen. It won't.

But i do want to say this, i am very grateful and very thankful to have friends that really love me. I really love them too. I really miss them too. Thanks everyone. The previous day when it was supposed to be a day of magical proportions and eccentricities, it just seemed and felt to me like just another ordinary day of the week. There was nothing special about that day. I felt nothing, null. I know i am not a person who wants grand gestures, but i was just very disappointed that day. But perhaps not today. Today i realised that there are no better gifts than the gift of life and of love.

Ini satu rahsia aku tak pernah bagitahu sesiapa lagi rasanya. Sewaktu aku kecil, aku selalu ingat harijadi aku 10 haribulan 10. So happy fake birthday for me today.

Dan terima kasih banyak-banyak kepada semua yang ucap dan mendoakan aku. Terima kasih tak terkira. Kalau lah aku boleh menzahirkan terima kasih aku ini, memang dah lama orang boleh nampak. Tetapi aku percaya, Allah dah buat perasaan dan emosi tak boleh dilihat sebab nanti bila kita rasa, rasanya sungguh ajaib dan special. Kan. :)