I don't know why i am attracted to things that makes me weep and touched. I can't find out the real reason why. I don't know if it is sadistic or masochistic or any other -istic that exists. But somehow i just want to watch things, especially movies, that is so sad and moving that i cry out loud to the extent that i just want to scream. The weird thing is, it gives me inspiration and the strength to move on. It gives me meaning, makes me see the sense in everything. Makes me feel that some things are worth it, even if i don't know what or why. All i know is, i can't stop watching the sad scenes over and over again until it makes me sick to watch it. But thankfully for now, i don't feel sick yet. I still am moved by other peoples' lives.
Sometimes i envy other people having experienced sad moments in their lives. Having lost someone important. Sometimes i wish i lost someone important. I know that's harsh but sometimes if not losing someone i love, sometimes, mostly, i wish i am the one who suffers. Sometimes i wish i have cancer or some other terminal disease or illness. I don't know why, i just want to feel sad to the point that i have to cry. To the point that my heart feels burdened and as if it beats so hard that it want to get out of my torso.
Perhaps i don't want to know why. And perhaps, i have so much of these empathy and sympathy lying around in my emotional baggage that i just have to let some out bit by bit.
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