I'm in a too depressed mood right now.

Nothing i can say to you that you don't already know.

Except this.

Zoobi Doobi Parampa.

Currently addicted to this song.

I 2 I.

If we listen to each others heart

We'll find we're never too far apart

And maybe love is the reason why

For the first time ever we're seeing it eye to eye.

Oldies.

I have a sudden urge to watch old movies and listen to old songs. I don't know why. Perhaps it's just to revisit old memories and get the nostalgic feeling going. Or maybe it's a feeling of ultimatum, where i feel like i will never get to do this again after this, so i have to do it all at once right now to get me going.

Movies like 2001 Space Odyssey, Grease, Speed, Jerry Maguire, Top Gun, Notting Hill, Lion King, The Godfather, Star Wars and so on and so forth. This urge is welling up inside me so much so that i want to watch all of them quickly so that i can get instant gratification. Although it is just a temporary happiness, at least it is happiness.

Sekarang ini musim ucap selamat.

Sudah tiba waktu, seperti setiap tahun berlaku, musim untuk kita semua sambut, iaitu musim ucap selamat. Selamat tinggal, selamat berjaya, selamat belajar, selamat hidup, selamat memandu, selamat terbang, selamat-selamat.

Tapi, seperti setiap tahun juga, aku, dengan naturally-nya, rasa macam tak perlu sahaja. Rasa macam benda ini semua biasa. Anggap benda ini semua biasa. Kita masih dekat, kita masih berpijak di atas bumi. Kita masih di alam yang sama.

Apa kata buat benda baru lah pula. Kali ini tidak perlu cakap jumpa lagi, tidak perlu berlakon macam kita akan rindu semua orang. Apa kata kali ini, kita biarkan sahaja. Let things be the way it is supposed to be. See how it goes. Go with the flow. Sebabnya, aku dah penat lah asyik lawan arus. Penat sangat. Banyak menggunakan resources.

Dan apa yang aku perasan pada waktu kini adalah, semua orang macam nak buat dramatic exit je. Macam nak tunjuk:

"Okay, aku dah nak pergi dah ni, maka aku akan rindu sangat-sangat saat dulu-dulu. Aku nak pergi jauh, tempat baru, persekitaran ganjil. Aku rasa takut, tapi aku akan menempuhnya dengan berani dan terpaksa. Okay, aku dah nak pergi ni. Jangan lupa aku eh. I want to go out with a bang! A bang that is worth remembering."

Ala-ala sebegitu lah. Aku pun dah macam malas nak layan. Relaks lah. InsyaAllah, kalau umur kau panjang, rezeki banyak, kau akan dapat hidup lagi. Bukannya kau nak bertolak ke alam berzakh ke apa kan. So come on. Take a chill pill, please.

Buat aku rasa resah lah juga. Aku bukannya seorang yang suka merunsing sangat. Tapi kalau dah sekeliling aku, semua orang panik, mana taknya buat aku rasa nak paniklah juga.

Let's just have a blast, and make a big bang with what we get.

Pesanan ibu.

Ibu aku selalu kata:

"Duit pun mak ayah kasi lagi, ada hati nak belanja awek-awek dengan kawan semua."

Aku sangat setuju. Tapi pesanan ini tidak tertakluk kepada rakan-rakan. Maksudnya, rakan-rakan aku tidak mengapa kalau nak belanja aku. Hehe.

Macam budak-budak.

Tadi sewaktu aku berada di pasaraya, menunggu orang-orang tua membeli-belah barangan rumah, aku berada di seksyen jualan permainan. Aku pemandu rasmi kereta sorong. Maka aku pun lepak je lah kat tempat yang lenggang, malas nak lalu tempat ramai manusia lalu-lalang.

Sementara aku menunggu orang-orang tua selesai membeli-belah, aku pun browse sahaja tempat permainan itu, dan aku terjumpa mainan Toy Story. Buzz Lightyear. Memang macam best. Ada kepak, lampu dan suara semua. Memang lengkap. Tapi harganya pun memang lengkap lah. Kalau bundar kan Rm200 lah. Kalau lah aku dah bekerja, dan sara hidup sendiri, sudah tentu aku beli mainan itu. Tak kisah lah aku umur berapa ketika itu, benda-benda nostalgia tiada harga, tiada nilai.

Lifesaver.

Ketika sedang browsing internet, tergerak hati aku untuk dengar lagu. Lantas aku pun buka lah player dan lagu yang aku dengar adalah Obladi Oblada. Memandangkan aku memang dalam keadaan yang murung dan seperti penat dengan perasaan yang tak pernah nak luntur, lagu ini dengan tidak semena-mena nya memberi aku semangat sedikit.
Ob-la-di ob-la-da life goes on bra-la-la how the life goes on.

Thank you very much. You guys are a lifesaver.

Le fabuleux destin.

A first.

Ini buat kali pertamanya dalam seumur hidup aku, aku rasa tersentuh dan rasa nak menangis ketika tonton cerita Hindustan, tanpa subtitle.

Hebat kan aku ni.

No purpose.

Walaupun aku dapat kelulusan pun, kau tetap tak akan percaya pada aku. Jadi tak bermakna lah aku susah payah selama ni. Memang tak ada guna langsung. Bazir duit, masa dan peluh.

Why the hell do assholes and bitches have to ruin everything?

A post without a title, like a man without his name.

There's this thing that's tugging at my heart. Telling me to go for it, whatever IT is. That thing. I am not impervious to it. I cannot nullify it. It has taken over me. It bites and claws at my heart, making me impregnated with anger leaving no room for anything else. Nothing i can do other than becoming a slave. A slave without a purpose none other than to obey each of it's whim.

Smite you,

Nowadays i feel angry all the time.

Don't blame thyself if thou has come around and induce thy to unleash hell upon thee.

Sesi mesyuarat tergempar.

Dapat juga aku melahap shushi buat kali kedua dan baskin robbins buat entah ke berapa. Ini semua ekoran tiba-tiba ada mood nak keluar untuk berjumpa dan bermesyuarat bagi ahli-ahli penting jalan-jalan enterprise.

Terima kasih Puan Pengerusi.

Seriously?! WTF!?

Rakan: hye
assalamualaikum

8:03pm Me
waalaikumussalam
apa khabare?

8:03pm Rakan
sehat
d mana kamu?
wat pe?

8:03pm Me
di rumah

8:03pm Rakan
percer uitm?

8:03pm Me
utim?
*uitm

8:03pm Rakan
degree course per hang nk wat?
rituh kte intrview uitm s.alam?

8:04pm Me
aku tak dapat uitm lah

8:04pm Rakan
so?

8:04pm Me
oh bukan uitm lah

8:04pm Rakan
wat's next?

8:04pm Me
yang interview tak dapat

8:04pm Rakan
larrrrrrrrrrrrrr

8:04pm Me
sekarang ni aku dapat unimas

8:04pm Rakan
ko ni cam keling
cam baim

8:04pm Me
akan kue bertolak ke sarwak

8:04pm Rakan
cite nak belit

8:04pm Me
*sarawak
ahaha mana ada belit
kau tu otak berbelit

8:04pm Rakan
ble?
dah pkir masak2?
kos per weyh?

8:05pm Me
dah fikir masak dah

8:05pm Rakan
jauh2 x berbaloi lupekan jela

8:05pm Me
sains kognitif
ahaha asal lak

8:05pm Rakan
kate nk study overseas?

8:05pm Me
kalau belajar luar negara jauh berbaloi pulak

8:05pm Rakan
cam bapak ko
best

8:05pm Me
study overseas lah ni

8:05pm Rakan
cam taik
sarawak
hak tui

8:06pm Me
okie dokie

8:06pm Rakan
opinion
da makan?

Lepas tu aku terus tak ada mood nak layan. Aku tak nak lah mencarut kat kau semata-mata. Kau dah lah kawan aku, tiba-tiba perangai macam sial. Aku tak nak lah buat hal. Kawan dah lama. Mungkin aku pun salah baca ke apa. Tapi tiba-tiba kau contact aku lepas tu tulis macam tu, memang aku rasa macam pukimak lah. Kalau itu kau main-main gurau pun, aku tak ada rasa nak gelak. Aku mungkin tak ada sense of humour kot. Aku rasa aku bergurau pun tak ada lah macam tu. Maaflah kalau aku mencarut. Tetapi kalau kau dah chat macam tu, memang nak kena maki je. Memang macam sial.

Sifat seorang saintis.

Kena bersikap objektif. Tidak meletakkan apa-apa perasaan dalam kajian. Tiada apa-apa pandangan. Cuma dibantu oleh fakta yang benar dan tepat.

Habis tu kalau aku?

I am nobody without my feelings. If i can't be my moods, than who can i be?

Beginner's luck.

Sehubungan dengan hari rabu ini di mana aku akan menduduki(literally) ujian JPJ, maka dengan itu rakanku memberi beberapa tips untuk aku lepas dengan warna terbang.

"Perbaiki cara kau stir stering"

Lantas aku jawab, "Entahlah, stereng tu macam have a mind of it's own."

"Be one with the car" dia tambah.

Maka aku jawab lagi sekali, "Don't be one with the car, BE the car."


Harap-harap menjadi lah.

Penelope.

You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine,
You make me happy,
When skies are grey,
You'll never know dear,
How much i love you,
Please don't take my sunshine away.

All this time.

I've been right all along.

Selama ini aku musykil tentang bagaimana dia boleh berubah dengan sebegitu cepat dan membesar dan mature dalam sekelip mata sahaja. Pada mulanya, keraguan aku membuatkan aku rasa bersalah. Nampak sangat aku cemburu akan kegembiraan dia. Memang aku cemburu, tetapi perasaan pelik itu tetap melekat pada diri aku, sepertimana secebis sayur melekat di celah-celah gigi. Memang menjengkelkan perasaannya.

Setelah aku membuat beberapa penyiasatan, memang tak salah lagi. Jawapannya sungguh obvious. Dia pun tidak cuba untuk sorokkan apa-apa evidens yang boleh tunjukkan siapa dia. He was being sloppy, and perhaps he was doing it on purpose. Aku tak kisah sangat pasal tu. Aku tidak akan menunjukkan belang sebenar dia kepada khalayak ramai. Nampak sangat aku batu api, dengki dengan apa yang dia ada sekarang. Aku bukanlah sebegitu.

Cuma yang aku tidak puas hati, kenapa nak jadi seseorang yang bukan diri kau. Kenapa nak cuba impress orang lain. Kenapa nak meraih minat, walhal minat itu tidaklah tulen. Baiklah, aku akan cuba untuk tidak masuk campur. Aku berasa lega bahawasanya aku adalah betul. Itu sudah cukup bagi aku. Tidak payah lagi nak fikir sangat pasal benda ini.

Sometimes, i do hate it when i am right.

Dream Journal 03.

Dreamt fighting off zombies. It was a hell of a fighting.

Just a reminder.

Aku dapat info daripada kawan:

"Setahu aku 61 ribu yang mohon, tapi 40 ribu sahaja dapat."

Kemudiannya ditambah,

"Tapi kita kena tahu, hampir separuh juta budak yang sama umur dengan kita, tapi itu sahaja yang ada hati nak sambung dan berjaya masuk U. Betapa rendahnya ia."

Kemudian aku balas

"Tak faham, maksudnya? Yang aku faham kita bernasib baik. Patut bersyukur. Alhamdulillah."

Sejurus itu, aku teringat pada kawan aku. Aku patut bersyukur bersungguh-sungguh. Dia langsung tidak berpeluang untuk menduduki SPM... bukan tidak berpeluang, tidak sempat.

Ah, aku kena kuatkan semangat. Bulatkan tekad. Simpan inspirasi yang konsisten. PER-SE-VERE.

Go team Leonard!

The brightside.

One of the advantages of going to go study far far away, is that many of my friends wants to see me off for the last time and treat me to some fine cuisine.

Ahahahah

Cepat, siapa lagi nak belanja aku, kalau tak melepas lah nanti. ahahahaha

Season Finale Glee.

At first, when i watched the last episode, i was like WTF!? It all ended just like that, without even a big bang? I wasn't even at all interested in the songs performed in the said episode.

But then after repetition and constant listening, i loved the episode more than the previous ones. And it was a superb way to end the season.

All i needed was warming up to it.

No words of encouragement at all.

Perkara pertama yang mereka akan buat setelah aku beritahu di mana adalah terkejut. Kemudian mereka akan kata, terlalu jauh. Mereka akan tidak terkata-kata sejurus selepas itu, atau mereka masih akan fikir, terlalu jauh.

Aku mengaku, aku takut juga. Tempat jauh, benda baru, memang dunia baru. Macam pergi alien planet. Ok itu memang betul. But the way i see it, sama je dengan kamu yang pergi jauh ke utara, tak pun yang pergi jauh ke selatan. Bezanya, aku mungkin naik flight dan pergi seberang sahaja. Masih lagi dalam negara yang sama, dapat berbahasa bahasa local lagi. Kalau aku betul-betul optimis, sebenarnya aku berpeluang belajar overseas. Tak ke hebat tu.

Tetapi apabila mereka tidak berfikiran sehaluan seperti aku, membuatkan aku ragu-ragu akan kebolehan sendiri. Makes me doubt myself. I hate it the most when i lose my own confidence just because people around me do not believe in me.

Mungkin ini dugaan, and i think i can get through this. What else can i do.

I will get through this.

And i am being optimistic here. I mean i've always wanted a new adventure and a way to get out of this place, this rut i am in. This is my opportunity. In a way, my prayers have been answered and my wishes have been granted. I get to go to a whole new place. I place i've never been to. I get to explore and then i can come back and say, been there and done that. Lived through it and survived it, and come out on the other side, satisfied.

 Besides, i need support and encouragement. Especially now and especially from you.

Aku perlukan sokongan dan semangat daripada kamu orang sepertimana aku selalu sokong dan tumpang gembira untuk kamu orang.

Don't get me wrong.

Jangan salah faham dan terburu-buru buat deduksi apa-apa pun. Nanti malu.

Kecewa.

Agak menyedihkan apabila aku sudah rasa puas dan syukur, tapi orang lain(pada pendapat dan hemat aku) tak gembira dan syukur untuk aku. Lantas membuatkan aku rasa kecewa. Buat aku rasa tak guna. Buat aku rasa macam tak layak, menyusahkan, membebankan, memalukan dan paling menyedihkan adalah, mengecewakan sahaja.

It hurts when you have the belief in yourself but then some other person just turns it upside down and now, i don't feel like i can believe in myself anymore. Like i don't have the potential. Like i am just a letdown and a disgrace.

Buat aku rasa nak bikin nervous breakdown saja.

Penatlah juga.

Pagi dimulakan dengan kelas memandu. Kemudian petang pulang ke putrajaya, nasib baik ada kawan sempat telefon cakap nak tolong hantar. Tiba sahaja di putrajaya, tengok wayang kat Alamanda, Toy Story 3. Memang best cerita dia, sampai aku nak menangis(ahaha aku tahu, jiwang kan). Kemudian singgah Nilai, rumah rakan. Kemudian pulang semula ke Putrajaya. Memang penat, tapi syiok habis.

Alhamdulillah semua selamat, sihat walafiat.

Kan manis kalau pakai tudung.

Tentang musibah dan lawaknya.

Adakah salah kalau aku gelak kat kawan aku atau sesiapa sahaja yang ditimpa musibah?

Contoh senang, kalau aku bersama kawan aku jalan-jalan tiba-tiba dia terjatuh, luka, tetapi aku gelak terbahak-bahak sebab situasi yang telah berlaku memang melucukan. Salah ke?

The way i see it, we turn a bad thing into a good thing. Ya, memang dia luka berdarah dan dia dalam kesakitan, tak bermakna aku tidak simpati dan empati terhadap dia. Aku tolong dia juga bangun, dan aku ada bawa plaster, tersimpan dalam dompet aku in case of emergencies, dan aku akan beri kat dia serta-merta.

I believe that it's a good thing that we see the funny side of everything, even if those things are sad, hurtful et cetera. Look on the brightside, i always say.

Tapi kadang-kadang tu tak baik juga. Aku pernah gelak ketawa terbahak-bahak ketika dalam perjalanan ke hospital, kerana kawan, kemudiannya aku pulang menangis tersedak-sedak. Benda-benda macam ini tak dapat diduga. Kena belajar menhadapi sahaja.

Kenapa budak-budak tak suka aku.

Sebab perangai aku lagi kebudak-budakan kalau dibandingkan dengan mereka. Maka mereka pun pelik jugak tengok aku.

Tak reti lah.

Aku ni memang arif kalau bab jadi stalker dan jadi secret admirer. Aku memang pandai ikuti perkembangan seseorang itu walaupun dia tak kenal, atau pun sudah lupakan aku, kalau aku ada suka dia.

Tapi yang agak pelik dan membuatkan aku terpinga-pinga adalah apabila orang yang aku admire, dengan tiba-tiba nya tegur aku dan berbual-bual dengan aku.

Hati aku terhenti seketika. Otak aku terbeku sementara. Tangan aku tak bergerak sejenak.

Kemudian aku terus jadi bodoh. Dan disini maksud bodoh adalah bukan bodoh dari segi kurang ilmu, cuma bodoh dari segi kelakuan. I will either talk alot or either talk too little, because i am so nervous and happy at the same time that i act stupid.

Arakian(betul ke penggunaa perkataan ni?) aku tak reti nak jadi lebih daripada secret admirer, misalnya jadi seorang rakan kepada orang yang aku admire.

Dan di sini admire maksudnya, suka sahaja. Tak adalah cinta ke sayang sangat-sangat ke. Just a crush. Bodoh kan. Memang macam anak dara aku ni.

It was like i was on top of the world.

But i was not alone.

Memang pengalaman yang baru bagi aku. Tak kisahlah kalau kau bayar RM12 ke, sightseeing round-round satu Kuala Lumpur naik bas dua tingkat, tak ada atap, menghirup udara segar, layan pemandangan yang menakjubkan. Kalau kau buat benda itu seorang diri, memang tidak akan menjadi perkara yang menyeronokkan dan bermakna.

Hatta terima kasih rakan-rakan, salah satu impian aku sudah tercapai.

Aku nak berbangga juga.

Sudah berapa banyak kali dah aku memandu kereta tanpa lesen, secara haram. Cepatlah lesen oh sampailah ke pangkuan dompet ku der. Ketagih do.

Mari berpantun.

Known.

I like to think that i am known for my sarcasm and witty remarks. Just like how Seth Cohen is known for his comic relief. I always have something to say about a particular topic, or perhaps something to joke about. But when i am faced with a person far more extravagant than me, in witticism and sarcasm, i tend to go quiet.

Damn, i am losing my mojo.

Aku tak suka...

Bila aku rasa macam bodoh.
Bila aku rasa malu sangat sampai aku rasa macam aku bogel depan khalayak ramai.
Bila aku nak cakap TAK, tetapi yang keluar dari mulut aku adalah YA.
Bila aku buat benda tak ikhlas tapi terpaksa.
Bila aku rasa jahat.
Bila orang menggedik terhadap aku.
Bila aku mula menjadi seorang pesimis walaupun aku seorang optimis.

Sesi hati ke hati tanpa berhati-hati 01.

Baiklah, aku mulakan dengan kebenaran dahulu lah ye. Sebenarnya, aku tak tahu aku nak buat apa pun. Aku tiada apa-apa perasaan pun terhadap apa yang kau cuba lakukan. Aku tak tahu nak bagi reaksi jenis apa, sebab itu aku senyap sahaja, tidak endah sahaja, tidak layan kau langsung. Buat masa ini, itu sahaja yang aku mampu, dan itu sahaja yang aku rasa sesuai dengan keadaan. Aku tahu apa aku buat itu kejam, baik pedih awal-awal daripada pecah selepas sudah sekian lama membina satu hubungan.

I lack the enthusiasm of entertaining you and being nice to you.

Lagipun, aku hairan juga. Apa yang kau nak daripada aku? Kau kata kau rindu aku, kau rindu dulu-dulu semua, aku cuma tak faham lah. Apa yang kau nak? Kau pun dah tahu yang sekarang ni kita semua dah berubah, ataupun kau je yang tidak berubah. Tak kisahlah. Tetapi kau faham kan yang kita dah tidak seperti dahulukala, dan kita takkan kembali seperti dahulukala. Tidak mungkin sama sekali, sebab nanti memang akan janggal, dan kalau tak janggal sekalipun, aku tetap akan ingat apa yang dah terjadi, kau tetap akan ingat apa yang dah terjadi, dan perasaan dahulukala akan membuak-buak dalam hati.

Aku tengok kau pun sudah gembira dengan hidup kau sekarang ni kan. Tak ada apa-apa masalah sangat kan. Cengkerama senantiasa. Maka kau tak rasa ke kalau kita rapat semula, masalah sahaja yang akan timbul. Kau tak rasa ke aku ni sebenarnya pembawa masalah, pembawa malang. Seorang perosak dan pemusnah. Aku tidak sihat untuk berada dalam hidup kau. Kau pun sekarang dah boleh hidup tanpa aku kan, takkan susah kot kalau aku dah bersikap sunyi sepi terhadap kau.

Aku harap kau faham, aku sebenarnya tidak benci kau, kau tidak ada buat apa-apa salah pun terhadap aku. Cuma aku tidak boleh lah nak berbaik semula dengan kau. Tempat untuk bergembira dengan kau dah tiada lagi ruang dalam tampungan emosi aku lagi. Kau dah tak wujud lagi dalam hati aku. Aku dah lupakan segalanya. Minta maaf kalau aku agak kasar kat sini, tapi itu hakikatnya. Aku dah sampai tahap di mana aku rasa cara terbaik untuk kita hidup sihat adalah dengan menjauhi daripada sesama sendiri.

Aku minta maaf sangat-sangat aku ada banyak buat salah kat kau. Harap-harap kau maafkan salah silap aku dan tindak tanduk aku yang terlanjur. Aku pun sudah lama maafkan kau. Aku sudah tidak kisah dah pun.

At this point i can only forgive, but not forget. It's not that easy.

Tapi kalau difikirkan semula, aku boleh je berbaik semula dengan seorang lagi rakan aku yang pernah buat pedih kat aku. Aku tak ada apa-apa alasan atau sebab untuk itu.

The heart wants what the hearts wants.

Tak boleh lawan kata hati. Kini aku hanya boleh doakan kejayaan kau dan kebaikan untuk kau.

I wish you well, and i expect and hope you wish the same for me.

Tengoklah, kalau kau masih lagi, dan entah tiba-tiba aku pulih, mungkin kita boleh anyam balik ikatan ini. Tapi aku tidak mahu menaruh apa-apa harapan. Kau pun tidak perlu.

Minta maaf.

Is this a typecast?

Why does true love always happen to the good-looking and the beautiful?

Aku tahu aku jahat...

Bila kau mesej aku, aku tak balas.
Bila kau tegur aku, aku tak endah.
Bila kau nak berbaik semula dengan aku, aku tolak.
Bila kau tak buat apa-apa salah pun terhadap aku, tetapi aku layan kau macam sampah, atau lebih teruk lagi, aku tak layan kau serta-merta.

Tapi aku rasa itu tak cukup jahat lagi. Aku rasa aku nak take it to the next level. Tapi tiada buah fikiran lagi. Wait and see.

Feel Good Inc.

Tiba-tiba hari ini ada mood nak dengar lagu-lagu Gorillaz.

Word o'the day.

Learned a new awesome word today, and i am going to casually use it frequently cause it's fun to say.

mangina

-when a guy pulls his dick and balls back between his legs (forming abasket of fruit behind him) and then putting his legs together to simulate the look of a vagina

That's one hairy mangina.

-Derisive term for a man's feminine side - especially when he's picky, touchy or emotional about something seemingly minor. 

Jesus, Steve, all I said was your car needs washed... you didn't have to flash me your mangina! 

Re...

Rebirth, re-imagine, repeat, re-envision, reanimation, resurrection, whatever it is, i have renewed my love for Michael Buble. After so long a time i have not listened to his voice. Now, i will.

I am disappointed.

Entahlah, rasa macam down gila apabila aku jadi Mime orang lain pun jadi Mime.

Tapi aku rasa bodoh lah berperasaan begini. Aku perlu matangkan pemikiran dan kuatkan kesabaran. Hatta aku akan berjaya. InsyaAllah.

Meredith Grey.

Mer: You can't be having feelings for him(Alex Karev). You realize that?

Lexie: Yeah, of course not. No, it's just sex. Okay there's no feelings involved.

Mer: Right. Because you are a no feelings type of girl.Your heart lives in your vagina.

Underneath the skin.

I actually am an obsessive compulsive. Sort of.

I try to make everything perfect, according to my standards. Mostly i am that person when i am alone, when i am with no one but myself., where i am myself.

I get obsessed easily about one thing to the point that i have to do it over and over again until i feel satisfied.

Like how i watch this video that makes me feel frustrated about a particular thing. So i watch it over and over and over again. To the point where i feel like i'm so full i want to throw up. But i repeat it again and again because i am not satisfied.

That's how random i am.

This is what i call winning.

Edited: Why!?

Aku baru sahaja selesai tonton trailer Mortal Kombat Rebirth/Destruction/3. Satu sahaja persoalan yang tersemat di hati dan dalam kepala aku yang membuat aku meronta-ronta dengan perasaan amarah dan tertanya-tanya, iaitu:

KENAPA JOHNNY CAGE KENA MATI SIAL?!

Dalam cerita Mortal Kombat sebelumnya pun Johnny Cage mati. Orang yang terbit cerita ini ada apa-apa perasaan benci ke terhadap Johnny Cage? Kenapa dia kena mati sial?!


On the other hand, the movie looks promising. Scorpion has turned good(or not, whatever) and is the main character. So cool! And scorpion is going to fight against Subzero, and i know that it's going to be EPIC. Can't wait to watch it. It is definitely on my To Watch list.

Oh, tapi aku dapat tahu, dia keluar macam tahun 2013. Lambat sial.

Ralat: Trailer yang aku tonton adalah short film untuk dibuat sebagai cadangan untuk buat movie Mortal Kombat yang baru. Namun apa-apa cerita untuk mulakan projek tersebut belum lagi dikenalpasti.

False pretenses.

Kadang-kadang tu, tujuan kau buat benda itu kat aku sungguh obvious. Terlalu obvious sampaikan aku fikir kau memang nak aku perasan apa yang kau buat dan kau nak dan berharap aku akan bertindak selepas itu.

Maafkanlah aku tetapi aku tiada hati untuk memberi kau harapan palsu. I don't want to lead you on, whatever the phrase is.

Dan jikalau apa aku fikir dan anggap itu salah, maka maafkan aku juga kerana terlalu self-absorbed. Aku pun nak jugak serba sekali flatter diri sendiri.

Dream Journal 02.

This time i was a kid and i was with Luke Skywalker, or perhaps the actor. It was Star Wars Day, i assumed since there was this big toy store that featured only star wars based toys. I was creating mischief and mayhem like other kids wanting this toy and that toy but the best thing was my babysitter was Luke Skywalker, or perhaps the actor.

Then we entered in this contest of racing. It wasn't pod racing but is was a race never before i've seen. It was fun and Luke Skywalker, or perhaps the actor was driving, i rode shotgun. Eventhough the racetrack was sort of creepy and scary filled with creatures and sort of like a haunted house ride, it was still fun. In the end we didn't win.

But in my mind, i can't help but think to ask Luke Skywalker, or perhaps the actor, to take a picture with me and autograph it. But then i woke up.

Good things eh. They got to end some time.

If anyone is wondering.

My favourite romantic whatever goes to:

Olive Snook.

The Sandman- Brief Lives,Chapter 7.

Delirium: Dream? What did he tell you?

Dream: Delirium?

Delirium: It's still me.

Dream: But...?

Delirium: If you're going to fall apart, then one of us has to keep this thing going. Please get up. I don't know how much longer i can be like this. It hurts very muchly.

Dream: Your eyes are the same color.

Delirium: So? I can do that. I can do that if i have to.

Something from a while back.

And whenever i encounter problems, i just have to remind myself that nothing is going to go wrong, even when everything around you is going wrong, and even if it seems that you yourself is going to go wrong, you know you won't.

Sometimes i feel stupid writing like that, other times it is reassuring.

Achilles' Heel.

Setiap kali aku dengar nama itu, ataupun terlihat nama itu, hati aku terhenti seketika.

The face of an artist.

Memakan masa dua hari. Memang penat dan memerlukan teliti yang tajam. Hasilnya memuaskan.

Peralatan: Dedikasi yang berterusan, kesabaran yang tinggi dan semangat yang kental.
Software:Bakat dan minat.
Dan selebihnya itu pandai-pandai lah korang belajar. Aku bukannya master, cuma masterpiece.

Shelldon Cooper PhD.

Shelldon: If you like, after the game, I'll take you outside and teach you how to shoot close enough to a racoon that it craps itself.

I've made up my mind now.

 

Just needs a follow through and loyalty to the bitter end.

Mimpi kosong.

Pagi-pagi dah makan dua pinggan nasi tambah dengan chips. Mimpi aku nak pakai skinny jeans tidak kesampaian lah nampaknya.

Senyum.

Kalau aku gembira, sudah tentulah aku senyum kan. Tapi kalau aku rasa sedih pun aku senyum, rasa marah pun senyum, rasa palat pun senyum.

Terutamanya tadi bila aku baca balik kisah palat yang berlaku beberapa zaman sebelum ini, buat aku rasa palat, tapi aku tersenyum dan tersengih sahaja.

Tapi entahlah, aku rasa nak baca balik banyak kali. Aku tak boleh lawan kehendak bodoh aku ini nak rasa sesuatu perasaan daripada tak rasa apa-apa.

Dan kini, akibatnya, aku rasa palat sangat. Tapi aku tiada apa-apa perasaan dendam kesumat malah benci terhadap mana-mana pihak. Tak sengaja aku buka balik buku dan baca balik cerita dulu.

Copying is the best type of flattery.

Someone once said that if a person is copying you, it is a flattery. It's because that someone wants to be just like you, wants to do the things you do because they think you are awesome.

Well i thank you for that appraisal. I believe that i inspire. Sometimes i overindulge myself thinking that if it wasn't for me, then you wouldn't be the you you are today, right now, whoever you are. But i don't entertain that self-centered thinking so much.

But i am flattered and honoured that someone- well can't exactly say completely copying me, but imitating i might presume- is following my footsteps. But just don't cross the line between imitating and taking over someone's identity.

Imagine you wear people's masks. It's like that. If you take away their masks, then those people have nothing to wear on their face. It's like you strip away who they are, so to speak. But that's not the worse of it. When you realize that you're just wearing someone else's mask, and when you take it off, you don't have a mask yourself, or you can't recognize your own.

In the end, the one i pity the most, the one who don't know one's own mask.

The Sims.

People who have played and is playing The Sims will understand what i have to say.

Sometimes i imagine my life as The Sims. Especially my social life. I imagine that when i talk and spend time with my friends, the relationship bar, in the relationship section, will go green and increase. And if i flirt or hug or do something romantic, than near the bar, a love sign will appear.

I know it's funny and weird but it's a fact.

But it is also wishful thinking. This is because in the game, it is easier to make acquaintances and get a job and go up the career ladder. Like how it's easy just to call a friend and ask them to come over and then just talk and joke and chat and hug and flirt your way to get into bed with them. And then ask them to marry you, after that get a baby.

Sometimes i do wish life was easier like The Sims. If only i can see the relationship bar of my life and if only i know what i want like how in the game they tell you what your character wants.

And currently i am hooked playing The Sims 3. It is much more awesome than the previous versions.

Dear Prudence.

Dear Prudence,
Open up your eyes,

Dear Prudence,
See the sunny skies.

The wind is low,
the birds will sing,
that you are part of everything.

Dear Prudence,
Won't you open up your eyes.

The universe.

In the process of being able to watch three seasons of History Channel's The Universe.


Can't wait to get my nerd on.

Impending doom.

Asal aku rasa takut sangat sekarang?

Aku rasa macam sesuatu buruk akan berlaku, tak pun macam sesuatu tak akan berlaku, dan itu lagi teruk.

Can't help feeling envy.

There was this someone on a reality television programme, she was crying. A grown woman was crying and i can't help but think, don't cry on national television, that's just embarassing.

And then a few moments later, she was asked, can she reveal her secret, and then she just blurted it out. She said she has cancer.

And now i can't help but think how lucky she is.

Something trivial 02.

I am not that much of an obsessive-compulsive person, but i do tend to make things even. I like even numbers. Ever since i was a kid. I like things to be fair and square.

For example, sometimes, when i scratch two times on the left side of my nose, i would like to even it out by scratching twice on the right side as well.

I don't believe i have a OCD(obsessive-compulsive disorder) but i do like everything to be even, balanced. Since i am a Libra, the scales, it is important for me to achieve equilibrium in both inwards and outwards aspects of my life.

Kembalinya seorang antisosial.

Sejak dua menjak ini, dalam tempoh beberapa hari yang lepas, kebelakangan ini, aku sudah mula rasa macam malas nak layan orang buat ketika ini. Aku lebih rela berpegang pada janji-janji sesebuah siri televisyen yang akan memberi aku gelak ketawa daripada mengharap untuk bergembira bersama manusia.

Bukan salah orang di sekeliling aku tetapi salah sekeliling aku yang mendorong aku untuk jatuh ke dalam gaung kemurungan ini.

I feel so depressed right now.

Objective.

The whole point of making that formspring thingy is to let people ask me questions and i will answer whole-heartedly, even if sometimes my answer would make me look like an asshole or/and jerk or/and stupid or/and negative aspects.

But there is one upside i like about this ask a question website, is that i get the opportunity to ask questions like:


"Would you prefer a blowjob or just the usual intercourse?"

Isn't this fun.

But sometimes i do get annoyed that sometimes some people ask me somewhat rhetorical questions. How the hell am i supposed to answer that.

Something trivial.

I am an alphabetical person. Like how i don't like my bloglist be sorted according to recent posts but according to alphabetical order of the blogs names.

Reaching it's end.

i was watching the nearly final episode of the Stargate Universe Series and nearing the end of the episode, i was reluctant and hoping that it didn't have to end that quick. I admit that i am liking this Stargate series more than it's counterpart Stargate Atlantis. It has very serious matters instilled into storyline, and the background music makes me warming up to the idea of liking emo/goth/whatever music.

Dream Jounal 01

The first thing i remember was there was this one teacher, she had a harley davidson that was entirely draped with cloth(kain), peach/brown-ish coloured, from top to bottom, giving an elegent presence. Although i do wonder how someone rides a big motorcycle that's covered with cloth.

The next thing i remember is that i was fighting monsters and demons like i was playing a game, except that i was the character in the game and i could do magic. Well one type/sort of magic which was just point my finger at those menacing creatures and they get hit and numbers would pop on screen showing how much i hit them. But in the end they were too much to handle and i tried to run away, which proved to be useless since i was in some sort of old haunted mansion where they were everywhere.

And then i woke up and straight away had a shower.

Masih baru.

Saja cuba buat benda baru untuk memuaskan kehendak dan keperluan dan perasaan yang membara ini yang ingin sangat satu adventur dan pelepasan adrenalin di dalam saluran darah badan.

It's not symmetrical, It's cute.

Ned: I used to… When I lived next door to you, I had a cru— I was in— You… were my first kiss.

Chuck: Yeah? You were my first kiss too. Do you want to be my last kiss? First and last? Or is that weird?

Ned: That’s not weird. It’s… symmetrical.

Next goal.

I think it's high time i try and satisfy this craving of mine.

The grand plan.

So i didn't manage to get into the programme. I'd like to say it's okay, all is well, but the reality is, i feel crushed, i feel devastated, i feel overwhelmed.

In the end i did get my hopes up. But i have to believe that there are other opportunities for me in some other places. There are other grand plans, not just this one, and i am the one who has to plan it.

Prolonging the inevitable.

Sepatutnya hari ini boleh semak status permohonan. Aku buka website dia untuk semak, cari punya cari, langsung tak jumpa pautannya.

Lalu dengan kata sepakat satu keluarga, aku telefon pihak yang bertanggungjawab.

Katanya esok telefon dia sekai lagi pada pukul 2.

Lagi bertambah gementar aku. Bismillahhiraahmanirrahim. InsyaAllah, moga-moga dapat lah.

Seperti tiada guna.

Sedih aku rasa, dan kecewa apabila rakan meminta bantuan daripada aku, aku tidak dapat untuk membantu beliau.

Menjadi drebar.

Tidak sabar aku untuk mendapat kelulusan untuk memandu dan tidak sabar lagi aku untuk mendapat peluang memandu kereta, pergi ke rumah kawan-kawan, pick them up, and go off on an adventure, berjalan-jalan dan bersiar-siar mencari pengalaman dan kenangan.

It's pathetic.

Agak pathetic apabila aku tak nak hilang perasaan sedih yang aku rasa terhadap fakta bahawa sesiapa yang sudah tiada, tidak akan kembali. Aku suka perasaan sedih ini. Ia memberi aku rasa content. Mild happiness.

Buat masa ini, itu sudah cukup bagi aku.

Let's lay all the cards on the table.

Changing aspects of my life little by little. Growing, changing, evolving. As a start, I'll put out all the feelings i kept on the inside, out on the open.

I am scared. I am really afraid that i'll leave and won't be able to go at it on my own. It is very difficult to love a whole new person, to get to know new people, live with them. But most of all, i am terrified that i will not get this opportunity.

Disappointing people who have high hopes for me is a lot more horrible than getting disappointed, and that is what i am afraid of. My parents and family are all enthusiastic about my future, while me, i am too afraid too get all my hopes up, too afraid to get crushed, to fall from a very high place. But i am still hoping.

Now that the cards are on the table, let's shuffle and play some poker.

One wake up call.

i was at a relatives house celebrating a baby girl. Everybody was happy and were talking of the present and future.

my phone suddenly vibrated because i put it on silent mode so that it wouldn't disturb the older people. i took it out of my front pocket since i was wearing baju melayu and flipped my phone open and saw the reminder.

2nd june, birthday.

Happy Birthday. Wish you were here.

You made my day too.

It was a relief and a joy to see a friend whom you've not seen in a very long time. I really had fun. Thank you.

Overflow.

After numerous enquiries of whether i have an account or not from various people and after seeing that most of my friends have them as well, sometimes i'd like to go with the flow. No harm in that right.

http://www.formspring.me/azuanayob


ask away. if there are those out there in the question mark land.